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Fake News

The 8 Types of People You’ll See at a Dive Bar


1. The Social Regulars

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A good dive bar may not be the classiest place in the world, but among its dark interiors and  smudged glasses, it usually manages to find itself a loyal group of regulars. And when I say loyal, I mean LOYAL. They’re so comfortable here that it takes you awhile to realize that they’re not on the job. The bartenders and them are best friends to the point that you can’t tell if they went to the bar to hang out with them or if they just developed a relationship over their shared love of alcohol. In either case, you like these guys. They greet you when you walk in the door, they tell you what’s good to order and…hey, wait a second. Did that guy just serve himself a drink? That can’t be right. 

2. The Silent Regulars

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These guys are also here all the time but you’ve never once heard them talk….like at all. They just sit in their usually spot and have a silent drink or two before bouncing. You find them perplexing. If they’re not coming here for the company then that just leaves the atmosphere, and the atmosphere is not the big draw of this bar. Why didn’t they just stay home and drink alone with the lights off? It would have been the same basic activity for a lot less money.   

3. The Loud Newcomers

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You didn’t realize that this place had a vibe, but that was before these jerks came in and shot the vibe to hell. They play all the wrong music, talk at all the wrong decibels and walk around like they own the place. You have no idea what they’re doing here, but you want them to leave immediately. The only upside to these screeching lunatics is the feeling of hatred you can sense being shared between you and the other patrons. It’s called unity, and it feels nice, even if you have to put up with these assholes to get it.

4. The Ones Who Are Clearly Underaged

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You remember when you were their age, but that doesn’t make them any less annoying. They clearly came to this bar because they couldn’t get into other ones and their very presence makes you uncomfortable. You didn’t think you were that much older than underaged, but if this is what underaged looks like, you were clearly mistaken. You feel weird seeing kids like that with a beer, but you also don’t want to be a narc, so you try to ignore the situation as best you can. It’s the oldest you’ve ever felt. 

5. The Ironic Patrons

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“O-M-G! This place is sooooooo cute!” That’s what it seems like these people are saying with every word they speak. They seem to be operating under the assumption that this is not an actual dive bar, but rather a dive bar themed amusement park ride. You’re glad that they’re having fun but they don’t have to be a dick to do it. This bar is, after all, someone’s livelihood. 

6. The Out of Place Snobs

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They accompanied their friend to this establishment and by the way they’re acting, they were apparently expecting Buckingham Palace. The look in their eye makes it seem like they think that at any moment they might be drenched with a bucket of Nickelodeon slime. They lay down a napkin before they let their ass touch the barstool, and instead of ordering a drink, they take swigs out of the bottle of water they brought with them. You can feel how tense they are from across the room. They look like they could use a drink. It’s just unfortunate that they’re too grossed out by the smudges on the glasses to order one. 

7. The Terrible First Date

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You see them there in the corner and it’s clear that this is not the start of a storybook romance. One is a little overdressed, clearly unaware of what they had gotten themselves into. The other is keeping it casual. It’s clear that this is the closest bar to their apartment and they were just looking for a hook up. It’s a bit of a car crash, but just like a car crash, you can’t look away. The awkward 20 minutes provides a nice little show for you to watch while you sip your drinks. 

8.  The Self Congratulators   

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These people may be used to fancier bars, but they don’t need them. They’re much more salt of the earth people. They’d rather grace us normal people with their presence than pay $18 dollars for a drink. (They totally could, though!) It’s great that they are trying not to be snobs, but….well, they shouldn’t be so proud of themselves for it. The only thing snobbier than paying $18 for a drink is congratulating themselves for not doing so. 

 






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