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Fake News

The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Reince Priebus


Our intrepid radio talk show host interviews former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. He was fired by the Trumpster after just six months on the job.

Reince Priebus donkeyhotey
Reince Priebus. Image by donkeyhotey, flickr.com.

REINCE PRIEBUS

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

Man, you look like a baby. I brought you this Make America Great rattle for nostalgia in case things get out of control.

PRIEBUS

(shakes rattle)

I hate it.

JERRY

You were the person that decided who would meet with the president in the Oval Office.

PRIEBUS

Yeah, but I had to run it by the Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. You know him?

JERRY

Sure. The guy who had a moon landing on his crater face. Hey, what about Jared Kushner?

PRIEBUS

He weren’t allowed to talk. We did sign language. It was like working with Helen Keller. Very strange.

JERRY

The Russian probe is getting close to the White House family.

PRIEBUS

I know. I might be in trouble.

(crying like a baby)

Whaaaaaaa, whaaaaaaa. Get me a binky.

JERRY

I will little man, but first tell the truth.

PRIEBUS

Will you get me in Witness Protection?

JERRY

Absolutely.

PRIEBUS

Well, okay. In 5 seconds here it goes — Trump knew everything, there was a meeting with Russians at the Trump Tower to hack DNC emails, meetings with Russians in the Oval Office, deal cut for Russian mail order brides, a summer White House in Moscow next year and Jared Kushner wasn’t circumcised. Oops!

JERRY

I have good news and bad news.

PRIEBUS

What? I’m peeing in my pants.

JERRY

The bad news is I punked you. The good news is your life insurance is paid up.

PRIEBUS

You creep. You’re rotten to the core.

JERRY

Get over it. He’s gonna resign.

PRIEBUS

(hopeful)

You really think so?

JERRY

Trump hasn’t passed one piece of major legislation. No healthcare, tax reform, infrastructure, a Federal holiday for Bevis and Butthead. Nada.

PRIEBUS

I guess I’ll go home to Green Bay. I miss wearing my Cheesehead hat.

JERRY

Run for Governor. You could challenge that idiot Scott Walker. They love you in Wisconsin, man.

PRIEBUS

You know, I’m feeling better all ready.

JERRY

Uncle Jerry knows best. Meanwhile, you need to tell the press what you told me about Trump.

PRIEBUS

But he’ll Tweet naughty words about me. He screamed last year when I told him to step down.

JERRY

Don’t worry about the Trumpster. Look who took your place? General John Kelly. Hell, Cap’n Crunch has more experience.

PRIEBUS

Hey, the president threw me under the bus.

JERRY

So did my mother when I was born. Suck it up.

PRIEBUS

I think I can still get in the White House with my key. I’ll wear my scary OJ Simpson mask and yell at Trump and everyone in the cabinet like a mental patient until they resign.

JERRY

That’s the spirit little man. Win one for the Gipper.

PRIEBUS

(depressed)

I can’t do it, Jerry. I have a reoccurring nightmare that the president will order Chris Christie to sit on me. That he’ll peel me off the street like a pancake. Maybe even eat me.

JERRY

Did Einstein give up when he invented the computer? Did Bill Gates give up when he invented Einstein? Did Frankenstein give up with he invented the Kardashians?

PRIEBUS

You’ve inspired me. Gotta go.

JERRY

Wait. The interview isn’t over.

PRIEBUS

Tough luck. I’m going to join the cast of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

JERRY

Good bye everyone. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.

Dean Kaner



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