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Fake News

The Alphabet, Ranked | Points in Case


1. F

Hands down the most badass letter. The word “fuck” has a lot to do with it, but it’s also the toughest grade you can receive in school, making it visceral and rebellious. It’s fun and flirtatious. It’s funky. It’s fabulous. It’s fresh. It’s all the Freddies: Mercury, Douglass, Krueger, and Savage. It’s Frodo. It’ll also turn around and throw a fistful of feces at your fucking face. Sometimes I fear F. Perhaps that’s what leads it to first place.

2. R

So much fun to draw, and to say. When Latin Americans roll their R’s I’m simultaneously enamored and intimidated. It’s Rock and Roll. It’s revolutionary. It’s my first initial. It’s right for all occasions.

3. J

The coolest letter. It’s jazzy, jock-y, and the only letter that’s also a name. It’s gorgeous in script, which needs to be passed along to the designers at Jimmy John’s and Jamba Juice immediately.

4. M

Comforting. Probably because of “mother,” “mmmm,” and “M&M’s.” The rapper Eminem did this letter a favor by using an E, as their brands share little. MAGA hats dealt this letter a serious blow, but I’m willing to look past that because of the Macarena and Monopoly (the game).

5. C

Clean, classic, consistent, my second initial. These are all characteristics that landed C in the top 5. Like Cartier and caviar and Captain America, C is a champion whose characteristics we should all covet.

6. X

Almost as badass as F, but more serious. Works security for the other letters.

7. O

Oh man. The best vowel by far. Gets points for audibility as it’s great to use out loud. It’s also fun to experiment with, as there’s a big difference between “o,” “ooo,” and “OOoooOoooO.” It’s orgasms and orangutans and Oreo cookies. The “Baltimore Orioles” are the worst team in baseball, but “Dem O’s” are iconic no matter what their record says.

8. D

D is dopey and sometimes drunk and definitely a dick, but I’ll be dammed if we all don’t love it.

9. Z

J’s best friend. It dresses better than any letter, but it’s also a smidge too cocky. I like its zing and its zeal though so we are keeping it in the top 10.

10. U

Used by moms in texts across the world. And candy hearts. And Prince. Were it not for Prince this letter wouldn’t even crack the top 20. I love my mom. I love Prince. I would die 4 U.

11. H

Everyone desperately wants to be happy, and that put a lot of pressure on this resilient letter. I like the mystery here though, as I still don’t know whether words starting with H are preceded by “a” or “an” and I’m ok with that. I like that it’s both hubris and humility, too.

12. B

The chubbier, more benevolent version of F. It’s ballsy and brave and brazen, but most importantly it’s your buddy.

13. L

“Catching L’s” has caught on, but it’s trending downwards. If it weren’t for love, I’d probably drop L to 25.

14. E

Ergonomic. Probably wears a tie. Egregiously. Symmetrical to its detriment. Excellent? Sure. Exhausting too.

15. P

Almost as fun to draw as R. Ironically lacks personality. Just look at Pence. Critics will be quick to bring up puppies, to which my rebuttal is to also just look at Pence.

16. Y

Gets a disloyal rap thanks to its vowel status. Redeemed by The Village People.

17. Q

Q does its own thing. No one really hangs out with it, but they all respect it.

18. S

Had its day in the sun with that crooked letter Mississippi song. But enough already. She sells sea shells? Save yourself the trouble and shy away from this one.

19. N

The negative and strict neighbor of M.

20. T

This one fell out of the top ten for the first time in its history for obvious reasons. Its design is so rigid it wouldn’t even let loose at a wedding. It may be tacos and Trader Joe’s and trivia, but it’s also… you know… Keep your eye on this one. It’s in for a tumultuous next few years.

21. W

I don’t usually listen to whispers, but this letter parties a little too hard if you ask me.

22. K

Special? Not so fast, Kiddo. Kinky and keen are fun to draw, and kaleidoscope is fun to say, but the Klan stained it forever. Rough year for the Kevins too: Spacey and Hart did it no favors. Kaepernick and Kate Middleton helped, but again, the Klan.

23. G

Of all the letters, why does this one’s lowercase version look nothing like its upper case? It can be grand and gorgeous, but also grim and ghastly. Don’t even get me started on God.

24. V

Almost as untrustworthy as the Russians who love to use it. It’s just so very vapid, as all insufferable men share an obsession with vaginas and V for Vendetta. Van Halen had a good run, but who do we have now? Van Wilder? Van Gundy? Oy vey.

25. I

The most selfish letter. No wonder it’s also the least fun to draw. If I read one more idiot start their Medium article with I, this iMac’s going out the window.

26. A

The worst letter. Schools conditioned us to believe it’s the leader, but it’s an awful and agonizing artifice. It’s an asshole. A reminds the teacher there’s homework. It asks you to pay it back for the $5 beer it bought you last week. It brags about promotions on social media. It owns a Peloton bike. It’s always accurate. It thinks it’s all that. No matter what any teacher—or the alphabet itself—suggests about A, nothing will help it climb this list. Type A? Type go fuck yourself.

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