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Fake News

The Guy I’m Having Sex With Won’t Stop Quoting Diary of a Wimpy Kid (and Other Love Problems)


The Guy I'm With Won't Stop Quoting Diary of a Wimpy Kid (and Other Love Problems)

Unsolicited is a love and relationship advice column where the love experts here at CollegeHumor offer up their sagely words of wisdom to individuals on the internet who in no way asked for our help. If you’ve seen anyone online dealing with relationship issues and you want us to give them advice, send an email to general@collegehumor.com with the subject “LOVE ADVICE.”

Our first lovelorn individual comes from the treasure trove of r/relationships – and tells of a very normal relationship issue that everyone has dealt with at one point or another:

I have a kinda weird problem. I’ve been seeing this new guy for about 1 month. Things are going well except for this one weird thing……he is constantly saying the phrase “ZOO WEE MAMA”. ALL. THE. TIME.

He says it when he’s excited about something. He says it when his food tastes good. He says it AFTER HE ORGASMS WHEN WE HAVE SEX.

Now usually I am a pretty laid back girl however this has become really annoying and somewhat embarrassing in front of my friends. I also don’t understand what it means or why he says it? I asked him about it when we were cuddling at one point and he sat straight up and started speaking into his watch (not a smartwatch btw) and said “Gadzooks! They’re after my secrets!” and hopped out of bed and ran into the kitchen to eat snacks. I wish I was kidding…

He’s usually somewhat normal but this is driving me insane. I’ve asked him to stop and he usually responds with “zoo wee mama! I’ve been asked to stop saying my favorite phrase!” and then laughs…. I swear if he says it one more time I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. It isn’t funny. He made me so mad the other day when he said it after sex again that I had to get up and leave his apartment.

Other than that, things are going well. Is it worth it to keep this going? Should I drop him? Am I overreacting?


tl;dr: Guy I’m seeing won’t stop saying “zoo wee mama” all the time.

OUR ADVICE

First of all, “Zoo-Wee-Mama” comes from the book and film series, Diary of a Wimpy Kid – specifically, a simple newspaper comic that’s a key plot point in a few of the books. In the comic, “zoo-wee-mama” is an exclamation catchphrase meant to communicate surprise:

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Now, what you should actually DO about this issue is up to you – if you’re someone who is extremely impressed by stealth references to Diary of a Wimpy Kid being hammered into the ground repeatedly at every opportunity without ever providing context, then it would probably be worthwhile to keep your relationship going.

If you’re NOT into that, then you should tell him to “get lost and stop screeching a catchphrase from a literal children’s book during sex, what the hell?” (stealth reference to Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw – the third novel in the series).


From the depths of Yahoo Answers comes a classic quandry: how do you tell your 1st girlfriend that you have a 2nd girlfriend without upsetting her?

How to tell my first girlfriend that i have another one ?

1 – Yes . i am Douchebag and proud . 
2- I have a girlfriend of 6 years who said that i have to wait till marriage to have sex and i couldn’t wait . so i am dating her and dating another girl and i have a lot of fun with both of them . but i don’t know how to tell my first girlfriend that i have another one and that i had sex with her . 
3 – For me it’s not cheating because if she hate sex and think it’s horrible thing then why it’s cheating to have horrible thing with someone else . but i don’t if she will hate or not . 
4- What should i do now ? how to tell her that i have sex with another girl because she won’t me to have it with her ?

OUR ADVICE

Well, since this individual helpfully broke things out into numbers, we will too:

1. The fact that you capitalized “douchebag” but not “i” is interesting. Otherwise, you seem to be pretty self-aware.

2. Okay, so much for that self-awareness. You aren’t “dating” a 2nd girl – you’re CHEATING on your girlfriend. Your best hope is to keep sending your first girlfriend (aka Girlfriend Prime) a bunch of Vice articles about being polyamorous and hope she’s into it. Here’s a couple to get you started:

Fair warning: this is 100% not going to work, but at least you can’t say we didn’t try to help you.

3. Your girlfriend doesn’t “hate” sex, she’s just waiting for marriage. She’s neutral about sex – she has no idea whether she likes it or not! That being said, I have a pretty good feeling you are not going to be the most giving lover, so perhaps it’s for the best her first sexual experience isn’t with you.

4. If your lowkey attempts to convince her to go poly don’t take, you would be best to accept point #1 and tell her you’re a cheating Douchebag (capitalized!). That way she can get out of a 6 YEAR RELATIONSHIP that is clearly not working and it doesn’t turn into anything even longer. She’ll be devastated and she’ll hate you, but you’ll be giving her the greatest gift of all: an ex so shitty that all of her future boyfriends will look incredible by comparison.


Some people think it’s smart to go to the same place they go for anime recommendations AND relationship advice. 

I have unintentionally turned down sex at least 5 times. Help.

As you have read in the title i am rather socially oblivious. It’s not that i am like not good looking, i get cat called by girls quite often and or called “cute” or “attractive” and the all too common “hot” (More than i would expect of myself). Finding girls that are interested in me isn’t an issue, it’s the social ques that’s the issue. How do i tell that a girl is actually wanting to have sex?

For example: One time i was at a house party. A girl i was talking to said “Hey, let’s go up stairs i wanna show you something” Obviously meaning sex (She also confirmed that she wanted sex when i texted her the next morning)

To which i replied: “No, i’d rather stay down here. Heat rises and it might be too hot up there. Plus i wanna finish the movie!”

There are plenty of other times in which the exact same thing happen, to which i found myself hating myself a few hours after.

You might say “Well, why not just not do the things you were doing!” But that’s the thing… I don’t realize i am doing it, it just happens.

Any advice?

OUR ADVICE

Alright, well, you’re not wrong: heat DOES rise, and the movie you were watching might have been pretty good (and maybe not readily available on any streaming platforms you subscribe to). So I’m not disagreeing with you there – you make for a compelling case.

However, it sounds like:

a) everyone’s calling you hot all the time

b) women are constantly inviting you to bedrooms

c) you do want to have sex

So the simplest solution to ALL of your issues is to start going to parties where the bedroom is on the ground floor or in the basement. That way, you won’t have to concern yourself with rising heat that would otherwise make you think twice before following any women into the bedroom. And as for the movie you want to finish – if it’s a DVD, you can ask the host to borrow it afterwards to see what you missed; if it’s on streaming, you can do a quick free trial of that service just to finish the film; and if it’s on TV, ask your friends to DVR the rest of it so you can watch it later.

One thing that should be mentioned: not every person who invites you into a bedroom is necessarily looking for sex, so don’t assume that’s always going to be the case. It’s a very strong signal, but definitely not a guarantee. Maybe they just want to spend some time with you in a slightly warmer room and not watch the rest of Olympus Has Fallen.


Reminder – if YOU see someone on the internet in need of relationship advice, send an email to general@collegehumor.com with the subject “LOVE ADVICE.”






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