Homepage / Fake News / The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Debaters
Clarence Thomas Returns To Senate As White Man Named Brett My Husband Les Moonvez Gave Us Young Sheldon, And That's Good Enough for Me! By: Julie Chen London Mayor Calls For Second Brexit Referendum Fraternity Brothers Make Note Not To Kill Pledge Whose Family Has Lake House Marc Benioff Buys ‘Time’ Magazine For $190 Million White House Increases Number Of Asylum Seekers Allowed To Enter Spike-Filled Refugee Compactor Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask Blood-Spattered Sarah Huckabee Sanders Holds Up Huge Dismembered Penis To Prove Presidential Member Completely Normal Woman Longs For Day When First Female President Can Have Tell-All Book Written About Disgusting Vagina Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 18, 2018 Video Game Character Stares Impotently At Forbidden Realm Beyond Impassable Waist-High Bush Emotional Le’Veon Bell Reveals Holdout A Result Of Forgetting How To Run Is This The Worst Life Hack Ever Made? How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town Tips For Long Bike Rides Scientist Close To Developing Life-Saving Vaccine That They Can Rub In Faces Of Their Doubters RuPaul Makes History as Viacom Earns 8 Awards – Viacom Corporate A Massive Storm is Barreling Down on my Family and Conversation with Them Has Never Been Easier Semi-Humorous Meetings with Strange Creatures in the Night The Failing Donald Trump Hires a Posse White Castle Now Selling Veggie Burger Sliders Nationwide The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Buckwheat Luke, Owen Wilson Recall Meeting On Set Of ‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ Kavanaugh Defends His Originalist Position Fingernail Got Fucking Huge Out Of Nowhere We Want Your House – Howard Zaharoff, Humor Times Cash-Strapped Zuckerberg Forced To Sell 11 Million Facebook Users Senate Republicans Seek To Delay Kavanaugh Vote Until Accuser Properly Smeared Emergency Room Admissions To Soar On Trump’s FEMA Text Alert Trial Kavanaugh Sweating Bullets After Betting Life Savings On Being Confirmed To Supreme Court FEMA Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence Don’t Blame Me, Blame The Stars! GOP Releases New Letter Supporting Kavanaugh Signed By Orrin Hatch 500 Times Steve Bannon Calls #MeToo Most Powerful Political Movement In World Marine Biologists Reveal That Majority Of World’s Oceans Remain Boring As Shit White House Raises Official Hurricane Florence Death Toll To -17 Our Weirdest Sex Misconceptions Koch Brothers Furious Kavanaugh Never Disclosed That Nation Might Care About Sexual Abuse I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why Kavanaugh On Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘I Miss High School’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 17, 2018 Maxine Waters Fails Hearing Test | You make the news…We report it! Oh no! Elon Musk went on a heroin user's podcast and shot himself full of junk Um, Actually: Star Trek, Schwarzenegger, and Stoker The Pillow Personality Test | Points in Case Donald Trump Claims He’s Found Obama’s ‘Lost Birth Certificate’ There’s Nothing Quite Like Traveling Abroad and Soaking In All the Rich, Authentic Poverty Pope Summons World’s Bishops For Meeting On Sexual Abuse Frat Brothers Draw All Over Pledge Who Passed Away At Party Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel High School Drama Teacher Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who He’ll Pick For Fall Girlfriend The Onion’s 2018 Emmy Predictions Manafort Reaches Plea Deal With Special Counsel Top 5 Most Potent Celery Strains You’re Upset I Broke Into Your House And Stole A Bunch Of Your Shit. Don’t Worry, I’m Donating Everything To Goodwill Scientists Announce They’ve Completed Mapping The Human G-Spot Woman’s Children Officially Old Enough To Pony Up For Good Birthday Gift This Year Mike Pence Struggling To Reckon With Vision Of Prophet Muhammad Revealing That VP Destined To Become Next President 7 Misdemeanors Every College Kid Justifies as Fine Annual “Throw a Paper Airplane at a Mosque Day” Guidelines Released My First day at the Department for Duplicated Departments Casting Bawl Apple Releases Three New iPhones Latest Polls Show Support for Trump Reduced to Mostly Meth Heads The Onion’s 2018 Fall Movie Preview ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens ‘Just Tell Me Whose Feet To Wash’ How Colleges Are Appealing To The Digital Native Generation Trump Redirected Nearly $10 Million In FEMA Funds Toward ICE The 8 Types of Players In Every Game of 'Never Have I Ever' New Smithsonian Exhibit Details How Fashion Pioneers Tamed The Frumpy West The Case For And Against Confirming Brett Kavanaugh Gentrification Begets Gentrification – Jim Hightower, Humor Times If Movie Posters Were Honest (September 2018 Edition) Freeloading Refugee Children Taking Up Thousands Of Prison Cells Meant For Real Americans FEMA Officials Panic After Accidentally Evacuating 1 Million Residents In Direction Of Hurricane MoviePass CEO: PLEASE DON'T CANCEL Woman Starting To Worry She Just Has Type Of Face Where Makeup Looks Insane What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You Pony Anxiously Waiting For Attendant To Flag Large Child As Too Big For Ride Nurse’s Tray All Scalpels Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition Study: Nuclear Power Necessary To Cut Climate Emissions Cameraman Strikes Gold With Tubby Fan Eating Ice Cream, Dancing, Holding Baby Sweatshop Worker Doesn’t Even Want To Know Working Conditions Of Place Her Company Gets Fabric 7 Venmo Transactions Between Luke And Owen Wilson That Make It Seem Like They’ve Been Practicing Dentistry On Each Other Apple Fans Disappointed After Company Unveils Same Overpriced CEO That Barely Fucking Works TV ‘n’ Dinner in Trumpworld: What to Cook When You’re Watching Fake News 6 Style Guides For College Freshman Pope Starting To Suspect Bishops Getting Huge Erections During Meeting On Child Sexual Abuse Might Be Pedophiles Whoa, Slow Down There, Buddy. Nobody Dates My Daughter Without Telling Me Which ‘Sailor Moon’ Character They Are First More Than 1 Million Ordered To Evacuate Due To Hurricane Florence Emails Between God and His IT Guy Apple Announces New Trade-In Offer For Customers To Exchange Their Old iPhones For Absolutely Nothing Man Going To Restroom Deputizes Friend To Order Him Another Beer Dermatologist Recommends Not Caring So Much What Other People Think Couple Nervous To Admit They Met Online In Comments Section Of ‘How To Iron Shirt’ Video Superheroes in the Millennial Legion Barack Obama Has Once Again Invited Ahmed To His House To Get Another Look At That Sweet Goddamn Clock He Built U.S. Jobless Claims Fall To 49-Year Low

Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Debaters


Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews ‘The Debaters’: Senator Bernie Sanders and comedian Roseanne Barr

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and comedian Roseanne Barr. They will be today’s debaters, discussing the 2018 midterm elections.

Bernie Sanders, debaters
Bernie Sanders. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

SANDERS

Go easy. Took me two hours to find this fercockta place.

JERRY

There’s been some road construction and I forgot to tell you about the detours.

ROSEANNE

Yeah. The guy in front of me was drivin so slow, the Amish people in the buggy gave him the finger.

JERRY

Let’s see what’s at stake in the upcoming election. There are 435 seats in the House. The Dems need 24 Republican seats to win the majority. In the Senate, there are 100 seats and the Dems need to take 2 seats to win the majority. It’s an uphill battle.

SANDERS

Did anyone think Justify would win the Triple Crown this year? How about the Eagles winning the Super Bowl?

BARR

How about you gettin a haircut?

SANDERS

Only if they remove the top 1%.

BARR

(sarcastic) Very funny. I’d rather be rich than stupid.

SANDERS

You’re both.

JERRY

Roseanne. You’re a friend of Trump.

BARR

He’s makin America great again. All these Republican candidates are runnin on his impressive record.

JERRY

Slow down. Do you realize the House could be in jeopardy and 60% of Americans think Trump is bad for America?

BARR

Fake news. Look what he’s done? We’re now friends with Russia and North Korea, Trump yanked the security clearances of our crooked intelligence officials, more people are workin, Omarosa is gone from the White House and Sarah Sanders is on a diet.

SANDERS

Hold it right there. First, Sarah Sanders is not on a diet. She’s so fat the when she goes to the beach, all the whales start singing We Are Family. Second, many people are working more than one job and almost everyone is working for less money. Wages are stagnant. Third, Omarosa has secretly taped 200 conversations in the White House. Good luck with that one. Fourth, with friends like Russia and North Korea, who needs enemies? Thanks a lot Trumpster for exposing America and the free world to getting our elections hacked now and forever.

BARR

Okay, Dr. Oz. Sarah Sanders is a little porky, but she’s tryin to lose weight. Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

SANDERS

The economy is anemic. Do you know what my supporters call their roommates?

BARR

No clue.

SANDERS

Mom and dad.

BARR

About that Omarosa. She’s an eggs benedict.

JERRY

You mean Benedict Arnold.

BARR

Whatever, Duncan. (rants) I’m on Ambien! They’re comin to take me away ha, ha, they’re comin to take me away!

JERRY

Looks like the Bernster touched a raw nerve.

BARR

(still ranting) I shouldn’t have been born. I’m the Tasmanian devil. My brother is Charles Manson. My extended family are morons.

JERRY

Calm down. This looks like a scene from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.

BARR

I’m sorry and stuff. Okayyyy!!

JERRY

Let me ask. What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother’s sister?

BARR

A fat cat.

JERRY

Nope. An aunt-eater.

BARR

You’re gettin me upset again!

JERRY

Shrug it off. Go to your refrigerator tonight and chug down some beers.

SANDERS

Not a good idea. For all the guys who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

JERRY

You’re brilliant, Bernie. I see a future for you at The Comedy Store.

SANDERS

Can I try a few jokes on your audience?

JERRY

Sure.

SANDERS

My wife said she needed more space, so I locked her out.

JERRY

Not bad.

SANDERS

Chili represents three stages of matter: Solid, liquid and eventually gas.

BARR

Hey, wait a second. Those are my jokes.

SANDERS

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

BARR

That’s not fair. You’re do damn ugly that when you look in the mirror, your reflection runs away.

SANDERS

Are you talking trash?

BARR

(yells) See my middle finger, Bernie? I wasn’t born with enough of them!

JERRY

Tomorrow everyone. Same time, same station.

The following two tabs change content below.

Dean Kaner
Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
Dean Kaner



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish