Homepage / Fake News / The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Hosts of 'The View'
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus An Ice Cream Truck | See Plum Run Gov. Cuomo, Please Repeat That America “Was Never That Great” Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms I’m a 9-1-1 Operator who Loves the Movie “Titanic” Conor McGregor Announces Plans to Fight JFK International Airport If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul) ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court The Weird Lore of the Wendigo and Why They're Kinda the Original Zombies Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder Why The Scariest Episode Of 'Goosebumps' Is Even Scarier Today Twitter To Totally Ban ‘Retweets’ | Adobo Chronicles A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign 5 Real Life Cryptids You'll Deal With On A Daily Basis Skip Bayless Rips Shannon Sharpe’s Heart From Body During Debate On Cowboys O-Line Why You Shouldn't Have a Gender Reveal Party Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine These Rival Gang Members Came Together To Help Build A Community Playground To Fight Over Ugh, Political Comedy is the Worst Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That Heaven Can't Wait National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material

Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Hosts of ‘The View’


Hosts of ‘The View,’ Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar, interviewed on talk radio show.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the women from The View: Joy Behar, Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg.

Hosts of 'The View,' Rosie O'Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar
Hosts of ‘The View,’ Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar.

JERRY

Hi ladies.

BEHAR

Hello.

O’DONNELL

Hi.

GOLDBERG

Wazzup?

JERRY

Joy, you’ve been on the show the longest. Are you in a dead end career?

BEHAR

Hey empty suit. I do ribbon cutting at new Wal-Mart stores. I’m the spokesperson for Poligrip and will be doing reverse mortgage commercials. And I don’t even know what the hell a reverse mortgage is.

JERRY

It’s something that old farts like.

BEHAR

My peeps.

JERRY

Speaking of old, what does Barbara Walters look like without makeup?

BEHAR

Ever see that little girl spinning her head in The Exorcist?

JERRY

Yikes! Let’s talk politics. Michael Wolff wrote the tell all book Fire and Fury about inside the Trump White House. Wolff said Trump doesn’t like to read, displays child-like behavior and very self-centered. In other words, he’s not fit to be president.

O’DONNELL

Trump is a jerk. The orange man publicly humiliated me in 2006 saying derogatory names about being fat. All I said was that Trump was a snake oil salesman and he went postal.

GOLDBERG

I’m with you, dawg.

O’DONNELL

Did you just call me a dog?

GOLDBERG

In a good way. You’re a dawg.

O’CONNELL

Yeah? When yo momma dropped you off for school she got a fine for littering.

GOLDBERG

Bitch, you’re so damn fat that when you wear a yellow raincoat people think you’re a taxicab.

JERRY

Ladies, this isn’t The Jerry Springer Show.

BEHAR

That’s not what you told me over the phone. People like you end up missing in my neighborhood wise guy.

JERRY

Tell me the worst things Trump did his first year in office.

O’CONNELL

I’ll start. He pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement. The weather is changing so rapidly from greenhouse gases in the earth’s atmosphere. Toxic gases are rising and that’s just from Trump’s mouth.

BEHAR

Russian interference in our elections. It makes Trump appear guilty after the firing of FBI director Jame Comey. Also, his stonewalling of investigations and using Republican surrogates claiming this is all a political witch hunt by the Democrats against him. Everything smells of obstruction including his armpits.

GOLDBERG

Charlottesville. A bunch of racists spewing anti-Black, anti-Semitic, anti-Immigrant slogans during demonstrations claiming minorities are trying to run the government. The only thing I want to run is my Whoopi & Maya medical marijuana company. And Jerry, I think you could use a doobie to mellow out. What do you say? I have one in my purse.

JERRY

I’ve never smoked a doobie. Will I be mentally deranged?

BEHAR

You already are, Duncan. You have nothing to lose.

Goldberg lights the doobie.

O’DONNELL

Let me have a puff. Star Jones is suing me because I revealed that fibber had gastric by pass surgery. Like she lost 100 pounds arguing with Joy and I on The View.

O’Donnell takes a puff.

O’DONNELL

Wow, strong stuff. Makes me want to forget about my divorce.

GOLDBERG

What divorce? You’re not even married.

O’DONNELL

Cool.

BEHAR

Pass it to me, Rosie. I hear OJ Simpson has a crush on me. I don’t need another backstabber.

GOLDBERG

Gimme that doobie, girl. It’s Jerry’s turn. (pause) Here Jerry, this is going to turn you into a marshmallow. Inhale slowly.

Loud breathing is heard.

JERRY

Does nothing for me. Whoops, all of the sudden I can’t find my feet. Are you girls hiding them? C’mon, I need to walk.

The women are giggling.

O’DONNELL

We’re going to take over the interview.

GOLDBERG

Yeah. Not many people know about you. Like did you date chicks in high school?

JERRY

(giggling uncontrollably)

Are you the Spice Girls? You’re beautiful.

BEHAR

Get back on topic. Did you have a girlfriend in high school?

JERRY

I did. Her name was Sarah.

O’DONNELL

I heard you say on one of your shows that you went to Wasilla High in Alaska.

GOLDBERG

Shhh. This could be the big reveal.

JERRY

She was pretty…

BEHAR

Dumb.

JERRY

Good looking. A brunette with a nice shape. Sarah liked me because she thought my dad owned Duncan Donuts.

O’CONNELL

Was the girl’s name Sarah Palin?

JERRY

Well. She was older than me as I recall. The town nicknamed her “the mindless cougar.”

O’CONNELL

It could be Palin.

JERRY

Sarah had great ambition. Worked her way up to cashier at the local market. When the customers checked out at the register, they’d thank her for the great service. In kind, she’d respond “You betcha.”

BEHAR

It’s Palin.

GOLDBERG

Look. The drug is wearing off.

JERRY

There’s my feet. I knew they couldn’t have gotten far. What are you girls still doing here?

GOLDBERG

The show ain’t over, homie.

JERRY

Now it is you idiots. See you tomorrow everyone.

The following two tabs change content below.

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He is co-producing the play Before We’re Gone by Jerry Small opening July 5, 2018 at Thirteenth Street Repertory Company in New York City.

Dean Kaner



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish