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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Trump and Manafort from Sing Sing Prison

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former President Donald Trump and his former campaign manager Paul Manafort from Sing Sing prison in New York.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today our show is coming from Sing Sing prison in New York. My guests are former President Donald Trump and former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort.

Manafort, Trump, DonkeyHotey, Sing Sing Prison
Manafort and Trump. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

DONALD TRUMP

Prison is a beautiful thing. It’s HUGE. I finally got to see my wall.

JERRY

And all your friends and enemies are here.

TRUMP

Look, you can see them. They’re the guys in orange jumpsuits carrying shovels.

JERRY

So many. Ryan Zinke, Jeff Sessions, Scott Pruitt, Michael Flynn, Michael Cohen, David Pecker, Roger Stone. It’s chain migration.

TRUMP

And more. There’s Sloppy Steve Bannon walking with a ball and chain. He’s in solitary for popping a zit in the guard’s face. Steve climbed the ugly ladder and didn’t miss a step.

JERRY

Where’s your son-in-law Jared and daughter Ivanka?

TRUMP

Rats, scumbags! Those creeps stole my money and fled to Moscow. They’re living in the Kushner Tower penthouse next to Vladimir Putin.

JERRY

Jared hacked your computer. Right?

TRUMP

Maybe. But it could have been Russia, China, North Korea or ex-Governor Chris Christie, the 400 pounder living in New Jersey.

PAUL MANAFORT

It probably was him. According to a poll, only 19% of New Jersey residents liked Christie when he left office. And they were restaurant owners.

TRUMP

Great analysis. Where were you when I needed your help from Russia?

MANAFORT

I was in the Philippines taking inventory for 20,000 pairs of shoes in Imelda Marcos‘s closet. I’ll do anything for my clients.

JERRY

Trumpster. Where is Melania?

TRUMP

No clue.

JERRY

In Brad Pitt’s mansion. She’s his personal masseuse.

TRUMP

It’s okay. I’m not jealous. Melania learned to work hard growing up poor on the south side of Chicago.

JERRY

That’s Michelle Obama, you idiot.

TRUMP

Fake news.

MANAFORT

Brad Pitt is diagnosed with a rare cancer that necessitates the removal of his entire ass. He is now a bottomless Pitt.

JERRY

Hey, Paul Manafort. You were just found guilty of 8 counts of fraud by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. What are you going to do next?

MANAFORT

I’m going to Disneyland!

TRUMP

He’s so stupid, Duncan. Manafort’s password at the Trump Tower needed 8 characters, so he typed Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.

MANAFORT

I’m only stupid because I worked on your presidential campaign.

TRUMP

Nice wig, Paul. What’s it made of?

MANAFORT

Your mother’s chest hair.

JERRY

Okay, Paulster. Speaking of wigs. What do you call a carrot and a potato who both wear wigs?

MANAFORT

Clueless.

JERRY

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.

TRUMP

You’re lucky I’m in cuffs, Duncan.

JERRY

Trumpster. You have a visitor.

TRUMP

Al Sharpton, my African American.

SHARPTON

Don’t get giddy. I’m here to give you the last rites.

TRUMP

Last rites? Am I going to die?

SHARPTON

Well. The warden isn’t too sure, because you are being transferred to a cell with some Black brothers you and your father discriminated against when they were trying to rent apartments in Queens.

TRUMP

Bad. Very bad. Save me, Rev. Is there an alternative?

SHARPTON

Yeah. You could get a cell with the notorious MS-13 gang members. That’s always fun. Too bad you messed with minorities your whole life, Trumpster. Now there will be hell toupee.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.

Dean Kaner

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