Homepage / Fake News / The 6 Coziest Federal Offenses to Commit From the Warmth of Your Home This Winter
Devil's Triangle [Full Episode] He Finally Gets 48 – A Textoon Brexit Dilemma Journal Entries Show That Henry Ford Invented the Weekend in Part Because He Loved to Get Wrecked in a Major Way Bush, Loafers Thrown At Him Reunite On NBC For 10-Year Anniversary Special Kirstjen Nielsen Urges Migrant Parents Leave The Weak Ones Behind This Is The Year I’m Finally Going To Burn Your House Down Charlottesville Jury Recommends 419 Years Plus Life For Neo-Nazi Who Killed Protester Petco Employee Stocks Gerbils By The Cash Register For Impulse Purchases Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’ List: Excerpts from the Support Group for Teachers Who Have Eaten Elmer’s Glue Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case On Defunding Planned Parenthood Indoctrinate-TED Parking a Giant Robot is Hard Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks Red Cross Issues Reminder They Can’t Accept Donations From People With Loose Blood Cupped In Hands Most Notorious Criminals In U.S. History I Am Urging You to Urge Others to Push for Climate Change Action NRA Clarifies Mission, Changes Name To National Russia Association Innocuous Thing You Did In Public Prompts Inside Joke That Bonds Group Of Teens For Life The Origins Of Popular Christmas Songs Long Lost “A Christmas Carol” Remake Starring Worst Actors Ever Discovered in Storage Facility Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues” Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad New Smithsonian Exhibit Honors Thousands Of Pets Who Joined Workforce After Owners Left To Fight In World War II CNN Opens Up 24-Hour Anonymous Tip Line For Anyone With Synonyms For ‘Mueller Closing In’ Trump Ex-Lawyer Michael Cohen Given 36 Months In Prison Nation Finally Ready To Look At More Sidewalk Drawings That Look Like Big Holes But Are Actually Just Flat My Boyfriend Wants To Go On a "Gaycation" (Love Advice) Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Rescinds Nomination After Discovering The Cure Was Voted In As Cruel Prank By Popular Kids Warhammer & The Weasleys Donald Trump’s Criterion Top 10 Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December Theresa May Delays Vote On Brexit Deal System For Telling Clean Clothes From Dirty Falls Apart By Second Day Of Trip Ayatollah Upset Notre Dame Made NCAA Playoff Instead of UCF Jackets to Buy This Winter Instead of Having a Personality “Lawyers, Guns and Money” Playing Repeatedly In West Wing At High Volume U.S. Coal Consumption Drops To Lowest Level In 40 Years ‘Oh, Was I Not Enough For You?’ Amazon Echo Asks Couple Bringing New Baby Home Delta Plane Jettisons Dozens Of Comfort Animals Midflight Following Policy Changes Orrin Hatch Delivers Farewell Address From Coffin Descending Into Plot Dug In Middle Of Senate Floor Pros And Cons Of Seeking Out Uncontacted Peoples Time Awards Person Of The Year To Targeted Journalists Including Jamal Khashoggi Machiavelli’s Job Application Campbell’s Unveils New Tomato Soup Humidifier The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley Michael Cohen Granted Prison Work Release For New Job With Trump 2020 Campaign Eve of Impeachment: A Song Parody Michael Cohen Completes First Stage Of Intricate Plan To Break Incarcerated Brother Out Of Prison From Inside French President Sarkozy Took Million From Gaddafi, Does a Contribution to Obama Explain Benghazi My Girlfriend Has a Dildo From Her Ex-Boyfriend (Love Advice) New York Family Man Latest Victim Of Nation’s Misguided War On Tax Evasion, Perjury, Campaign Finance Violations Bicoastal Time Zone Lesson‬ The Joy of Painting Advanced Weapons Systems Thousands Of Drunk Revelers Dressed As Jesus Descend On Vatican For Annual ChristCon Pub Crawl Every Person In High-End Singapore Casino Either Carrying Out Or Target Of Assassination Frat Nutritionists Dare Americans To Swallow More Live Goldfish Study Finds Average American Gets Most Physical Exertion Waving Cell Phone Around To Get Signal We Were Young and in Love and it was Nuclear Winter Power Harassment Indifference: Income Inequality for Women Persists 2018 Top 10 Comedic News Stories White House Holiday Decorations Through History Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’ Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Built Jonesing Nation Demands Trump Tell Them Where, Exactly, Drugs Are Pouring Into Country Satanic Statue On Display In Illinois Capitol Building For Holidays Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop How To Spot Red Flags With My Married Dom? (Love Advice) Google Translation for Work-Appropriate Self-Evaluations Local Clan Attempts To Intimidate Rivals With Aggressive Display Of Fertility See Plum Run: Official Music Video Authoritarian Secretary Of Transportation Declares She Has Ultimate Right Of Way In Every Traffic Scenario Bertolli Packaging Promises Empty Ravioli Floating In Filling-Saturated Water In Just 5 Minutes Court Filings Suggest Trump Illegally Directed Hush Money Payments Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 11, 2018 Mosquitos: The Best Support System You Never Knew You Had ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Now Just Hoping George R.R. Martin Dies Soon So Estate Can Release Whatever He’s Already Written Those Sensors That Flush Public Toilets Were Also Cameras This Whole Time John Kelly Resigns In Last-Ditch Effort To Save His And Trump’s Friendship John Kelly Out As Chief Of Staff MLB Hoping To Boost Attendance At League Meetings With ‘Star Wars’ Night 5 Reasons Why the Donner Party was Better Than Your Birthday Party Woman Trying To Wean Self Off Coffee By Switching To Long Island Iced Tea I Tricked My Girlfriend Into Dating Me For a Bet (Love Advice) White House Ficus To Leave For Virginia Arboretum After Declining Trump’s Offer To Be Chief Of Staff A Dirty Cop's Worst Nightmare At Disney, We Live Every Day In Terror That You’ll Turn On Superhero Movies Flakes On A Plain 5G Phones Coming Petting Zoo All Goats 10 Fun Ways to Market a House Without a Garage The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 10, 2018 Nixon’s Waterloo… My American Scandal I Am Not Like All the Rest: Funny Lines from Online Dating Profiles The Trumpanos: A New HBO Series Cap’n Crunch and Tony the Tiger Are Still Fighting About the National Anthem Kneelings and It’s Ruining My Mornings Lame Time Traveler Arrives to Warn Nation Against Electing Trump POTUS Wes Anderson Begins Filming Next Film In France A Funeral Director’s Guide on How Best to Die

Fake News

The 6 Coziest Federal Offenses to Commit From the Warmth of Your Home This Winter



Brrr! It’s chilly this week! And, look, I know what you’re thinking: “It’s gonna be tough to violate a federal statute in this weather.”

Boi, byeee! Haven’t you heard of Economic Espionage, Influencing a Juror by Writing, or Bond Default??? There’s a zilli dope breaches of moral canon you can enact while rocking stretchy pants and doing a yerba mate enema, and, honestly, you should. This winter is all about self-care and mindfulness, and that means jeopardizing your personal freedom from the comfort and warmth of home sweet home.

Seriously, it’s 2018 and we all have vocal fry now. If we’re going to continue executing infringements of the federal penal code (which, duh?), we need to do so with a Tazo in one Camelbak, a pomegranate kombucha in the other, and our toes warming in front of that fireplace from Netflix in 4K.

Uhhh, can you say “crime goals?” I can’t, because I’m under near constant audio surveillance by the Securities & Exchange Commission due to my incessant financial malfeasance, and if I utter a sound of any type or timbre, they will know I’m here and they will take me again.

Here are the six coziest federal offenses to commit from your breakfast nook this winter.

1. Neglect or Refusal to Answer Subpoena

I know, this whole “indoor crimes” thing is like, weird. So we’re going to start small, okay? New year, new methods of imperiling your citizen’s right to vote.

For this one, you literally don’t have to do anything. Since you’re #consuming this #content, I’m assuming you have some warrants outstanding and are a person of interest in several ongoing investigations. Well, next time the feds ask you to come down to the station or seek representation for a taped deposition, just don’t.

Seriously, that’s it. It’s almost so easy it should be illeg—OMG IT IS! YAAAAS!!!

2. Missile Systems Designed to Destroy Aircraft

This is one of my all-time faaaavorite felonies to commit in my PJs.

Here’s what you do:

  1. Pop a baked brie with apricot preserves in the oven (cinnamon sticks on top if you’re feeling adventurous).
  2. Access the dark web via an encrypted Slavic IP address and purchase a series of schematics from a vendor named “godfuck” for the Trishul guided missile system designed by Indian Defense Research & Development.
  3. Erect the launch apparatus in your den while the aroma of sticky, gooey goodness wafts throughout the house.

What a yummy little act of anarchism!

3. Video Voyeurism with Intent to Blackmail

OK, so you know how your friend Clementine always snaps you when you’re not looking and you end up saying “wetback”?

This is just like that, only this time you’re doing it with the hidden recording device you placed in your professor’s office when you went to cry at him for giving you a 92 when a 92 is an A- and a 93 is an A (he literally hates women), and you get to log footage of compromising behavior while your favorite essential oils diffuse in gentle puffs next to your neck pillow.

It’s basically the most therapeutic thing you’ve ever done.

4. Harboring Terrorists

SLEEPOVER!!! Seriously, nothing screams “SNOW DAY!” like inviting over three of your best guerrilla insurgent friends, ordering pizza, and firing up the karaoke machine for a night of giggles and swapped stories of smuggling explosives through the United States postal service (another fun, artsy-crafty felony for those chilly winter days) while Homeland Security throws pebbles at your window.

Have a blast, but get some sleep! Anti-state agitators get, like, so crabby if they don’t get a solid eight.

5. Solicitation to Commit a Crime of Violence

You’re all cooped up in the house, right? And everyone is breathing down each other’s neck, right? Making the wifi slow and being the actual worst, right? Doesn’t it just make you want to kill your fucking mom?

Now you can totally DO it!

Well, not you you, but a traumatized ex-military type who is tragically unable to break the cycle of violence his life has become you. This one is a must-do, and you don’t even have to mute Gilmore Girls to do it. Just pull up Craigslist, find your man (flirt with him on text to get his price down, haaaa), and settle down for a long winter’s nap with the peace of mind that your mom will never again see the light of dawn and you’ll probably get her RAV4.

Adulting!

6. Antitrust Violations

I loooove antitrust violations!!! I seriously, like, binge on driving competing firms out of the market with predatory pricing strategies. Is that weird? Oh my gosh, I’m so weeeeeird! HA.

Basically, antitrust violations are just like gossiping on the phone with your girlfriends about who is a bitch, only your girlfriend is Jeff Bezos and the bitches are businesses with economies of scale disproportionate to Amazon’s.

Here’s my go-to setup for violating Federal Trade Commission policies:

Get a big bottle of white, light some Yankees, and play Taylor while browsing online retailers. Usually by my third glass I’ve figured out who is getting, like, literally so two-faced and arrogant it’s like disgusting, and I text Jeff about if he saw how Costco was looking at washer/dryers on Cyber Monday and who the frick she thinks she is looking at washer/dryers like that on Cyber Monday. She’s literally fucking fat. Like, who needs that much peanut butter???

Once I do that, Jeff re-negotiates with Maytag and Costco gets priced out of the market and basically it’s karma. Like, bitch. Poof.


Seriously, y’all. Stay INSIDE to commit your atrocious acts of lawlessness this winter.

Destruction of an Energy Facility, Willful Wrecking of a Train Resulting in Death, and Crimes on Indian Reservations are the BEST, but they’re all staying on the bucket list until Spring!




Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish