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Fake News

The New Adopt A Writer Program


Your local animal shelter has a new program. In addition to cats, dogs, and feral raccoons, you can also now adopt local writers.

Granted, most of these writers have living parents, but they still have no goddamn idea how to look after themselves. Thus, you can now adopt and care for a writer and have them live in your basement until the day you die. For any of these writers, potential owners should know that required supplies include high amounts of caffeine, sugar, and some will also need drugs.

Writers Up For Adoption:

Davey (38, Breed: Political Satirist)

Davey is a well-behaved writer who can hold a conversation, as long as that conversation can be related back to politics. If you possess even a slightly greater than average understanding of politics, he will quickly realize he is out of his depths and resort to Trump impressions. We are hoping to send Davey to a safe home that can protect him when Twitter trolls send him death threats in response to his anti-Republican work.

Jana (26, Breed: Short Story Writer)

Jana is a well-rounded writer who writes beautiful stories that have been published everywhere. Of course, upon any inspection, it’s obvious that all her work are thinly veiled allegories for depression. She got an A+ from her Creative Writing teacher on a short story she did in high school. This teacher was Jana’s last adopter, but unfortunately could not keep up with her therapy bills. We hope that Jana’s next adopter can support her habits and that they can cope with her schedule of writing only between the hours of midnight and three in the morning whilst blaring somber classical music.

Frederik (42, Breed: Poet (Non-Rhyming) )

Frederik thinks he’s better than all the other writers at the shelter. His poems are essentially very short flash fiction with no actual meaning and weird line structure. Pointing this out to Frederik confuses and enrages him, and he is liable to bite. Potential adopters will benefit from having ink wells and quills or old-timey typewriters in the home for Frederik to use for his Instagram poetry account.

Elle (23, Breed: Fiction Writer)

Elle is a very talented writer whose complex narratives and imaginative story-telling is clearly the product of illicit drugs. While some believe that a writer on a multitude of hallucinogenic substances can be dangerous, this is just a myth. However, those who adopt Elle should be warned not to put their hands or faces near her mouth while she is on a mushroom-eating, Quaalude-popping, writing binge.

Eddie (29, Breed: Comedy Writer)

Eddie is a somewhat-able comedy writer. Like, he can kind of write comedy. He’s not great at it. Unfortunately, Eddie also has a bit of a temper. When he gets a rejection, he will reply to the editor with a swear-word laden tirade that will ensure he never gets a comedy article published at that publication in the future. He may then be a bit snippy for the rest of the day. Despite attitude issues, Eddie would be a good fit for homes, but is not suggested for homes with small children.

Declan (20, Breed: Comedy Writer/Student)

Between spending late nights writing and days in classes and studying, Declan is a very busy writer. Along with this, he is also colossally bad at life. He will need adopters who can keep an eye on eating and sleeping habits, as well as potentially training him to properly interact with other humans, so he may one day mate and produce a litter. Potential adopters will require plenty of snacks and food that include faux-cheese flavouring. It is easiest to get him to eat fruit by covering it in Zesty Cheese Doritos dust.

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