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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Debaters

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews ‘The Debaters’: Senator Bernie Sanders and comedian Roseanne Barr

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and comedian Roseanne Barr. They will be today’s debaters, discussing the 2018 midterm elections.

Bernie Sanders, debaters
Bernie Sanders. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

SANDERS

Go easy. Took me two hours to find this fercockta place.

JERRY

There’s been some road construction and I forgot to tell you about the detours.

ROSEANNE

Yeah. The guy in front of me was drivin so slow, the Amish people in the buggy gave him the finger.

JERRY

Let’s see what’s at stake in the upcoming election. There are 435 seats in the House. The Dems need 24 Republican seats to win the majority. In the Senate, there are 100 seats and the Dems need to take 2 seats to win the majority. It’s an uphill battle.

SANDERS

Did anyone think Justify would win the Triple Crown this year? How about the Eagles winning the Super Bowl?

BARR

How about you gettin a haircut?

SANDERS

Only if they remove the top 1%.

BARR

(sarcastic) Very funny. I’d rather be rich than stupid.

SANDERS

You’re both.

JERRY

Roseanne. You’re a friend of Trump.

BARR

He’s makin America great again. All these Republican candidates are runnin on his impressive record.

JERRY

Slow down. Do you realize the House could be in jeopardy and 60% of Americans think Trump is bad for America?

BARR

Fake news. Look what he’s done? We’re now friends with Russia and North Korea, Trump yanked the security clearances of our crooked intelligence officials, more people are workin, Omarosa is gone from the White House and Sarah Sanders is on a diet.

SANDERS

Hold it right there. First, Sarah Sanders is not on a diet. She’s so fat the when she goes to the beach, all the whales start singing We Are Family. Second, many people are working more than one job and almost everyone is working for less money. Wages are stagnant. Third, Omarosa has secretly taped 200 conversations in the White House. Good luck with that one. Fourth, with friends like Russia and North Korea, who needs enemies? Thanks a lot Trumpster for exposing America and the free world to getting our elections hacked now and forever.

BARR

Okay, Dr. Oz. Sarah Sanders is a little porky, but she’s tryin to lose weight. Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

SANDERS

The economy is anemic. Do you know what my supporters call their roommates?

BARR

No clue.

SANDERS

Mom and dad.

BARR

About that Omarosa. She’s an eggs benedict.

JERRY

You mean Benedict Arnold.

BARR

Whatever, Duncan. (rants) I’m on Ambien! They’re comin to take me away ha, ha, they’re comin to take me away!

JERRY

Looks like the Bernster touched a raw nerve.

BARR

(still ranting) I shouldn’t have been born. I’m the Tasmanian devil. My brother is Charles Manson. My extended family are morons.

JERRY

Calm down. This looks like a scene from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.

BARR

I’m sorry and stuff. Okayyyy!!

JERRY

Let me ask. What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother’s sister?

BARR

A fat cat.

JERRY

Nope. An aunt-eater.

BARR

You’re gettin me upset again!

JERRY

Shrug it off. Go to your refrigerator tonight and chug down some beers.

SANDERS

Not a good idea. For all the guys who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.

JERRY

You’re brilliant, Bernie. I see a future for you at The Comedy Store.

SANDERS

Can I try a few jokes on your audience?

JERRY

Sure.

SANDERS

My wife said she needed more space, so I locked her out.

JERRY

Not bad.

SANDERS

Chili represents three stages of matter: Solid, liquid and eventually gas.

BARR

Hey, wait a second. Those are my jokes.

SANDERS

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

BARR

That’s not fair. You’re do damn ugly that when you look in the mirror, your reflection runs away.

SANDERS

Are you talking trash?

BARR

(yells) See my middle finger, Bernie? I wasn’t born with enough of them!

JERRY

Tomorrow everyone. Same time, same station.

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Dean Kaner
Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
Dean Kaner

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