Homepage / Fake News / The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped
The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft

Fake News

The Family Dog Would Like Some Firm Rules on What Can & Cannot Be Humped


Hello, best friend, life-giving, core-of-my-existence human. I hope you are well. I am doing great. I almost caught a squirrel. I remembered not to eat the grass near where I defecate as it makes me sick. The cat did not pin me down and then sit on top of me triumphantly licking its own anus. I am far too bereft of intelligence to truly understand anything that is going on around me nor do I comprehend that one day I will die and then you will say you will never get another dog and then three weeks later you will adopt a puppy and forget all about me.

It has been a good day. But, that is not why I want to talk to you.

I wanted to talk to you about my sexuality. Now, when I was but an innocent puppy, you decided not to cut off my testicles. That was tremendously kind of you, I really do appreciate it. The other dogs get jealous, other humans at the park point at my impressive “low hanging fruit,” the female dogs in the neighborhood go crazy at the sight of me. It’s awesome.

Unfortunately, as you know, I want to rub my penis on everything in sight. I’m like 85% of men in show business. I’m a monster. Comedy clubs in New York keep offering me sets. It’s a real problem. I am a dog. I cannot do stand up. I am getting sidetracked, but I guess that is common with dogs.

My point is I am very horny.

Now, we all know that you get very angry when I hump most things. I have noticed, however, that I do not get yelled at when I hump certain things. When I hump your leg or a lamp, you yell at me. That I understand. Boundaries are good. Your leg and lamp are off limits. Plus, the lamp is too skinny to get any purchase on anyways.

The time I pinned down your toddler nephew and humped him. That got me kicked. I understand completely. You explained paedophilia to me. He’s 3. I’m also 3, just multiplied by 7. It’s just not meant to be. I’m sorry I made him cry and also that you had to wash his shirt after that incident. So, it seems the first rule is not to hump things that belong to you. The leg belongs to you. The lamp also belongs to you. The child belongs to you I think, though I am not entirely sure how children work.

Howeve—that fucking squirrel is back! I see you bitch! Get the fuck off my fucking lawn! I will rip out your internal organs and hump your lifeless corpse you worthless sack of shit! That’s right, you better run.

Sorry. You know me. Got to protect you and the house. Anyway—

There are certain things where the line just is not as clear. When I hump your girlfriend’s leg for instance. You laugh at first but then you tell me to get off. Is it funny and okay? Or do you want me not to do it? You need to be clearer. Also, you’re allowed to hump her. Why can’t I? I thought we were bros. Does she fall under the first rule of things that belong to you? That’s a slightly outdated viewpoint you have there. She’s her own person. I should be able to hump her if she consents. Or is it like your nephew, in that humping humans makes them uncomfortable? Should another rule don’t hump humans?

Also, there’s my favorite toy. You call him Mr. Camel. I call him Mr. Humps. Every time I hump him you say it’s cute because you think it means I love him (it is purely physical, grow up). But, when I finish on Mr. Humps, you yell at me and take him away for a while. He comes back all clean, but it feels like a punishment. What am I supposed to do? Not finish? I’ll get blue balls. I suppose if it is what you really want though, I’ll do it for you.

So, we agree, I can hump things that belong to me, I just have to prevent myself from finishing on them? Weird rule, especially coming from you. I see what you do to that sock under your mattress. But, if that’s the next rule, I guess I can live with it.

Lastly there is your single aunt, Laurel. You told me to get off when I humped her before dinner. But then later, when it was just me and Laurel, I did my thing again. I made my moves. I wooed her. I humped the shit out of her shin. No one told me to get off. Laurel just said it was nice to feel needed. So, is your aunt’s shin off limits or not? Are humans a no-go for this dog’s bone or not? Should we add a subsection to the “no humans” rule that if they are also into it I can hump them?

You gotta set some firm rules, man. To help us both. I don’t want to hump what you don’t want me to, because I respect you, but a dog needs something to rub his genitals against, or he’ll go crazy.

List submissions are now accepted. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish