Homepage / Fake News / The Alphabet, Ranked | Points in Case
Tips For The Perfect Picnic I Know, I Look Exactly Like Bradley Cooper Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency

Fake News

The Alphabet, Ranked | Points in Case

1. F

Hands down the most badass letter. The word “fuck” has a lot to do with it, but it’s also the toughest grade you can receive in school, making it visceral and rebellious. It’s fun and flirtatious. It’s funky. It’s fabulous. It’s fresh. It’s all the Freddies: Mercury, Douglass, Krueger, and Savage. It’s Frodo. It’ll also turn around and throw a fistful of feces at your fucking face. Sometimes I fear F. Perhaps that’s what leads it to first place.

2. R

So much fun to draw, and to say. When Latin Americans roll their R’s I’m simultaneously enamored and intimidated. It’s Rock and Roll. It’s revolutionary. It’s my first initial. It’s right for all occasions.

3. J

The coolest letter. It’s jazzy, jock-y, and the only letter that’s also a name. It’s gorgeous in script, which needs to be passed along to the designers at Jimmy John’s and Jamba Juice immediately.

4. M

Comforting. Probably because of “mother,” “mmmm,” and “M&M’s.” The rapper Eminem did this letter a favor by using an E, as their brands share little. MAGA hats dealt this letter a serious blow, but I’m willing to look past that because of the Macarena and Monopoly (the game).

5. C

Clean, classic, consistent, my second initial. These are all characteristics that landed C in the top 5. Like Cartier and caviar and Captain America, C is a champion whose characteristics we should all covet.

6. X

Almost as badass as F, but more serious. Works security for the other letters.

7. O

Oh man. The best vowel by far. Gets points for audibility as it’s great to use out loud. It’s also fun to experiment with, as there’s a big difference between “o,” “ooo,” and “OOoooOoooO.” It’s orgasms and orangutans and Oreo cookies. The “Baltimore Orioles” are the worst team in baseball, but “Dem O’s” are iconic no matter what their record says.

8. D

D is dopey and sometimes drunk and definitely a dick, but I’ll be dammed if we all don’t love it.

9. Z

J’s best friend. It dresses better than any letter, but it’s also a smidge too cocky. I like its zing and its zeal though so we are keeping it in the top 10.

10. U

Used by moms in texts across the world. And candy hearts. And Prince. Were it not for Prince this letter wouldn’t even crack the top 20. I love my mom. I love Prince. I would die 4 U.

11. H

Everyone desperately wants to be happy, and that put a lot of pressure on this resilient letter. I like the mystery here though, as I still don’t know whether words starting with H are preceded by “a” or “an” and I’m ok with that. I like that it’s both hubris and humility, too.

12. B

The chubbier, more benevolent version of F. It’s ballsy and brave and brazen, but most importantly it’s your buddy.

13. L

“Catching L’s” has caught on, but it’s trending downwards. If it weren’t for love, I’d probably drop L to 25.

14. E

Ergonomic. Probably wears a tie. Egregiously. Symmetrical to its detriment. Excellent? Sure. Exhausting too.

15. P

Almost as fun to draw as R. Ironically lacks personality. Just look at Pence. Critics will be quick to bring up puppies, to which my rebuttal is to also just look at Pence.

16. Y

Gets a disloyal rap thanks to its vowel status. Redeemed by The Village People.

17. Q

Q does its own thing. No one really hangs out with it, but they all respect it.

18. S

Had its day in the sun with that crooked letter Mississippi song. But enough already. She sells sea shells? Save yourself the trouble and shy away from this one.

19. N

The negative and strict neighbor of M.

20. T

This one fell out of the top ten for the first time in its history for obvious reasons. Its design is so rigid it wouldn’t even let loose at a wedding. It may be tacos and Trader Joe’s and trivia, but it’s also… you know… Keep your eye on this one. It’s in for a tumultuous next few years.

21. W

I don’t usually listen to whispers, but this letter parties a little too hard if you ask me.

22. K

Special? Not so fast, Kiddo. Kinky and keen are fun to draw, and kaleidoscope is fun to say, but the Klan stained it forever. Rough year for the Kevins too: Spacey and Hart did it no favors. Kaepernick and Kate Middleton helped, but again, the Klan.

23. G

Of all the letters, why does this one’s lowercase version look nothing like its upper case? It can be grand and gorgeous, but also grim and ghastly. Don’t even get me started on God.

24. V

Almost as untrustworthy as the Russians who love to use it. It’s just so very vapid, as all insufferable men share an obsession with vaginas and V for Vendetta. Van Halen had a good run, but who do we have now? Van Wilder? Van Gundy? Oy vey.

25. I

The most selfish letter. No wonder it’s also the least fun to draw. If I read one more idiot start their Medium article with I, this iMac’s going out the window.

26. A

The worst letter. Schools conditioned us to believe it’s the leader, but it’s an awful and agonizing artifice. It’s an asshole. A reminds the teacher there’s homework. It asks you to pay it back for the $5 beer it bought you last week. It brags about promotions on social media. It owns a Peloton bike. It’s always accurate. It thinks it’s all that. No matter what any teacher—or the alphabet itself—suggests about A, nothing will help it climb this list. Type A? Type go fuck yourself.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.