Homepage / Fake News / The Future of Offices: Dirt Floors with No Furniture
Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get?

Fake News

The Future of Offices: Dirt Floors with No Furniture

Greetings, my name is Otto von Legroom, and I am the world’s most famous office floor plan designer. The cubicle? That was me. The open office? That was me too. I’ve been doing this job so long I still remember when employees had dignity. I had just left prison design school, and I was anxious to make a name for myself. I was waiting for an interview in the lobby of a prestigious architecture firm when it hit me: these people have way too much personal space. I left the interview and started designing.

The next week I had a prototype for the cubicle.

Managers loved them, but after several million angry letters, I knew I could improve on my design. Perhaps if I read the letters, I would have done a better job on my next project: the open office. My takeaway from people’s hatred of cubes wasn’t that they felt dehumanized or trapped, it was that people felt they had way too much privacy. I fantasized about a world where everyone would notice if someone got up to use the bathroom. I decided my next design would tear down the walls and open up offices for collaboration. Everyone knows that to get things done, you must collaborate with everyone at all times without any breaks for actual work. Still, the complaints kept coming.

With this in mind, I’m excited to share my latest innovation in office design: a crowded dirt floor with no furniture.

The S.H.E.D. System

It’s all part of a design system I call “Symbiotic Habitation via Environmental Design,” or SHED. It’s also called SHED because it’s basically just a shed, like the kind you’d buy at Home Depot (although we like to call them “innovation pods”). Each 8′ x 4′ “pod” comes with plastic walls, a plastic roof, and literally nothing else. Best of all, each SHED can fit roughly 10 adults, or 22 interns.

The SHED system is a perfect response to how people work today. We noticed many workers prefer standing desks, so we got rid of chairs completely. It was around this time we realized workers couldn’t complain about being “chained to their desks” if the office didn’t have desks, so we got rid of those too. Another common criticism of the open office is that there are too many distractions. To fix this, we stripped each SHED of all decorations and windows.

If that wasn’t enough, we also made it so the innovation pods can’t be opened from the inside. This way, there’s no reason workers can’t focus on the task at hand. Simply drop employees off, lock the door, then check up every few weeks to deliver water and hardtack. Every innovation pod comes with a special door that’s large enough for passing files, but small enough that the employees can’t escape. Employees go in, work (and only work) comes out. It’s that simple.

Key Innovations

To address the open office’s problem with privacy, we encourage management to ban any and all talking. Now, you might say that this makes collaboration a challenge, but it’s not a problem. Simply force your employees to download roughly 18 different messenger apps, productivity trackers, and ticketing systems to communicate and keep track of their work. That way, everything your workers say or think is on file for management’s perusal. That’s what I call privacy!

Speaking of management, the SHED design keeps bosses in mind every step of the way. Whether your company uses a traditional hierarchy, or a flat hierarchy where every employee is on the same level (but the CEO and his buddies make all the decisions anyway), the SHED system is for you. By cramming workers into tiny plastic boxes, there’s more room for executive offices, racquetball courts, and expansive conference rooms that get used once a month.

Thinking Inside the Box

The SHED system is the result of tons of hard work. Like all of my projects, I started with research. Our research shows that workers are the happiest and most productive when they have privacy, freedom, and personal space. Unfortunately, the research also shows that such an office would be really expensive. Most importantly, it wasn’t what CEOs wanted to hear. Knowing this, we threw out the research and designed the absolute cheapest floor plan we could imagine. Then we hired a crack team of marketers and PR experts to make the SHED system seem hip and fresh.

Early on, I was inspired by the natural teamwork displayed by wild packs of wolves. Specifically, I was inspired by the pack of wolves that attacked the inhabitants of an early innovation pod prototype in my backyard. I’ll be damned if those wolves didn’t kill every last worker! The wolves didn’t need fancy tables and chairs to work together, so why should humans?

The Way You’ll Work Tomorrow

If you read the headlines, you might think that automation is coming for everyone’s jobs, but people are here to stay. The trick to adapting to this new age of work isn’t teaching machines to think like humans, it’s teaching humans to think like machines. In the end, it turns out the real secret to productivity isn’t passion, it’s grey plastic, no windows, and a constant state of fear.

Stay tuned for my new, innovative approach to airplane cabins!

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.