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Fake News

The Drone Report: New NRA Battle Plans Revealed

Special ‘spy drone’ used to uncover latest NRA battle plans.

Prelude: Freed Industrial, a sub-section of the vast Rfreed communications network, has just developed a special ‘spy drone’ capable of infiltrating anywhere and everywhere and recording visual and audio data for our columns. Here is one of the fruits of its talents — an eavesdropping on a special, top secret meeting of the upper echelon of the National Rifle Association and its handlers, revealing the latest NRA battle plans.

NRA Battle Plans Revealed
Shady NRA battle plans revealed.

Ten black hooded, robed figures stare haughtily down from a semi-circular judicial type of high seating area upon a table of suited men from the organization known as the NRA. The NRA boys don’t seem too happy.

An ominous voice breaks through the thick silence that has engulfed the room. “We are not pleased with the developments of late.”

Wayne LaPierre, as the CEO and main voice of the NRA, is forced to speak. Although shit-pants scared, he uses his steel resolve to say his defense. “The public seems to be reacting differently to this new Florida shooting. Not so much discussion; more action. They do not seem as insensitized to the violence as we like them to be.”

“Well, that is not a good thing, is it LaPierre? I thought you were keeping these sort of things under control. It now looks like the fear, the fatigue, the hopelessness we had instilled in the American public is no longer working.” boomed the voice from the shadows of the hood covering him.

The voice chilled Wayne to his marrow, but he shouldered on. “Oh Overlords — it looks like a new dimension has entered the picture. The students themselves, the ones getting shot, are taking the reins now. Our propaganda control does not seem to be having the desired effect on them.”

The voice from a face he could not see turned caustic. “And why is it not working? Are you not doing what we pay you so very amply for? Have you lost the perspective of what is at stake here? Our wealth that is greater than most industries, our power not only over the populace but over our governments, our status as ‘True Americans’ that we must constantly prop up, our image as strong and righteous? If we were to lose any of these cornerstones our business would suffer!”

LaPierre swallowed hard. This was it. He had to convince them now or that would be the end of him and his cool 5 million a year. “Don’t worry, Great Ones, they are not of voting age. They are just teenagers, they have no say in anything. They cannot even buy a gun at that age.” A mild chuckle went through the hooded ones at this comment. He thought it might save him.

“These young are persistent, angry and resourceful. They are filled with purpose. You know how powerful and crafty we are when we are the same, don’t you, Mr. LaPierre?”

“Yes, my Lords.” Wayne didn’t expect this. The gun manufacturers were becoming wiser to the game. Any wiser and they wouldn’t need him or the NRA anymore.

“So what are you going to do about it?” another asked.

“Um, well, we have a number of NRA battle plans that we are enacting to bring the public back into the fold, including these busybody kids. Here is a list of them, your Lordships.”

“We put the blame for the school shootings back on the schools themselves. Start a big add campaign to arm teachers so they can be the ‘Good Guys’ and shoot the killer down. That we we don’t take the heat also we can make billions arming teachers. It is a win-win situation for us!”

“Second, blame the school shooter incidents on a lack of mental health facilitators and clinics in the U.S. Let the governments pay for the problem. Then the situation is on the governments back and they have to pay for it. We don’t lose a cent and we get to keep on making our billions with the guns sales because the public thinks that the situation is now taken care of.”

“Both of these efforts are also win-win for us. They drain money from the government and take up their time thus weakening them and making it easier for us to bully them into agreeing to our wishes.”

“Pushing for armed guards in schools would also put a pacifier in a lot of peoples mouths at no expense to us. Needless to say, we profit from their guns and the local municipalities pick up the tab.”

The hooded ones were silent as they mulled these things over. Finally, the dark Leader said in a satisfied voice “Very good, Mr. LaPierre! You are indeed earning the money we pay you under the table.”

There fell again a silence, then out of the quiet was stated “Just be sure you keep up on these things. Remember that we too have our snipers and they are very good. Very good indeed. They wouldn’t even let you know what hit you!”

You could feel him smiling from the darkness of his hood.

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Roger Freed
rfreed has a fertile, if somewhat warped, imagination. Read him at your own risk! More laugh gaffes available at Semi-Humorous Humor.
Roger Freed

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