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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Road Scholars

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Sarah Palin and Roseanne Barr, our ‘Road Scholars.’

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin and comedian Roseanne Barr.

Sarah Palin - Roseanne BarrSARAH

Good to be here again. You betcha.

ROSEANNE BARR

I don’t know how I found the time. I’m so busy yellin’ at everyone, I can’t think straight. Acid ain’t even workin’ to keep me calm.

JERRY

Well. Don’t worry, because you won’t have to think much. I call this segment “Stupid Talk.” During the past month, we had the Kavanaugh hearings for Supreme Court Justice and bomb threats to Democratic officials.

SARAH

Golly, geez. I remember when my whole family got bombed on Christmas eve. I couldn’t even find the toilet to barf.

ROSEANNE

I tried sniffin’ Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

ROSEANNE

Hey Palin, ain’t your son Track the one that beats up people?

SARAH

Yeah. He’s got PTA from being in combat.

JERRY

(mumbles to himself) It’s PTSD, you idiot.

ROSEANNE

That’s what I thought. I once had a fundraisin’ idea at a PTA meeting. I suggested a cash bar at Parent-Teacher

Conference night.

JERRY

I’m sure that went over big.

ROSEANNE

Nah. The principal called child protection services and my kids were removed from the house.

JERRY

The midterm elections are around the corner. Are you two women following the candidates?

ROSEANNE

I’m votin’ for Trump.

SARAH

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out. I’m votin’ for Trump.

ROSEANNE

You can’t vote for him. You’ll cancel out my vote.

JERRY

Trump isn’t even running.

SARAH

Okay. I’m votin’ for Reagan.

JERRY

He’s dead.

SARAH

Then Lincoln. As long as he’s a Republican. I’ll confess, I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

JERRY

Looks like the Democrats are poised to take the House. There are 435 seats up for grabs.

ROSEANNE

Grabbin’ that many seats is Harvey Weinstein’s fantasy.

SARAH

Who’s Harvey Weinstein?

JERRY

He’s an alleged sex criminal.

ROSEANNE

Yeah. Harvey once said to me at a party. “Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?”

JERRY

You’re both out of work. Do you have any future plans?

SARAH

I’m takin’ a cruise in a caravan from Honduras. People who can’t speak English love me.

ROSEANNE

Stupid. Cruises are on water.

SARAH

Are the toilets salt water or fresh water? I need to know which fishin’ pole to bring.

JERRY

Sorry. Must interrupt the show for this important bulletin. Notorious mobster Whitey Bulger was killed in prison today.

ROSEANNE

You’re kiddin’? I remember when Whitey pitched for the Yankees.

SARAH

No. He was Beaver’s friend in Leave It To Beaver.

JERRY

Are you always stupid or is today a special occasion?

SARAH

Are you talkin’ to me?

JERRY

(sarcastic) No. I’m talking to myself.

ROSEANNE

That’s what I thought.

JERRY

I’m talking to both of you!

JERRY

Roseanne. What are your plans?

ROSEANNE

I’ll be headlinin’ the rubber room for the next year at Bellevue Mental Hospital in New York City.

SARAH

Sounds cool. Maybe I’ll join you.

JERRY

Trust me. I know you will. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.

Dean Kaner

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