Homepage / Fake News / The Galactic Empire Could Benefit From Some Cultural Sensitivity Training
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Fake News

The Galactic Empire Could Benefit From Some Cultural Sensitivity Training

I’ve been working for the Galactic Empire for about three months now. I’m up in corporate on their Death Star II. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a rewarding and soul-numbing experience heading PR for their new green initiative to reduce the carbon footprint of their second planet-shattering war machine.

But as the only Ewok, working in a solely human-occupied workplace, I think it’s time I shared my thoughts with my human superiors. And just to clarify I don’t say “human superiors” to imply my inferiority as a non-human. I mean my workplace superiors who all happen to be human. Incidentally, my concerns pertain to the multitude of challenges I’ve faced being the only non-human working for the Galactic Empire and what I think is an urgent need for some workplace cultural sensitivity training.

Where do I even begin?

Well yesterday, Grand Moff Tarkin said to me “Hey Kelly, do you mind helping Stormtrooper FN-8732 with the Chewbacca interrogation? He’s not very fluent in Wookiee?” Ugh. First of all, my name’s Karen. Secondly, I’m an Ewok, you idiot. Not a Wookiee. Do all intelligent, bipedal, brown, hairy, non-humans look the same to you?

And I honestly I’ve lost count of the number of times a Stormtrooper has walked passed me and then promptly pulled the emergency alarm, thinking I was an escaped prisoner. I mean, show some gosh-darn respect. I have a master’s degree from Hoth Tech.

Let’s not forget two months ago, at the Emperor’s black toga party. I inadvertently walked into a group conversation where Vader was in the middle of what sounded like an extremely offensive Ewok joke. Something about us being gold-worshipping furry leprechauns. When he noticed me, he awkwardly tried to spin it into a joke about the Sand People. I obviously couldn’t see his expression behind that black mechanical sleep apnea mask of his, but I could tell he was embarrassed. I know because immediately after, he said he had to leave since his “carpel tunnel was acting up,” despite him not even having real wrists. Come on Darth, you’re like 40% human and 60% dehumidifier, you’re the last person to be propagating Humancentric ideologies. If anything, you should be fighting for narrowing the droid wage gap.

I can just feel the hostility from some of the more seasoned human officers. Ya, I get that you fought a bunch of Ewoks during the Battle of Endor and I thank you for your service, but just because I look like those other Ewoks doesn’t mean I am those other Ewoks. Stare less please. Needless to say, it’s pretty obvious which side of the “who shot first? Han or Greedo” debate most of my peers are on.

I really do think that our office and in fact the Galactic Empire as a whole planet-incinerating institution could benefit from some cultural sensitivity training. Just to cover the basics on what and what not to say to non-humans, whether it be their co-worker, boss, or Sith apprentice.

Is it better to be feared or loved? I say, why not both? Feared for our zero-emissions laser cannon, capable of overthrowing planetary democracies, but loved for our inclusive and respectful comportment in the workplace and during planetary raids.

Also, would it kill us to diversify our workforce a bit more? Tone down all this Human superiority stuff. Remember the old Jedi Order? I get that we don’t really like them, but they had the right idea. Gosh, you should have seen the diversity on the front page of those old Jedi Academy brochures. There were more Jedi holding lightsabers with claws and tendrils than with five-fingered hands. Just a thought.



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