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Fake News

The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy

In some ways, I see why some people argue that God is a man. There is no way this whole birth process would work the way it does if a woman were mapping it out, no matter how many snakes tried to interject with their forked-up tongues. There are some things that happen in pregnancy and birth that are legit unnecessary and frankly a bummer.

Here are some suggested improvements on birth placed in the suggestion box of mankind.

Can we make the sensations for pushing a baby out and pooing a little different? I mean it’s no wonder so many babies are born on toilets (according to TV, at least). It’s like someone shrugged and said, “I dunno, it’s all in that general area just let them figure it out themselves.”

How about a safe word? Like once we are 13 months pregnant, if we say “possum,” we can get labor started, no questions asked? I’ve heard about these “natural” labor jump-starters, but we all know those are just placebos to give women something to do while they wait.

What about some sort of shield that engages over the anus to stop unsightly accidents? Better yet, what if we make this whole birth thing easier by creating a zipper on the lower side of our belly. I’m thinking like that Puppy Surprise toy, except a zipper instead of Velcro, since Velcro isn’t going to last long. It’ll get stretched out and then things are just going to fall out. But if the zipper isn’t an option, then I’ll settle for the ass-shield idea.

Once our water breaks, can it just all come out at once? Do we really have to slosh around with puddles under us for hours? What kind of juvenile trick is this?

Can we keep the good hair? During pregnancy, our hair gets so full and shiny, only to snap back 3 to 6 months later. What up with that? It’s kind of a good perk and letting us keep it would show some good faith on your part. Yes, we get a baby, I know. But how great would it be for us to get good hair and a baby?

A psychic, telepathic connection to communicate with the father during labor. This is kind of necessary. It could be used for to make the father stop talking, or to inform them to stop rubbing the same one-inch square of our backs during contractions because it’s not helping at all and it’s annoying, or to share the feelings of birth. How great would it be to share the pain—I mean magic—with our partners?

This might be getting nitpicky, but can we reroute some plumbing so so pregnant women don’t have to pee all the time? I hate having to cut in front of potty training toddlers to go to the bathroom. I have enough shame that I don’t love that I point and laugh everytime they pee their pants.

Let’s just do away with this whole morning sickness thing. We all talked and we hate it.

Can we do some work on the hormones? There’s got to be a way to reign them in so the mood swings aren’t so drastic. I just don’t want to admit that anything I did was due to hormones, but it was hard to come up with any other reason why I bawled for an hour because my husband ate the last piece of pizza.

If you are going to make our feet swollen and disfigured, can we just go full hobbit? They get to eat seven meals a day, they can hide in the shire, and they have magical rings. We’re already basically there since we eat seven meals a day during pregnancy. So let’s go all the way with this.

Is there any way to make the heartburn shoot actual flames out of our mouths? That would be a nice party trick. And it would be something to do at parties since we can’t drink.

Can we get a button on the wrist or something that allows us to sleep? It would help to be able to get some rest before the adorable cry baby comes into the world. You could put a timer on it, so it doesn’t get abused. Maybe we can only use it every third night?

You don’t have anything to do with the underwear selection at the hospital after the birth, do you? I feel like those could get jazzed up. Maybe a nice, neon orange option?

Lest I sound ungrateful, I do approve of one thing: the cravings. That wasn’t so bad. I liked being able to send people out to get food that I “had” to have. It’s one of the only things I miss. I sort of want a Snickers bars right now but I can’t even get anyone to go grab me one. But if I were pregnant, I wouldn’t even have to say it above a whisper before bam— there would magically be a Snickers bar.

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. And look, maybe these things I’m complaining about are meant to teach us how to deal with adversity. But mostly I think you probably just forgot to ask for my input.

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