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Fake News

The 6 Coziest Federal Offenses to Commit From the Warmth of Your Home This Winter

Brrr! It’s chilly this week! And, look, I know what you’re thinking: “It’s gonna be tough to violate a federal statute in this weather.”

Boi, byeee! Haven’t you heard of Economic Espionage, Influencing a Juror by Writing, or Bond Default??? There’s a zilli dope breaches of moral canon you can enact while rocking stretchy pants and doing a yerba mate enema, and, honestly, you should. This winter is all about self-care and mindfulness, and that means jeopardizing your personal freedom from the comfort and warmth of home sweet home.

Seriously, it’s 2018 and we all have vocal fry now. If we’re going to continue executing infringements of the federal penal code (which, duh?), we need to do so with a Tazo in one Camelbak, a pomegranate kombucha in the other, and our toes warming in front of that fireplace from Netflix in 4K.

Uhhh, can you say “crime goals?” I can’t, because I’m under near constant audio surveillance by the Securities & Exchange Commission due to my incessant financial malfeasance, and if I utter a sound of any type or timbre, they will know I’m here and they will take me again.

Here are the six coziest federal offenses to commit from your breakfast nook this winter.

1. Neglect or Refusal to Answer Subpoena

I know, this whole “indoor crimes” thing is like, weird. So we’re going to start small, okay? New year, new methods of imperiling your citizen’s right to vote.

For this one, you literally don’t have to do anything. Since you’re #consuming this #content, I’m assuming you have some warrants outstanding and are a person of interest in several ongoing investigations. Well, next time the feds ask you to come down to the station or seek representation for a taped deposition, just don’t.

Seriously, that’s it. It’s almost so easy it should be illeg—OMG IT IS! YAAAAS!!!

2. Missile Systems Designed to Destroy Aircraft

This is one of my all-time faaaavorite felonies to commit in my PJs.

Here’s what you do:

  1. Pop a baked brie with apricot preserves in the oven (cinnamon sticks on top if you’re feeling adventurous).
  2. Access the dark web via an encrypted Slavic IP address and purchase a series of schematics from a vendor named “godfuck” for the Trishul guided missile system designed by Indian Defense Research & Development.
  3. Erect the launch apparatus in your den while the aroma of sticky, gooey goodness wafts throughout the house.

What a yummy little act of anarchism!

3. Video Voyeurism with Intent to Blackmail

OK, so you know how your friend Clementine always snaps you when you’re not looking and you end up saying “wetback”?

This is just like that, only this time you’re doing it with the hidden recording device you placed in your professor’s office when you went to cry at him for giving you a 92 when a 92 is an A- and a 93 is an A (he literally hates women), and you get to log footage of compromising behavior while your favorite essential oils diffuse in gentle puffs next to your neck pillow.

It’s basically the most therapeutic thing you’ve ever done.

4. Harboring Terrorists

SLEEPOVER!!! Seriously, nothing screams “SNOW DAY!” like inviting over three of your best guerrilla insurgent friends, ordering pizza, and firing up the karaoke machine for a night of giggles and swapped stories of smuggling explosives through the United States postal service (another fun, artsy-crafty felony for those chilly winter days) while Homeland Security throws pebbles at your window.

Have a blast, but get some sleep! Anti-state agitators get, like, so crabby if they don’t get a solid eight.

5. Solicitation to Commit a Crime of Violence

You’re all cooped up in the house, right? And everyone is breathing down each other’s neck, right? Making the wifi slow and being the actual worst, right? Doesn’t it just make you want to kill your fucking mom?

Now you can totally DO it!

Well, not you you, but a traumatized ex-military type who is tragically unable to break the cycle of violence his life has become you. This one is a must-do, and you don’t even have to mute Gilmore Girls to do it. Just pull up Craigslist, find your man (flirt with him on text to get his price down, haaaa), and settle down for a long winter’s nap with the peace of mind that your mom will never again see the light of dawn and you’ll probably get her RAV4.


6. Antitrust Violations

I loooove antitrust violations!!! I seriously, like, binge on driving competing firms out of the market with predatory pricing strategies. Is that weird? Oh my gosh, I’m so weeeeeird! HA.

Basically, antitrust violations are just like gossiping on the phone with your girlfriends about who is a bitch, only your girlfriend is Jeff Bezos and the bitches are businesses with economies of scale disproportionate to Amazon’s.

Here’s my go-to setup for violating Federal Trade Commission policies:

Get a big bottle of white, light some Yankees, and play Taylor while browsing online retailers. Usually by my third glass I’ve figured out who is getting, like, literally so two-faced and arrogant it’s like disgusting, and I text Jeff about if he saw how Costco was looking at washer/dryers on Cyber Monday and who the frick she thinks she is looking at washer/dryers like that on Cyber Monday. She’s literally fucking fat. Like, who needs that much peanut butter???

Once I do that, Jeff re-negotiates with Maytag and Costco gets priced out of the market and basically it’s karma. Like, bitch. Poof.

Seriously, y’all. Stay INSIDE to commit your atrocious acts of lawlessness this winter.

Destruction of an Energy Facility, Willful Wrecking of a Train Resulting in Death, and Crimes on Indian Reservations are the BEST, but they’re all staying on the bucket list until Spring!

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