I don’t know who or what @dril is, and ultimately I hope we never find out. The reveal of @horseebooks ruined what little magic was left in that anonymous, weird Twitter account, and it’s not an experience I’d like to go through again – let alone with the single most worthwhile account on Twitter…personified only by a blurry photo of Jack Nicholson and a string of bizarre, sometimes nonsensical tweets, known only by @dril (or “wint”).
For the uninitiated, @dril is…well, @dril is the darkness that resides in us all – the part of us that is obsessed with being online and denim tattoos and disgusted by the idea of logging off. @dril is all that is broken within us…and all that is beautiful within us. He is everything that the internet has ever been and everything that it ever will be. But the words of others will ultimately fail to explain what/who @dril is – only @dril’s tweets can truly paint that picture.
ah, So u persecute Jared Fogle just because he has different beliefs? Do Tell. (girls get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it
— wint (@dril) November 1, 2015
“Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it” has become the presumed tagline of everyone who says something stupid online – a dumb/misinformed opinion, an awful hot take, or any tweet that is clearly going to be instantly regrettable the second your bearings return to you. And what better way to illustrate a boilerplate bad opinion than someone defending Jared Fogle under the pretense that he’s being persecuted for having “different beliefs”?
UNITED CEO: ah, So u persecute United just because this customer defied police? (everyone gets mad) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it pic.twitter.com/5wG77PbENH
— knife dog (@hudsonhongo) April 11, 2017
I’m officially OFF the Trump train. (nerds get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it pic.twitter.com/kSmnO1tJC4
— hrtbps (@hrtbps) April 9, 2017
“im not owned! im not owned!!”, i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob
— wint (@dril) November 11, 2011
This was long an easy reference to make whenever someone was deeply, obviously wrong on a topic but refused to admit it, and just dug in deeper on whatever Bad Opinion hill they decided was worth dying on online – but its legend grew significantly larger in recent months.
An image created by an anti-Kamala Harris online poster was taken to fit some alternate slang definition of “corncob” – involving being sexually assaulted with a corncob. The myth of the intention behind calling people “corncobs” being tied to rape culture spread quickly, thanks to some influential accounts perpetuating the bad faith argument:
Every cretin who has spread this meme needs to reckon with how it uses “corncob,” a rape culture and homophobic term popular among dudebros. t.co/xAKWYMkMNV
— Al Giordano (@AlGiordano) August 3, 2017
This is, however, not something anyone in these online circles would be referencing – especially not when @dril tweet references are so, so much more immensely popular and instantly recognizable. And now, thanks to some particularly dumb people online, people think @dril is some kind of rape apologist, instead of knowing it’s just someone who made an absurd tweet about transforming into a corncob when you refuse to admit you’ve been owned online.
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
The most beautiful thing about this incredibly ridiculous tweet (the idea that a man’s family is dying because he spends nearly $4k a month on candles) is that there’s occasionally someone who just takes it at face value and tries to respond sincerely. That’s honestly the best case scenario for most @dril tweets, but this one in particular – as this is one of the best exchanges ever:
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
The other wonderful part of this tweet is how incredibly applicable it is to…well, everything. Any time someone is overspending on something obviously extraneous and pointless, there is no better reference point:
Plane ticket search $10,000
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying t.co/ahvtAIjo3r
— Conley (@Conley76) July 17, 2017
the numa numa man just bougt a $70million house and im here at the library trying to photocopy a fruit roll up
— wint (@dril) December 19, 2014
This is as close to a scathing criticism against late stage capitalism as any you’d expect from @dril – envisioning random internet celebrities as impossibly rich and wealthy, while dril remains so impossibly poor that he’s trying to USE A COPIER TO MAKE MORE FRUIT ROLL UPS TO EAT. There is no sadder image possible than a real life @dril (who still looks like a blurry Jack Nicholson) sadly and hopelessly trying to copy a Fruit Roll-Up in a library while fuming over the Numa Numa kid.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
— wint (@dril) May 9, 2014
This tweet in particular has been semi-enshrined by politically active Twitter users (aka “everyone on Twitter) as a metaphor for centrism – an insane focus on trying to play “both sides” and refusing to take a firm stance on anything. Although maybe this tweet (from less than a month later) better summarizes things:
the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: “theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron”
— wint (@dril) June 2, 2014
it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at it again
— wint (@dril) September 24, 2014
Whenever any group of celebrities are doing anything newsworthy, I see this tweet pop into my timeline at least three or four times – the Oscars, the Emmys, massive outpourings of sexual assault allegations, etc. It’s such a big general idea (celebs being “at it again”), it can apply to nearly anything, and always feels just about right.
user named ” beavis_sinatra ” has been terrorizing me since 2004, by sending me pictures of cups that are too close to the edge of the table
— wint (@dril) March 22, 2016
“beavis_sinatra” is such a perfect fake username for an online nemesis (better than your stereotypical “WeedGoku69” example), but what’s even better is that the replies to the tweet COMPLETELY BACK @DRIL UP. Looking at cups too close to the edge of the table IS absolutely maddening:
— David Thorpe (@Arr) March 29, 2016
And even better, someone DID register the username “beavis_sinatra” and has used the account exclusively for sending @dril pictures of cups too close to the edge of tables:
— gob (@beavis_sinatra) March 22, 2016
— wint (@dril) September 15, 2008
@dril’s first – and possibly most important – tweet. Just “no”. No capitalization, no punctuation – just a refutation of everything and anything Twitter represents. Many people’s first tweet is something hokey and embarrassing (stuff like “first tweet! yay!” or “decided to check out what this twitter thing was all about lol”) – not @dril, though. @dril’s first tweet is a thing of poetry and magic, and something we should all look up to.
if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
— wint (@dril) July 28, 2013
On its own, this is a nice standard @dril tweet, but nothing really special – it hints at a much larger (and weirder) world that @dril exists in: an alternate dimension where being at war with an army of skeletons is more or less the norm. It’s funny and goofy, but wouldn’t show up in this list if not for the incredibly dumb reaction from a MULTITUDE of online atheists. Online atheists are the easiest humans in the world to troll – they’re more obsessed with their belief system than any religious person, and they are CONSTANTLY searching for anything to post to make them feel superior to others. And one of the larger atheism Facebook pages came across the “skeleton war” tweet and somehow didn’t pick up any hint of irony to it:
This is (obviously) an old, old picture – not super long after posting, they realized what a ridiculous mistake they’d made and deleted the post, but not before it was shared nearly 20,000 times and received thousands of comments deriding @dril for….their understanding that his skeleton war tweet was religious in some way? I honestly have no idea what religion subscribes to @dril’s skeleton war scenario, but I desperately want to join.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
— wint (@dril) July 26, 2016
There is no point in me trying to explain this one. Just soak it in and appreciate it.
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
— wint (@dril) February 20, 2012
I love everything about the Betsy Ross Museum tweet – how casual @dril is about volunteering there, the specificity of the exact museum, and the idea that it’s very, very common for people to ask him for permission to fuck a flag (combined with his wistful retort that not even he – a volunteer at the museum – is allowed such pleasures). It’s so goddamn weird and bizarre in how it’s framed as this incredibly normal and relatable thing – and its legend has only grown since (then candidate) Donald Trump looked like he DID want to fuck a flag:
But even without Donald Trump’s flag-enjoying antics, it’s a damn good tweet – and similar riffs (always ending in “buddy, they wont even let me fuck it”) have become shockingly common online:
another day volunteering at NYCC. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the Jotaro statue. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it t.co/MNC1elOASw
— Catie V. (@Catie_V) October 7, 2017
fuck “jokes”. everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this
— wint (@dril) October 13, 2011
The perfect parody of the manifesto of “extremely serious online guy” – obsessed with his own brand of inconsequential social media posts, a belief that he’s the only one committed to what’s actually important, and whining about trolls. This pretty perfectly describes 90% of politics wonks online, who spend seemingly all of their time online and treat posting as the most important possible political activism.
“Is Wario A Libertarian” – the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,
— wint (@dril) August 28, 2011
There has never, ever been a better and more thorough summary of forums posting culture (RIP), the dominant form of nerds arguing about mundane nonsense for most of the early to mid-2000s. Heated debate, controversial actions by mods, insanely long pagecount, and a topic so puerile that it would be impossible to say aloud to any normal human being without feeling an overwhelming sense of shame.
donlad trump reportedly says that normal type pokemon are a waste of time. they’re just dirty birds & rats who have no right being a pokemon
— wint (@dril) June 28, 2015
He’s right. He’s completely right.
who the fuck is scraeming “LOG OFF” at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off
— wint (@dril) September 16, 2012
Please, @dril, be true to your word and never log off.
And just as a reminder, @dril has a Patreon – so you can finally give @dril money for bringing so much joy to the world.