Homepage / Fake News / The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President Jimmy Carter
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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President Jimmy Carter

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 39th president of the United States, Jimmy Carter.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

jimmy carter by donkeyhotey
Jimmy Carter. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the 39th president of the United States, Jimmy Carter.

JIMMY CARTER

Hello. I notice you’re eating a bag of peanuts. They can make you fat if you eat too many.

JERRY

That’s okay. I thought you we’re gonna say fart.

CARTER

160 calories in a handful.

JERRY

Don’t lecture me, Mr. Peanut. Save it for Dumbo.

CARTER

Hey Duncan. Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?

JERRY

No.

CARTER

I’m not telling you. You might spread it.

JERRY

Okay, wise guy. Why did the peanuts run across the busy road?

CARTER

Can I call my wife Rosalyn? She might know.

JERRY

Because they were nuts. Just like your brother Billy.

JERRY

You were a Georgia State Senator from 1963-67, Governor of Georgia from 1971-75, then elected president in 1977.

CARTER

I got tired of the family peanut business. I wanted to make a real difference in this world.

JERRY

You sure did. Interest rates rose 18%. Not many people could afford to buy a home or borrow money. And 52 Americans were taken hostage and held for 444 days.

CARTER

Pass the peanuts, please.

JERRY

Of course, you had some successes.

CARTER

Yes. I was interviewed in Playboy. Honest, didn’t look at those pretty girls in the pictures. But I do recall Stormy Daniels‘ grandmother Rainbow was Playmate of the Month on the cover. Ha cha cha.

CARTER

Aside from the interview, I signed the SALT II agreement with the Soviet Union, brought Egypt and Israel together for a peace treaty normalizing relations and who can forget my personal friendship with Elvis Presley.

JERRY

What was Elvis Presley’s last great hit?

CARTER

I don’t know.

JERRY

The bathroom floor.

CARTER

You’re a strange man, Duncan. I bet you don’t have hobbies.

JERRY

Yes I do. I collect belly button lint.

CARTER

Well I build houses for Habitat For Humanity. Only one mishap in 39 years. Last month, I accidentally nailed a volunteer to the other side of the door I was working on. Unfortunately, it was my daughter Amy.

A loud door slam is heard in the studio.

ROSALYN

Yoohoo, Jimmy. I brought you lunch.

CARTER

Thanks, sweetie.

JERRY

What do you got there?

ROSALYN

A possum. It’s fresh road kill from my tires on the way over.

JERRY

Get that mangled thing out of here before I puke.

ROSALYN

You’re no fun.

JERRY

I know you two old fogies don’t like to say bad things about people. But honestly, what do you think of Donald Trump?

ROSALYN

Trump is so stupid, he sat on his TV and watched the couch.

CARTER

Trump went to Walgreens and said “Hey, these walls aren’t green.” I say “Make tacos, not walls.”

JERRY

Should Congress impeach him?

ROSALYN

Yes. Impeach Trump. Make America Great Again.

CARTER

There you go. My wife is so smart, people think she’s half Asian.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.

Dean Kaner

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