Homepage / Fake News / The Inaugural Sick Day of a Workaholic by Sarah Garfinkel
5 Things To Know About ‘Dumbo’ Learning to Love My Talons William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been Introducing Our Latest Groundbreaking Piece of Gym Equipment: The Dialectical Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 25, 2019 Nick Dee on the 2002 NBA All-Star Weekend ‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy The Smelliest Weapon in History Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands Police Confirm Car Had Ethanol In System At Time Of Crash List: 31 Alternate Security Questions for When Remembering Your Mother’s Maiden Name is Too Hard Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia “Sopranos” Episodes I Saw in a Fever Dream Trump: Ouija Spirits Link McCain to Recent Boeing Crashes This Rapper Is Revolutionizing Ad-Libs Donald J Trump, Philanthropist and Humanitarian, is Dead at Age 87 Prom The Nightmare After the Fifth Element Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society Annoyed Boss Can Tell Employees Watching NCAA Tournament On His Computer What Is the Worst Marriage Proposal? Odd Inclusions in the New Line of Bath Bombs Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production God Puts “Religion” Up for Review Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands Sleep with a Snake for $2500 Tips For Quitting Juul Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine Directors’ Notes on Restagings of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” How Much Does Donald Trump Love Farmers? David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money?

Fake News

The Inaugural Sick Day of a Workaholic by Sarah Garfinkel

6:50 am: Wake up before your alarm (as always) and realize with horror that your right eye is swollen shut. Pink eye is contagious. Janice gave you some “constructive feedback” last year when you went to work with strep throat, and the only thing you dread more than missing work is disappointing your supervisor…no!

6:51 am: Run to the bathroom mirror and apply pink eyeshadow to your left eyelid to see if you can get away with going to work with two pink eyes.

6:54 am: Your roommate’s shriek upon seeing your face in the hallway prompts you to forlornly report your sick day. It’s your first in six years at the organization. (It’s been an awesome six years. Until today. Today is terrible.)

7:30 am: Realize with horror that Janice assigns the fall project to either you or Larry today. Larry is your arch-nemesis. You must. Beat. Larry. Larry steals your limelight and you have sacrificed too much to share the praise. Pull out your voodoo doll of Larry and insert a pin while simultaneously pressing your positive affirmation button.

9:00 am/16 hours since you last received positive performance-based feedback: Your team’s conference call isn’t until 10. Sigh and flip through the channels. It’s all garbage. What do people do when they’re not working? Call up your friend Gloria from high school and ask her how she can stand having all that free time. She does not seem pleased.

10:00 am: You dial into the conference call, but you clear your throat before you can mute yourself and Janice asks if that’s you, Esther, and what are you doing working on a sick day, Esther, so you hang up in shame.

11:15 am: Decide to set up your living room like your office. You’ve heard that familiar settings help people relax. Walk around the room and put your hands in a jar, pretending it’s the jelly bean jar on Janice’s desk. Pretend Janice tells you you’re wonderful. Shake your head modestly. Make the executive decision to seat voodoo doll Larry in a makeshift cubicle instead of his window office. Good luck getting any natural light now, sucker. Puncture his doll flesh with two more pins.

12:00 pm: Sift through your favorite news site and copyedit all of the articles from the past two weeks. You find 57 errors. Unprofessionalism. Call up the editor (you have his number on speed dial) and he “accidentally” puts you on hold—again. He really needs to figure that out.

3:00 pm: A commotion on the street prompts you to walk outside. See Child 5 and Child 6 (you’ve numbered the neighbors for efficiency) and Mothers 2 and 3 setting up a lemonade stand. Run upstairs, print out your 10 page CV, put on an eyepatch to hide your pink eye (mothers are way too overprotective) and beg them for a temp position.

5:15 pm: You’ve destroyed the sign that says 25 cents a cup, added the word “artisan” and upped the price to $3.50. Easy. Child 5 and Child 6 get distracted and start playing with weeds. Peasants. You’ve already turned a profit. The mothers seem unsure of what to do. “I guess we’ll donate it.” Whisper to 5 and 6 that you will invest this money for them now—they’ll thank you someday when social security runs out. Sprint away cackling.

7:00 pm: Download eight dog walking apps and walk eight dogs at once, while also coordinating a UN conference (a subcommittee you’re working with as a freelance gig). Check your email and feel your heart sink—Larry got the project. Name the pit bull Larry. Walk Larry the pit bull to Larry the human’s house. When human Larry eventually walks outside, let dog Larry go in for the tackle as you rub your infected eye on stupid human Larry’s face. Larry’s going down.

9:00 pm: Apply to 27 jobs for fun (your therapist told you that “hobbies are healthy”) and get them all even though it’s 9:00 pm—you’re just that good. Tell Janice. Get promoted immediately because you’re a boss. (Well, not literally. But you’re senior to Larry now!) Wink with your one good eye at voodoo/now-Swiss-cheese Larry. Celebrate your promotion by creating 94 new subfolders on Google Drive.

4 hours and 16 minutes until you get to go back to the most magical place on earth and no that place is not Disneyland, Janice, it’s the office: Drink an espresso shot—your personal Melatonin—and settle down for your nightly pre-work nap.

Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.