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Fake News

The Key to Success Here is Talking for Talking’s Sake


So the thing is, the key to success here is talking for talking’s sake. It’s all about getting attention and being verbally dominant. The more you interrupt the better. It’s a free-for-all out there so don’t hold back. Speaking without thinking is a virtue and irrational outbursts can’t be beat.

I mean, just look at that pro in the cubicle over there who’s got his headphones on and is watching Budweiser commercials on youtube. That’s Oscar. He hasn’t filed a single report in over 4 months, but he’s very opinionated and speaks up all the time at our weekly meetings with all sorts of highly animated, random nonsense. No one really knows what the point of any of his points actually is, but that’s besides the point because he just got promoted.

Now, this next part is extremely important, so let me make this clear: the work doesn’t matter. The work is just one thing to draw upon to help fuel your emotional diatribes. And by that, I mean you’ll want to lash out at your supervisors as often as possible. That’s the only useful purpose your work assignments actually have. If you can master the skill of composing a hostile, defensive/offensive verbal assault off the cuff about not receiving enough managerial support, you’ll shoot up the ladder in—

No, no, no—that’s where you’re wrong! But good interruption. You’re learning quickly.

So you see Frank over there? That guy busy doing something in Excel that no one cares about? He’s a non-learner. He never cuts other people off mid-sentence or leaves his cubicle to distract the rest of us with off-topic topics. He started around the same time as Oscar, but he’s only ever received one raise in the last ten years and has been publicly heckled in group meetings more times than I care to remember for his pervasive lack of enthusiasm. Frank’s not phony, but he is Frank is a professional failure. Don’t be like Frank.

Tracy is the one you want to be like. She’s even better than Oscar. Yeah, that’s her over there—the woman who’s been circulating around the floor for the past two hours with no apparent sense of where she’s going or why. I’ve known her for about 8 years now and I still couldn’t tell you what her job function is supposed to be if my life depended on it but, boy, can she can talk up a storm when she stops doing her laps for long enough. If you’ve ever wondered how a conversation ostensibly about cutting costs might get effectively derailed and concluded with a ten-minute digression about the time the dog ate the neighbor’s rosebush, then you need to watch Tracy in action. She’s been promoted faster than anyone else who’s ever worked here. She has a lot of clout, too, so you’ll definitely want to get on her good side the first chance you get. My advice is to ask her about her Fitbit as soon as possible, and then to make it a daily routine to inquire about her step count from there on afterwards.

But now I need to get back to my desk so I can space out and clear my mind for a conference call later. Kevin and Nancy from the main office are both going to be on that one and they’re two of our most talented speakers without thinkers. They can pounce on any topic faster than a pair of wild jungle cats hyped up on speed, twist the words around, and regurgitate them as though they’re original ideas like no one’s business. But that’s the irony, right? Because it’s all business.

And good luck with the rest of your first day here. You should join us around the water cooler later when we all gather to talk about last night’s episode of Westworld. You won’t want to miss that; missing that would totally sabotage your career potential.

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