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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews ‘The Famous 3’


To help celebrate the 50th episode of The Jerry Duncan Show, we interview “The Famous 3,” New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin and New York Senator Chuck Schumer.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is is a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, New York Senator Chuck Schumer and former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. They are helping me celebrate the 50th episode of The Jerry Duncan Show.

 The Famous 3, Rudy Giuliani, Sarah Palin, Chuck Schumer
Images by Donkeyhotey, flickr.com.

PALIN

Congrats. A fellow Alaskan makes good.

JERRY

Hey, Sarah. How did the Alaskan die from drinking milk?

PALIN

It was sour? No. That can’t be right.

JERRY

The cow fell on him.

PALIN

Oh. The poor cow.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

PALIN

Who’s there?

JERRY

Cow says who?

PALIN

No. A cow say mooooo!

JERRY

You’re brilliant! Congratulations.

PALIN

(excited) Golly. Who’d ever thunk? I’m gonna call my hubby Todd and tell him the good news.

JERRY

How about some psycho babble from you, Rudy?

GIULIANI

Trump did not collude with the Russians. But if there was collusion, it’s not illegal. The president is a fibber, not a liar. But if he lied, he’s not a fibber.

SCHUMER

Look what we just heard. Crimes were committed at the highest level by the president. Rudy just called bullshit—fertilizer.

GIULIANI

You don’t know what you’re saying, Chuckles. I was a U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York. I interrogated Martians when their space ship landed in Roswell. I’m the guy who gave Daffy Duck a purpose in life. You’re death-picable.

JERRY

Are the Democrats going to impeach Trump if they take the House in November?

SCHUMER

Democrats aren’t talking impeachment. Our focus is on the economy. People are struggling from paycheck to paycheck. Health insurance is unaffordable.

PALIN

That’s a whopper. Unemployment is at the lowest number ever.

JERRY

Not lower than your IQ.

SCHUMER

You took the words right out of my mouth. Look, trickle down economics only help people at the top. 1% of American households own 40% of the wealth. And Trump just gave them a raise with his tax cuts.

GIULIANI

Fake news. They earned it. Why shouldn’t the 1% be entitled to 4 homes and 8 vacations a year? It’s the American way. He who has the most toys wins.

JERRY

Rudster. When are we going to see Trump’s tax returns? Every president since Nixon has revealed theirs.

GIULIANI

Trump isn’t like any of the other presidents. He can do what he wants.

SCHUMER

Oh really? Did you hear about Trump’s cannibal accountant?

PALIN

You’re trickin us I hope.

SCHUMER

No, Sarah. She charges an arm and a leg.

PALIN

Was that on National Geographic Channel?

JERRY

No. It was in your favorite publication Highlights For Children.

JERRY

Please recite that famous poem you wrote while on the campaign trail. I want to be inspired.

PALIN

You betcha.

PALIN

I am smart, you are dumb. Oh, wait did I say that wrong? You are smart, I am pretty dumb! Did I say that right or am I too dumb?

JERRY

Thank you for those words of wisdom.

GIULIANI

Why am I here? Why are you there? Or am I there? And you are here. Confusing? Confusing. Who am I? Who? Me? Yes! I’m nuts. I’m the White House putz.

JERRY

Proof that insanity rules in the West Wing.

JERRY

The sky is grey, I like to have my own way, Horses go nay, That’s all I have to say.

SCHUMER

Wonderful, Duncan. Must have taken all of 30 seconds to write. Being the grown up in the room, let me end with my poem.

JERRY

Go ahead, wise guy.

SCHUMER

Roses are red, Violets are grey, Yo mama’s so ugly, I don’t know what to say.

JERRY

A reminder everyone the Senator Chuck Schumer is available for Bible reading. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.

Dean Kaner



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