Homepage / Fake News / The Inaugural Sick Day of a Workaholic by Sarah Garfinkel
Amazon Officially Picks New York, Northern Virginia For Next Headquarters Opie Taylor Actually Barney Fife’s Love Child Recently Divorced 40-Year-Old Struggling To Navigate College Dating Scene A TV Game Show Marketed Toward Acne Sufferers Hits The Airwaves Melania Releases Statement Calling For Removal Of First Lady From White House Nation’s Tourists Announce Plans To Form Circle, Clap Hands Around Guys Doing Flips And Stuff Nancy Pelosi Planning To Reenergize House By Injecting Self With Blood Of Young Representatives The Orb in the Woods Kids Naked Man Refusing To Let Unworthy Attire Touch His Body Until Launch Of New Onion Store Merchandise The Onion’s Guide To ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ The Fantastic Bore North Korea Possibly Still Operating Hidden Missiles Bases Idiot Humans Love When AI Jumbles Up Words 45-Year-Old Loser Moves In With Parents Mark Wahlberg: New Movie "Basically Sucks" ‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy Hillary Launches Campaign To Raise $100 Million Or Else She’ll Run For President Poll Finds Voters Don’t Support Impeaching Trump Steve King Vehemently Denies Comparing Immigrants To People New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Trailer Reveals Final Season Will Be Cobbled Together From Old Footage NRA Publishes Tips For Staying Safe While Committing A Mass Shooting Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member New York City Announces Subway Just For Amazon Employees Now 5 Things To Know About ‘Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald’ Thank You For Doing All the Work Surgeon General Confirms A Bit Of Blow Here And There Won’t Kill Ya The Internet In A Nutshell Trump Delivers Touching Tribute To Fallen Heroes Of WWE Political Ad Spending Hit New Record In 2018 Midterms Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 13, 2018 Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body Ecologists Discover 400 Species Of Charles Darwin Living In Galápagos Islands Kid Diving Into Pile Of Leaves Has No Idea There Homeless Guy Jerking Off In There Stan Lee, Creator Of Beloved Marvel Character Stan Lee, Dead At 95 Emmanuel Macron Calls For ‘True European Army’ Against U.S., Chinese Threats 3 More States Vote To Legalize Marijuana Woman Confident She Has The Safety Net It Takes To Achieve Dreams FEMA Assures Wildfire Victims Bucket Brigade Nearly Over Maryland State Line Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God Family Figures Grandpa Never Talks About WWII Because Nothing Interesting Happened To Him Sorry, I'm a Slow Eater Friends Excitedly Gather Around Man’s Phone To Watch Shaky Footage Of Concert A Teacher's Assistant of Sorts Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me Trump Hacks Through Thick Central American Jungle In Search Of Entirely New Ethnic Group To Demonize Unattractive Man Not Fooling Anyone By Dressing Well The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 12, 2018 Al Gore Discovers a New Environmental Bogeyman I Am A Funny, Funny Book in A Barnes & Noble Display and I Want to Be With Your Niece DMs to a Young Influencer In Honor of Veteran’s Day… A Serious Note from SatireWorld | You make the news…We report it! Should Dunkin’ Donuts End Its Promotion With The NFL That Gives Fans One Free Medium Coffee For Every First Down? Cowboy Ex- Quarterback Tony Romo on Whether He Misses Jessica Simpson Kemp pushes Abrams to concede in Georgia gubernatorial race Neophyte Congresswoman-Elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Sends a Text Message House Republicans Look Forward To Leaving "All This Unpleasantness" Behind A Full Body Cast Fruit Beasts vs. Veggie Monsters Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night ICE-breakers: Fun Games for Agents and Immigrant Children Royal Baby Watch! Harry And Meghan Just Carved A Hole In The Side Of The PODS Container Where They Live Through Which Meghan Will Give Birth Astronomers Confirm Moon Will Have Dozens Of New Phases In 2019 Buy Partisan Is Cindy Gruden Worth More Than The 7th-Round Pick Jon Gruden Traded Her For? Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking Them Away From Others Georgia GOP Demands Stacey Abrams Step Down As Candidate To Avoid Conflict Of Interest Now That the House Is Democratic, I’m Turning My Life Around Record Number Of Women To Take Seats In Congress Reddi-Wip Casually Announces Their Nozzles Can Easily Fit Into Most Orifices Top 10 Positive Things Trump Did for Americans on Nov. 6th City Officials Warn Against Flushing Feminine Hygiene Products After Finding 8-Foot-Long, 250-Pound Tampon Lurking In Sewers The 10 Chillest Bros To Have In Your Squad Michelle Obama Admits Barack Had Way Too Much Sperm To Make Natural Conception Possible 5 Simple Phrases You Can Use To Act Like You Understand Current Events Tips For Ending A Friendship What's Your Worst Drunken Disaster? Ruth Bader Bar Brawl? Ginsburg Admits Injuries Occurred During Raucous Bar Fight He Was The Darling Of The Festival Circuit. He Dominated Awards Season. He Had One Of The Biggest Production Companies In The World. Why One Man Decided To Walk Away From It All Trump saved female intern from Acosta sex attack claims Sarah Sanders Long-Shot Candidate Proposes Four Ball Legislation to Counter Unfair Three Strikes Law Trump Says He Hopes To Work With Democrats On Infrastructure, Drug Pricing Obvious Election Fraud Committed in New Mexico… by a County (a Satireworld Editorial) I Plan to Do Great Work Today Buzz Aldrin Has Announced That He Forgot To Tell Anyone He Saw A Fox On The Moon Idris Elba Named Sexiest Man Alive Uber Driver Wants You To Know That Lots Of Mexicans Live In This Neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall Active Shooter Defeats Democratic Challenger in Mississippi Governor's Race Benefits Of Keeping A Journal Sarah Huckabee Sanders Denies Doctoring Footage Showing Jim Acosta In Clown Makeup Blowing Up Gotham Hospital Frustrated Nursing Student Unable To Draw Blood Without Draining Entire Body Red Sox Take Out Full-Page Ad In ‘New York Times’ Reminding City They Won World Series Chris Collins Thanks Supporters With Can't-Miss Tip On Biotech Stock Mueller Annoyed By Dipshit Protestors Holding Up Traffic During Commute Jeff Sessions Forced Out As Attorney General Department Of Interior Reopens National Parks After Filling In All Canyons Posing Hazardous Fall Risk To Visitors Anguished, Screaming Trump Bans Father’s Ghost From Press Room For Silently Pointing At Him ‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole Mueller Wondering Why There All This Drama Over Trump’s Unpaid Parking Violations

Fake News

The Inaugural Sick Day of a Workaholic by Sarah Garfinkel

6:50 am: Wake up before your alarm (as always) and realize with horror that your right eye is swollen shut. Pink eye is contagious. Janice gave you some “constructive feedback” last year when you went to work with strep throat, and the only thing you dread more than missing work is disappointing your supervisor…no!

6:51 am: Run to the bathroom mirror and apply pink eyeshadow to your left eyelid to see if you can get away with going to work with two pink eyes.

6:54 am: Your roommate’s shriek upon seeing your face in the hallway prompts you to forlornly report your sick day. It’s your first in six years at the organization. (It’s been an awesome six years. Until today. Today is terrible.)

7:30 am: Realize with horror that Janice assigns the fall project to either you or Larry today. Larry is your arch-nemesis. You must. Beat. Larry. Larry steals your limelight and you have sacrificed too much to share the praise. Pull out your voodoo doll of Larry and insert a pin while simultaneously pressing your positive affirmation button.

9:00 am/16 hours since you last received positive performance-based feedback: Your team’s conference call isn’t until 10. Sigh and flip through the channels. It’s all garbage. What do people do when they’re not working? Call up your friend Gloria from high school and ask her how she can stand having all that free time. She does not seem pleased.

10:00 am: You dial into the conference call, but you clear your throat before you can mute yourself and Janice asks if that’s you, Esther, and what are you doing working on a sick day, Esther, so you hang up in shame.

11:15 am: Decide to set up your living room like your office. You’ve heard that familiar settings help people relax. Walk around the room and put your hands in a jar, pretending it’s the jelly bean jar on Janice’s desk. Pretend Janice tells you you’re wonderful. Shake your head modestly. Make the executive decision to seat voodoo doll Larry in a makeshift cubicle instead of his window office. Good luck getting any natural light now, sucker. Puncture his doll flesh with two more pins.

12:00 pm: Sift through your favorite news site and copyedit all of the articles from the past two weeks. You find 57 errors. Unprofessionalism. Call up the editor (you have his number on speed dial) and he “accidentally” puts you on hold—again. He really needs to figure that out.

3:00 pm: A commotion on the street prompts you to walk outside. See Child 5 and Child 6 (you’ve numbered the neighbors for efficiency) and Mothers 2 and 3 setting up a lemonade stand. Run upstairs, print out your 10 page CV, put on an eyepatch to hide your pink eye (mothers are way too overprotective) and beg them for a temp position.

5:15 pm: You’ve destroyed the sign that says 25 cents a cup, added the word “artisan” and upped the price to $3.50. Easy. Child 5 and Child 6 get distracted and start playing with weeds. Peasants. You’ve already turned a profit. The mothers seem unsure of what to do. “I guess we’ll donate it.” Whisper to 5 and 6 that you will invest this money for them now—they’ll thank you someday when social security runs out. Sprint away cackling.

7:00 pm: Download eight dog walking apps and walk eight dogs at once, while also coordinating a UN conference (a subcommittee you’re working with as a freelance gig). Check your email and feel your heart sink—Larry got the project. Name the pit bull Larry. Walk Larry the pit bull to Larry the human’s house. When human Larry eventually walks outside, let dog Larry go in for the tackle as you rub your infected eye on stupid human Larry’s face. Larry’s going down.

9:00 pm: Apply to 27 jobs for fun (your therapist told you that “hobbies are healthy”) and get them all even though it’s 9:00 pm—you’re just that good. Tell Janice. Get promoted immediately because you’re a boss. (Well, not literally. But you’re senior to Larry now!) Wink with your one good eye at voodoo/now-Swiss-cheese Larry. Celebrate your promotion by creating 94 new subfolders on Google Drive.

4 hours and 16 minutes until you get to go back to the most magical place on earth and no that place is not Disneyland, Janice, it’s the office: Drink an espresso shot—your personal Melatonin—and settle down for your nightly pre-work nap.

Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.