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Fake News

The Fictional Diary Entry of a MAGA Teen

Sup Diary,

People should be giving me props for being civic minded and shit. I was out in D.C. Making America Great Again. How many 17 year-olds can say the same thing? I mean, this was a three day weekend. You don’t think I had other stuff going on? I could have been kicking back with a couple cans of Rockstar, a bag of Funyuns, and some Fortnite—but no. Yours truly chose to freeze his ass off at the nation’s capital while being harassed by some old dude with a drum.

Did I mention my mom only gave me a hundred bucks in spending cash? Seriously. Don’t get me wrong, a C-note will do some damage in Park Hills but I was in the city. She might as well have handed me Monopoly money. I was like “mom, this is unfair” and she told me that was all she had on her. That’s just bad planning. Whatever, I had my credit card so it worked out.

Oh, and we didn’t fly first class. The fellas and I didn’t get abortions so I’m not sure why we were being punished. And the hotel was garbage. Who takes a group of teenagers on a weekend excursion and puts them up in hotel that stops room service at 9 PM? We had to use Uber Eats and the delivery driver didn’t speak English. FML!

I’ll admit to being in a bad mood. I got up super early—9 AM—just to find out the continental breakfast didn’t include mini muffins. Thankfully we dropped by a Starbucks. It’s hard to stay mad when you’re sipping on a Java Chip Frappuccino© with extra java chips and mowing down some petite vanilla bean scones.

The rally was lame. If I’m being honest I only went to crush on some hotties. I scored some digits and did some low key sexting with this blonde chick from Phoenix. I almost got this one girl to fondle my balls. I was this close but she changed her mind. There were thousands of people around and no one would have noticed but she chickened out, said something about her faith. No worries, I told the guys we hooked up.

Anyway, me, Q-Ball, Deez and the rest of the crew were chilling outside the Statue of Liberty waiting for our ride when these dudes start talking shit. These bros didn’t know who they were messing with. WE’RE THE COLONELS. We stand and we never fall. We gave them some of our heat and had those clowns on the run when this rando wanders into our group. At first, I think he digs our flow and is laying down a fresh beat. Me and the guys we start doing the club scene right there on the steps but the more I listen, the more I think this fool wants a piece of us. Well, I’ve been taking Taekwondo since I was seven and am a legit bad ass. I get up in this guy’s grill because no one disrespects a C-O-L-O-N-E-L.

Well, you know what happened. The fake news media says I was being disrespectful. Mom and dad freaked out and hired a security detail because I’ve been getting threats. I’m a fourth-degree black belt, so please, come at me. Still, one of the security guys is pretty chill. He let me hold his AR-15. I got some sweet selfies with me in my MAGA hat.

I’m kind of a big deal back home. My phone is blowin’ up with ladies wanting a piece of me. I did the Today Show and Tucker wants me in studio. Hell, I might even get to meet the Prez! I got to say, this experience has taught me a lot. People are always telling me to “be myself.” I finally understand what that means. I don’t have to change to get everything I’ve ever wanted. Better watch out, ‘cause I’m ‘bout to Tomahawk chop this life!


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