Homepage / Fake News / The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft

Fake News

The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone


Kids! Kitchen! Now!”

“Oh, crap…” Natalie said, emerging from her room.

“Stay cool,” Kate said, hopping up from her bed in the next room. “Remember, we’re a team.”

“Petey!” Natalie banged on their little brother’s door. “Downstairs!”

Petey poked his head out. “I heard him.”

“Well, well, well.” Mr. Thompson was waiting for his kids in the kitchen, pacing back and forth and holding a couple sheets of white paper in his hands. Mrs. Thompson stood at the counter, mixing milk into her tea.

“What’s up, Dad?” Natalie grabbed a seat at the island.

“I’ll give you all three tries,” Mr. Thompson said, putting on his reading glasses, “to guess what I’m holding here in my hands. Here’s a hin—”

“It’s the phone bill,” Kate said. “We can see the AT&T logo.”

Mrs. Thompson snorted.

“Very perceptive, Kaitlin,” Mr. Thompson said, gathering himself. “Yes, it’s the phone bill. This morning your mother and I looked at the total cost for last month, and it’s a preposterous number. Over a thousand dollars.”

Petey gasped.

“Yes, Petey. You should be shocked. We should all be shocked. Thompsons are more than Apple products. And punishments will be doled out accordingly.”

Natalie opened her mouth to speak.

“Before you claim your innocence, Natalie,” Mr. Thompson said, “know that thanks to my AT&T app, I can isolate the charges on each phone. I plan on looking at each phone number’s data usage later today. Unless… unless one of you has the courage to own up right now.”

The kids sat stunned, and proud of himself, Mr. Thompson started making himself a cup of coffee.

“He really does have the app,” Mrs. Thompson said lowly. “I watched him download it this morning.”

“Mom, this is insane,” Kate whispered.

“No, Kaitlin,” Mr. Thompson said, “this is justice. So. Who’s had a case of the texties this month? Go on, don’t be shy! Natalie?”

“My phone screen cracked three weeks ago, Dad. You know that. If I scroll too much my fingers start bleeding. Seriously. I’ve barely looked at my phone.”

Mr. Thompson nodded. “I do remember that. Hmm. Kate? Got anything to say for yourself?”

“Me and Cliff broke up, remember? We stopped texting last month and I’ve barely been on social media. The pictures just depress me.”

“Ugh. Cliff. So that’s officially done, right? He won’t be coming here again?”

“Walter!” Mr. Thompson dodged a swipe from Mrs. Thompson.

“What? The boy had a C- handshake.”

Kate put her head in her hands and massaged her temples.

“Ok, Petey,” Mr. Thompson said, taking a long sip of coffee. “I knew we’d regret getting you that iPad for your birthday. What have you been playing up there? Clash of the Bandicoot? Fortrim? Out with it, sport!”

Petey looked from his sisters to his mom to his dad, his eyes wide like Bambi caught in a hurricane.

“It’s c-coming from my room,” he stammered, “but it isn’t me.”

“Heh? What do you mean?”

“It’s the monster under my bed. He got an iPhone.”

Natalie and Kate stifled giggles.

“Again, Petey?” Mrs. Thompson said, putting her hand on Petey’s shoulder. “We’ve been over this.”

“He’s there, he got a phone, I swear, you have to believe me—”

Enough,” Mr. Thompson boomed. “You’re grounded Petey. And no iPad for two months. I expected better from you, son. Coming in here with crazy tales about monsters operating iPhones. You should be ashamed of yoursel—“

“It’s actually I who should be ashamed, Mr. Thompson.”

The family whipped around. Leaning against the entryway to the kitchen was a 7-foot tall beast with blue fur and the fangs of a saber-tooth tiger. He held a single iPhone in his massive right paw.

“I’ve been under Petey’s bed for a while now,” the monster explained, setting the phone down on the kitchen counter. “My heart hasn’t really been into scaring him lately, he’s such a good kid, and I was getting pretty bored down there. So I bought the phone. I’ve been scrolling the days away until he turns 10 and I get reassigned.”

“You didn’t think to ask for the WiFi password?” Mr. Thompson asked.

“Oh, I didn’t want to impose,” the monster said bashfully, kicking his feet together. “I’m really sorry about all this, mainly I’m up there on the Times crossword app or bingeing a podcast called Crimetown.”

“Oh, no,” Mrs. Thompson muttered.

“Crimetown?! I love Crimetown,” Mr. Thompson exclaimed. “I listen to it on my commute every morning. What season are you on? What did you say your name was again, Mr. …”

“Monster,” the monster said, stretching his hand out to shake.

“That’s a hell of a grip you got there,” Mr. Thompson said, raising his eyebrows. “That’s an A+ handshake. Why don’t you show me your space up there? You’ve gotta be squished under Petey’s trundle.”

“Absolutely!”

The monster and Mr. Thompson headed for the stairs.

“You ever been fly fishing?”

“Not for years! Love it.”

“Wanna get out next weekend?”

Mrs. Thompson finished her tea and looked at the kids in the kitchen.

“Thank god,” she said, shaking her head with a smile. “We’re in the clear. I was convinced it was me this month.” She took an iPhone X out of her pocket.

“Me too,” the girls said in unison, and they pulled out their phones.

“I haven’t slept in months,” Petey said.

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish