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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller


Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews White House advisor Stephen Miller

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Stephen Miller, White House senior advisor to the president.

Stephen Miller by DonkeyHotey
Stephen Miller. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

STEPHEN MILLER

Hello.

JERRY

Wow, in person the most hated man in America. Are you a distant cousin of Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels?

MILLER

Is this some kind of joke?

JERRY

No. Even Harvey Weinstein thinks you’re creepy. My question is who is running the Bates Motel if you are here talking to me?

MILLER

In response to those tasteless remarks, I quote the great Vice President Dan Quayle “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind.”

JERRY

You grew up in a liberal Democratic household. When did you change sides?

MILLER

In high school. I started riling up my classmates by telling them all the Hispanic students should be deported if they didn’t start speaking English. Then I started getting offers to go on conservative talk radio shows. I told listeners that Osama bin Laden would feel welcome at Santa Monica High School.

JERRY

How did your classmates react?

MILLER

Well, there were flyers posted on all the lockers with the words “this should scare you from getting pregnant.”

JERRY

When did you realize that you were never going to have friends?

MILLER

It was in preschool when no one would let me play with their toys in the sandbox. But I got even. There were clumps of cat turds underneath the sand, so I scooped them up with my hands and passed them out to every kid. The little monsters thought it was candy and ate it. I laughed my ass off as they gagged and cried.

JERRY

What happened as you got older?

MILLER

I was meaner. In high school, I dropped a childhood friend because he was Mexican American. I was against a student LGBT group and started a campaign to get rid of condoms.

JERRY

What the hell were you thinking?

MILLER

That I could be the next Archie Bunker. I have a spiritual connection to the man.

JERRY

You realize that he’s a fictitious character.

MILLER

No he’s not. Fake news.

JERRY

Okay Meathead. Let’s talk about your college days.

MILLER

I went to Duke University. I wanted to get away from California. One of the first things I did was write in the school newspaper that poet Maya Angelou had racial paranoia. Listen Duncan, I’ve read more enlightening things about African Americans on a men’s room stall than her gibberish.

JERRY

You have Trump’s ear. You were the reason the Trumpster changed his mind about DACA before the government shutdown.

MILLER

We think alike. That should be comforting to all Americans.

An intern interrupts the interview.

INTERN

Sorry to bother you Mr. Duncan, but Bernie Sanders is in the hallway. He’s very agitated. Apparently Mr. Miller is getting on his nerves.

JERRY

Send him in, scrambled brains. I like a good fight.

The sound of a door is heard opening and closing.

BERNIE

Thank you for allowing me to be on your show.

JERRY

Why are you here absent minded professor?

BERNIE

I was listening to your show and disgusted by the hate coming out of the mouth of this putz Stephen Miller. The way he treats immigrants, especially Hispanics is inhumane.

MILLER

Can’t take the heat old man then get out of politics.

BERNIE

Look, my father was an immigrant from Poland. He didn’t have a nickel when he arrived on Ellis Island in 1921.

MILLER

Then you can appreciate this joke. How do you sink a Polish battleship?

BERNIE

With a torpedo?

MILLER

Wrong. Put it is water.

BERNIE

Who wrote that crazy Sean Hannity?

MILLER

Here’s another one. How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

BERNIE

Saw the branch?

MILLER

Wave to him.

BERNIE

Where do you hear this crap?

MILLER

I make it up. I have jokes for every ethnicity. I’m an equal opportunity offender.

BERNIE

You’re a spoiled brat who has a rich daddy. That’s what you are. My old man sold paint for a living. Can you imagine? When he shook paint cans, his head looked like it had Parkinson’s disease.

MILLER

Are  you punishing me because I’m spoiled rotten?

BERNIE

No. I’m punishing you because you are rotten.

MILLER

Poor, poor Bernie.

BERNIE

Yes we were poor. So poor that if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

Immigrants should have a path to citizenship. And no discrimination as to who gets citizenship.

JERRY

I’ve been listening to you two Nobel Prize winners and have a solution. Get off my show.

MILLER

But I want to talk about my new slogan Make America Meaner for the 2020 Trump campaign.

BERNIE

Then I get to talk about my 2020 campaign slogan. BS you can trust.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.

Dean Kaner



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