Homepage / Fake News / The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Michael Cohen
Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series

Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Michael Cohen

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Trump attorney Michael Cohen.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Trump attorney Michael Cohen.

Michael Cohen by DonkeyHotey
Michael Cohen, image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com

MICHAEL COHEN

I’m a changed man, Duncan. Before I wanted to bust your chops for the mean things you said about the Trumpster. I finally realized you’ve been telling the truth.

JERRY

Now that you’re headed to jail, I gotta ask. What’s an inmates favorite place to hangout?

COHEN

The prison yard?

JERRY

At the bars.

COHEN

I was told this was going to be a serious interview.

JERRY

I lied. Boo-hoo.

JERRY

Sorry to interrupt. A bulletin just in to our newsroom. The Energizer Bunny was arrested, charged with battery.

COHEN

He’ll get off free of charge.

JERRY

You’re a riot, Cohen. You can entertain the prisoners when they’re not busy trying to grab your butt.

COHEN

The Trumpster is accusing me of disloyalty. How could he say such a thing? He was my idol. A father figure.

JERRY

You mean Godfather.

COHEN

I protected Trump. Stormy Daniels said she was going to screw his brains out. That sounded like murder. After convincing him that Stormy was dangerous, he told me to get rid of her with a $100,000 payoff.

JERRY

That’s more money than she made proofreading M&M’s.

COHEN

I plead guilty to that charge and 7 more counts of campaign finance violations, tax fraud and bank fraud. All because of Trump.

JERRY

You are a naughty boy.

COHEN

My father told me that I was an embarrassment to the family. I saw his head spinning like a dreidel.

COHEN

And what about my wife Laura?

JERRY

I heard she’s already dating. She’ll be just fine without you.

COHEN

Laura’s not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said “All kids smell that way.”

JERRY

You go back a long way of being crooked. In 2005, you were the co-owner of Taxi Funding Corporation in New York City. Owned 200 cabs. A warrant was filed against your partner who was a convicted felon.

COHEN

He was a putz. We didn’t get our license renewed. I wasn’t the one that was crooked.

JERRY

What about the $37,000 in unpaid taxes you owed the city?

COHEN

I needed the money for a future trip. I had every intention of paying it back.

JERRY

Was that money used for meetings you had in Moscow with Russian officials about construction of a Trump Tower?

COHEN

Correct.

JERRY

During the 2016 presidential campaign?

COHEN

Correct.

JERRY

It was illegal.

COHEN

Yes. That is correct, Your Honor.

JERRY

Before sentencing, let me remind you that crowded elevators smell different to midgets. Do you have anything to say?

COHEN

My Bubbie Dora used to tell me “If you sleep with dogs, you get up with fleas.” I am going to start a new life in prison. I look forward to making license plates, maybe running the laundry room, cleaning the latrines. I can take classes in building maintenance. My goal is to scrub all 1,576 stairs in the Empire State Building. I am sorry to my family and the country. That is all, Your Honor.

JERRY

Okay. I am sentencing you to 1 year of probation and 100 hours of community service.

COHEN

Mr. Duncan. I can’t believe you’re so fair and unbiased. This is fantastic!

JERRY

It’s April Fools Day early, you idiot. The Feds in New York are sending you to the slammer for 3 years.

COHEN

Oh no!!!

JERRY

But every cloud has a silver lining. I have good news and bad news.

COHEN

What’s the bad news?

JERRY

Donald Trump is going to the same prison as you.

COHEN

Then what’s the good news?

JERRY

I pulled some strings and you will be his supervisor on latrine duty. You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example. See you tomorrow everyone.

The following two tabs change content below.

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.

Dean Kaner

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish