Homepage / Fake News / The Alphabet, Ranked | Points in Case
Impact Of Global Insect Decline Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela These Penguins Hump Corpses Join The Gentleman’s Club | Points in Case Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019 List: More Fun Facts About the Harry Potter Universe, From JK Rowling Taco Hell Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029 Trump Memes: The Ideas Just Keep Presenting Themselves! U. S. Constitution’s Medical Record The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne and George Conway Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal Archaeology Isn't Sexy Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It A Viking's Peace Major Strasser of the Third Reich Trashes Rick’s Cafe on Yelp Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager ‘Aquaman 2’ Announced The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2019 List: New Tracks Dropped By Kremlin-Approved Rappers Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore Saudis Revoke Ladies’ Right to Drive after Woman Cited for Illegal Turn Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight! When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K! It’s About Time – fancy pants , Humor Times The White House is Looking for a ‘Few Good Cartoonists’

Fake News

The Alphabet, Ranked | Points in Case



1. F

Hands down the most badass letter. The word “fuck” has a lot to do with it, but it’s also the toughest grade you can receive in school, making it visceral and rebellious. It’s fun and flirtatious. It’s funky. It’s fabulous. It’s fresh. It’s all the Freddies: Mercury, Douglass, Krueger, and Savage. It’s Frodo. It’ll also turn around and throw a fistful of feces at your fucking face. Sometimes I fear F. Perhaps that’s what leads it to first place.

2. R

So much fun to draw, and to say. When Latin Americans roll their R’s I’m simultaneously enamored and intimidated. It’s Rock and Roll. It’s revolutionary. It’s my first initial. It’s right for all occasions.

3. J

The coolest letter. It’s jazzy, jock-y, and the only letter that’s also a name. It’s gorgeous in script, which needs to be passed along to the designers at Jimmy John’s and Jamba Juice immediately.

4. M

Comforting. Probably because of “mother,” “mmmm,” and “M&M’s.” The rapper Eminem did this letter a favor by using an E, as their brands share little. MAGA hats dealt this letter a serious blow, but I’m willing to look past that because of the Macarena and Monopoly (the game).

5. C

Clean, classic, consistent, my second initial. These are all characteristics that landed C in the top 5. Like Cartier and caviar and Captain America, C is a champion whose characteristics we should all covet.

6. X

Almost as badass as F, but more serious. Works security for the other letters.

7. O

Oh man. The best vowel by far. Gets points for audibility as it’s great to use out loud. It’s also fun to experiment with, as there’s a big difference between “o,” “ooo,” and “OOoooOoooO.” It’s orgasms and orangutans and Oreo cookies. The “Baltimore Orioles” are the worst team in baseball, but “Dem O’s” are iconic no matter what their record says.

8. D

D is dopey and sometimes drunk and definitely a dick, but I’ll be dammed if we all don’t love it.

9. Z

J’s best friend. It dresses better than any letter, but it’s also a smidge too cocky. I like its zing and its zeal though so we are keeping it in the top 10.

10. U

Used by moms in texts across the world. And candy hearts. And Prince. Were it not for Prince this letter wouldn’t even crack the top 20. I love my mom. I love Prince. I would die 4 U.

11. H

Everyone desperately wants to be happy, and that put a lot of pressure on this resilient letter. I like the mystery here though, as I still don’t know whether words starting with H are preceded by “a” or “an” and I’m ok with that. I like that it’s both hubris and humility, too.

12. B

The chubbier, more benevolent version of F. It’s ballsy and brave and brazen, but most importantly it’s your buddy.

13. L

“Catching L’s” has caught on, but it’s trending downwards. If it weren’t for love, I’d probably drop L to 25.

14. E

Ergonomic. Probably wears a tie. Egregiously. Symmetrical to its detriment. Excellent? Sure. Exhausting too.

15. P

Almost as fun to draw as R. Ironically lacks personality. Just look at Pence. Critics will be quick to bring up puppies, to which my rebuttal is to also just look at Pence.

16. Y

Gets a disloyal rap thanks to its vowel status. Redeemed by The Village People.

17. Q

Q does its own thing. No one really hangs out with it, but they all respect it.

18. S

Had its day in the sun with that crooked letter Mississippi song. But enough already. She sells sea shells? Save yourself the trouble and shy away from this one.

19. N

The negative and strict neighbor of M.

20. T

This one fell out of the top ten for the first time in its history for obvious reasons. Its design is so rigid it wouldn’t even let loose at a wedding. It may be tacos and Trader Joe’s and trivia, but it’s also… you know… Keep your eye on this one. It’s in for a tumultuous next few years.

21. W

I don’t usually listen to whispers, but this letter parties a little too hard if you ask me.

22. K

Special? Not so fast, Kiddo. Kinky and keen are fun to draw, and kaleidoscope is fun to say, but the Klan stained it forever. Rough year for the Kevins too: Spacey and Hart did it no favors. Kaepernick and Kate Middleton helped, but again, the Klan.

23. G

Of all the letters, why does this one’s lowercase version look nothing like its upper case? It can be grand and gorgeous, but also grim and ghastly. Don’t even get me started on God.

24. V

Almost as untrustworthy as the Russians who love to use it. It’s just so very vapid, as all insufferable men share an obsession with vaginas and V for Vendetta. Van Halen had a good run, but who do we have now? Van Wilder? Van Gundy? Oy vey.

25. I

The most selfish letter. No wonder it’s also the least fun to draw. If I read one more idiot start their Medium article with I, this iMac’s going out the window.

26. A

The worst letter. Schools conditioned us to believe it’s the leader, but it’s an awful and agonizing artifice. It’s an asshole. A reminds the teacher there’s homework. It asks you to pay it back for the $5 beer it bought you last week. It brags about promotions on social media. It owns a Peloton bike. It’s always accurate. It thinks it’s all that. No matter what any teacher—or the alphabet itself—suggests about A, nothing will help it climb this list. Type A? Type go fuck yourself.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish