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Fake News

The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up

Lemon Water (8:00 AM): Hello? Do you copy? This is the lemon water you drank this morning. Our squadron is overwhelmed. It’s chaos in here. We simply do not have the artillery needed to deplete this level of gluttony. We are requesting backup immediately. Over.

Lemon Water (8:10 AM): I repeat, do you copy? Please advise. The toxicity was evident directly upon entry. Your breath—stale, noxious, and telling of the horrors we would soon face, nearly paralyzed us. Shaken but determined we continued down your esophagus, fighting off a barrage of acid reflux. We are in over our heads. Send back up. Over.

Lemon Water (8:15 AM): Again, do you copy? We just entered your digestive tract, it’s acrid and inflamed. We’ve confronted a toxic inferno of instant noodles, pizza pops, and possibly 4 separate McDonald’s orders. This is a martyr’s mission. We implore you to ingest a stronger remedy—Pepto, Tums, anything medical. The situation may even warrant an enema. Over.

Lemon Water (8:20 AM): I REPEAT this is lemon water! Do you copy?! We’re entering your stomach. The alcohol content you ingested is chilling. We’ve encountered 7 beers, varying in brand but mostly Pabst, 6-8 shots of Malibu coconut rum, and almost an entire bottle of grenadine. The grenadine alone is crippling. Over.

Lemon Water (8:25 AM): This is lemon water do you copy?! We have reached the epicenter of your gut. Your stomach contents have revealed a level of debauchery far exceeding our capacity to assist. Our citrus composition can handle at most, some light bloating after a big meal, or perhaps a gentle red wine hangover. We are not equipped to handle a colossal menagerie of chicken nuggets, quarter pounders, and a sampling of your entire liquor cabinet. This is beyond our jurisdiction. We are in desperate need of an industrial cleanse kit or an Imodium—we can’t do this alone. SEND HELP. Over.

Lemon Water (8:30 AM): Do you copy?! Dear god. We’ve passed into your small intestine. The scene is horrific. We can barely move let alone assist in digestion. There’s evidence of years of toxic residue build-up. Bread – so much bread, butter by the pound, Ben and Jerry’s—every flavor—all of them, spaghetti, pizza rolls, Cool Ranch Doritos, Ritz Crackers, just bare Ritz Crackers, shwarma, dumplings, frozen lasagne—still frozen. We did see one vegetable, a piece of broccoli, doused in cheese, cowering in the top corner. There was nothing we could for it. Send help—God please send help.

Lemon Water (8:35 AM): *radio static* The blend of alcohol and junk food has created an impenetrable, gaseous blob of MSG, sodium, trans fats, and glucose—it’s churning angrily. The situation is dire. Over-the-counter medicine will not suffice, we need a power washer, or a steam cleaner, or demolition hammer, or all three! Now!

Lemon Water (8:40 AM): DO YOU COPY?!? PLEA—*radio static *

Lemon Water (8:41 AM): WE’RE EXITING *radio static* BY FORCE *radio static* Pray for u-*radio static*

Lemon Water (8:42 AM): *radio static*

Melissa (8:42 AM): *stomach gurgles* Sorry everyone, I’m going to have to cut this presentation a little short. Oh God. Excuse me.

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