Homepage / Fake News / The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Michael Cohen
This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 Universe Admits We’re Here to Keep up with the Kardashians Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified Robot Will Eventually Take His Job Fed-Up EU Rejects United Kingdom, Gives British 30 Days To Vacate Europe Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet with R Kelly. Chuck Schumer Honestly Pretty Amazed He Hasn’t Caved Yet Progressive Populism: A Different Kind of Political Beauty GOP Leaders Condemn Steve King For White Supremacy Comment NBA Ref Petrified After Seeing Depiction Of Own Death While Looking Under Replay Hood Viagra Announces Real Medicine That Gave Customers Erections Was Confidence All Along Poll Shows Increasing Number Of Voters Blame Founding Fathers For Starting America The Gruesome Truth About Parasites [Full Episode] Victorian Courtship Etiquette That I, A Millennial Male, Am In Favor of Rekindling William Barr Assures Senate He Will Let Donald Trump Finish His Job Without Any Interference Government Shutdowns By The Numbers FBI Opened Inquiry Into Whether Trump Working For Russians I Just Found Out My Hot Gay Boyfriend Is Also My Twin Brother Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users Solely With Distant Relatives Advisors Instruct William Barr To Avoid Referring To Trump As ‘My Liege’ During Confirmation Hearing Most Americans Blame Trump For Shutdown Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New Government GOP Strips Steve King Of Post On Powerful House Segregation Committee 2005 Minnesota Vikings (with Rob O'Connor) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Excited To Hear Series Will Finally Be Over A Computer Co-Wrote this Sketch Christmas Really Over, Man Realizes As iPhone Game Switches Out Holiday Icon R&B Singer Guesses She’ll Just Keep Moaning Into Mic Until Song Is Over List: Chuck Norris Would Like to Revisit His Facts Nation’s Idiots Announce Plans To Jump Off Their Roofs Into A Pile Of Snow And Break Their Fucking Legs Tips To Become a Better Job Hunter & Gatherer I’m Orville Redenbacher’s Dad and I Think His Popcorn Sucks Ass White Nationalists Accuse Google of Anti-Nazi Bias When He Doesn't Get the Hint [Full Episode] The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up Let Me and the 10 Demons That Possess Me Host the Oscars Locker Rooms Bilbo Gets Trolled The Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘I’ve Never Had Sex’ Interview Pt 2 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Instant Pot Recipes for Angering Everyone The Humor Times Needs Your Help! The Trump Family Intervention – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley and Former Senator Orrin Hatch A Day in the Life of Timothée Chalamet’s Stylist Oh No, Did We Hurt Brennan's Feelings? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits: ‘I’ve Never Had Real Sex!’ | You make the news…We report it! List: Official Ranking of Every Hollywood “Chris” Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up I Will Continue to Block the Slide Until We Build a Wall Separating Our Recess from Mrs. Montgomery’s Class This Amazing New Anti-Bullying Campaign Reminds Kids That Even Though Bullying Might Be Fun, Rewarding, And Cool, It Can Sometimes Make You Tired List: What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War I, The Lovable Prankster of My House, Have Been Asked to Move Out for Some Reason Fantasy High Binge Compilation (Episodes 1 – 8) I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast TSA Guy Circling Stuff On Boarding Pass With Reckless Abandon Advisory Group : “Being Speaker of the House Doesn’t Mean You Always Have to Have Your Mouth Open” Feeling Smart is the New Smart I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins Creating Rounded Characters (with Lou Wilson) You've NEVER Seen Star Wars?! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Admits Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Enemy Rita Repulsa Is Her Mother CIA Issues Posthumous Apology After New Evidence Clears Osama Bin Laden Of Involvement In 9/11 Attacks The Monster Under My Bed Is Addicted to His iPhone Study: Most Teens Who Respond to Acne Treatment Still Ugly After Xmas Gift Wish List Where Is AI Driving Us? The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped Science and History Get Weird in WHAT THE F 101 [Official Trailer] Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019 Tumbleweed Of Pubes Rolls Through Desolate Dorm Bathroom President Ends Shutdown After Disruption To Nation's Cheeseburger Supply Line Elon Musk, I Can Do Your Job! This Turkey is a Total TILF The State Nicknames Convention | Points in Case You Don't Actually Need a Menu It’s Not An Easy Thing To Admit When You’re Wrong, And That’s Why I Won’t Do It How My Wife Improved Robert Frost’s Most Famous Poem An Amazon Warehouse Worker’s Year-In-Review Analytics Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder A Planet Full of Appetizers The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy My Resolutions for You in 2019 8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality) Don't Bother Fixing Your Problems Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner Mitt Romney: The President of the United States Has the Responsibility to At Least Pretend to Be a Good Person Dow Jones Slips into ‘Rape and Pillage’ Market List: Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults Fantasy High Cast Reflects on Season One The Pros and Cons of Owning Different Pets A Few Quick Notes About Your Son’s “Tree #2” Role in His 6th Grade Play, From Me, The Lead’s Mother List: 10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun Writing a Public Apology? Clappy is Here to Help! Your New Year's Resolutions Never Change Getting My Just Desserts: Diet Myths Debunked DIY Democracy – Jim Hightower, Humor Times NBC Aires Chrissy Teigen’s Steamed Vagina Health Tips Live During New Years Eve Telecast

Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Michael Cohen


Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Trump attorney Michael Cohen.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Trump attorney Michael Cohen.

Michael Cohen by DonkeyHotey
Michael Cohen, image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com

MICHAEL COHEN

I’m a changed man, Duncan. Before I wanted to bust your chops for the mean things you said about the Trumpster. I finally realized you’ve been telling the truth.

JERRY

Now that you’re headed to jail, I gotta ask. What’s an inmates favorite place to hangout?

COHEN

The prison yard?

JERRY

At the bars.

COHEN

I was told this was going to be a serious interview.

JERRY

I lied. Boo-hoo.

JERRY

Sorry to interrupt. A bulletin just in to our newsroom. The Energizer Bunny was arrested, charged with battery.

COHEN

He’ll get off free of charge.

JERRY

You’re a riot, Cohen. You can entertain the prisoners when they’re not busy trying to grab your butt.

COHEN

The Trumpster is accusing me of disloyalty. How could he say such a thing? He was my idol. A father figure.

JERRY

You mean Godfather.

COHEN

I protected Trump. Stormy Daniels said she was going to screw his brains out. That sounded like murder. After convincing him that Stormy was dangerous, he told me to get rid of her with a $100,000 payoff.

JERRY

That’s more money than she made proofreading M&M’s.

COHEN

I plead guilty to that charge and 7 more counts of campaign finance violations, tax fraud and bank fraud. All because of Trump.

JERRY

You are a naughty boy.

COHEN

My father told me that I was an embarrassment to the family. I saw his head spinning like a dreidel.

COHEN

And what about my wife Laura?

JERRY

I heard she’s already dating. She’ll be just fine without you.

COHEN

Laura’s not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said “All kids smell that way.”

JERRY

You go back a long way of being crooked. In 2005, you were the co-owner of Taxi Funding Corporation in New York City. Owned 200 cabs. A warrant was filed against your partner who was a convicted felon.

COHEN

He was a putz. We didn’t get our license renewed. I wasn’t the one that was crooked.

JERRY

What about the $37,000 in unpaid taxes you owed the city?

COHEN

I needed the money for a future trip. I had every intention of paying it back.

JERRY

Was that money used for meetings you had in Moscow with Russian officials about construction of a Trump Tower?

COHEN

Correct.

JERRY

During the 2016 presidential campaign?

COHEN

Correct.

JERRY

It was illegal.

COHEN

Yes. That is correct, Your Honor.

JERRY

Before sentencing, let me remind you that crowded elevators smell different to midgets. Do you have anything to say?

COHEN

My Bubbie Dora used to tell me “If you sleep with dogs, you get up with fleas.” I am going to start a new life in prison. I look forward to making license plates, maybe running the laundry room, cleaning the latrines. I can take classes in building maintenance. My goal is to scrub all 1,576 stairs in the Empire State Building. I am sorry to my family and the country. That is all, Your Honor.

JERRY

Okay. I am sentencing you to 1 year of probation and 100 hours of community service.

COHEN

Mr. Duncan. I can’t believe you’re so fair and unbiased. This is fantastic!

JERRY

It’s April Fools Day early, you idiot. The Feds in New York are sending you to the slammer for 3 years.

COHEN

Oh no!!!

JERRY

But every cloud has a silver lining. I have good news and bad news.

COHEN

What’s the bad news?

JERRY

Donald Trump is going to the same prison as you.

COHEN

Then what’s the good news?

JERRY

I pulled some strings and you will be his supervisor on latrine duty. You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example. See you tomorrow everyone.

The following two tabs change content below.

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.

Dean Kaner



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish