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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Rudy Giuliani

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez by DonkeyHotey
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning Mayor Giuliani.

RUDY

Morning.

JERRY

Good morning Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez.

ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ

Este hombre a mi lado es un lunatic.

RUDY

Gracias.

JERRY

What did you just say?

CORTEZ

This man next to me is a lunatic. And he thanked me.

RUDY

I’m calling ICE. Better run for the border, sister.

JERRY

Lots happened since you were both here last. More indictments of Trump campaign officials like Roger Stone, who coordinated with WikiLeaks to influence the 2016 election. Michael Cohen testified in Congress against Trump and a Trump Tower deal in Moscow while he was running for president. Rudster. Was there collusion?

RUDY

Of course there was collusion. No. There wasn’t collusion.

CORTEZ

You’re so fat you can’t jump to a conclusion.

JERRY

How about you, Congresswoman? You were one of the reasons the Amazon headquarters deal died in New York City. Would have created 25,000 jobs.

CORTEZ

It was bad, bro. $3 billion offered to Jeff Bezos in government incentives. That’s money my homies can use for rebuilding the hood. Worker exploitation and corporate greed. Amazon can take their jobs and shove it.

JERRY

You know Bezos is getting a divorce. It may cost him $67 billion dollars.

RUDY

Yeah. But it includes free shipping.

CORTEZ

Amazon Prime. Isn’t that where you get all your wives? How many times at the alter, Rudster?

RUDY

(imitates Daffy Duck) “You’re deth-picable.”

JERRY

Are the Democrats going to impeach Trump?

CORTEZ

You better believe it, baby. That man undermined our security and obstructed justice. Trump hates the first amendment, loves the second amendment and has no idea about any of the other amendments.

RUDY

Trump is brilliant. He fooled Special Counsel Robert Mueller. He built an empire.

CORTEZ

Through money laundering and fraud. Follow the Rubles.

RUDY

I know this sounds stupid. But do I need to use fabric softener when laundering money?

JERRY

I could go on about impeachment, but we have a surprise guest.

RUDY

One of my ex-wives?

CORTEZ

Hey, Rudy. Have you heard of the new divorce Barbie doll?

RUDY

No.

CORTEZ

It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

JERRY

Okay, everyone. Straight off the plane from Hawaii on her Apology Tour. It’s comedian Roseanne Barr.

The door slams.

ROSEANNE

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

Are you still angry at me from the last interview?

ROSEANNE

Nah. I spent time in the loony bin. I’m a changed person.

ROSEANNE

Hi Rudy.

RUDY

Donald Trump loves you.

ROSEANNE

He’s my favorite comedian.

JERRY

Tell me about the Apology Tour.

ROSEANNE

It’s repentance and stuff. I was an angry woman when I got fired from The Conners. It’s far easier to forgive an enemy after you’ve gotten even with him. So here it goes.

ROSEANNE

I’m sorry I lived in Salt Lake City. I’m sorry I married Tom Arnold. I’m sorry for the mean, accurate things I said. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid, Jerry. I really thought you already knew.

JERRY

What do you think Congresswoman? Can we forgive Roseanne?

CORTEZ

Roseanne’s so stupid that she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate.”

ROSEANNE

You’re so stupid that you chased the garbage truck with a grocery list.

CORTEZ

Your birth certificate is an apology.

ROSEANNE

Screw the Apology Tour! Voices in my head are tellin me to go back to my old ways. I stopped fightin my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.


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