People like to argue about a lot of things these days, and I’ve never understood why. People still think that most stuff is a matter of opinion, but that simply isn’t the case. There are objective answers to every question in the world, and lucky for you guys, I happen to know all of them. I’ve decided to clue you guys in and put some of the internet’s biggest disagreements to rest once and for all. This week, I’ll be tackling…
Kingler is not the most creative Pokemon design….In fact, he’s just a crab who looks like a crab. That said, there’s something special about this little fellow and not enough people acknowledge it. Just think back to when he made his debut in the anime. In his hour of need, he evolves from a lowly Krabby and single handedly clenches Ash his first victory in Pokemon League. That oddly effeminate magician didn’t know what hit him! Kingler is a symbol of hope. He’s a sign that you can change from something weak and scrawny into something badass and powerful without having to change that much at all…..Also he has an underbite and one oversized claw which make him super silly and fun!
Pikachu is good and all, but let’s be honest: He’s just a less interesting version of Raichu. Raichu has bomb ass elf ears, an adorable pot belly, and the best tail in all of Pokemon, all while retaining everything you love about his far more famous pre evolution. I have no idea why Ash’s Pikachu refuses to evolve, because it’s clear that he’s not living up to his true potential.
Snorlax is by far the most relatable Pokemon in the entire franchise. He just wants to sleep and eat, and the second you come between him and his goals, he raises hell. Who among us can say that’s not the life they wish they could lead. Intimidating, cute and pudgy as hell, Snorlax is everything you could possibly want in a Pokemon. He may be blocking your path, but he’s never in the way.
The original Dragon-Type is also the best. His sweet appearance and portly physique hide the fact that he’s a total badass. There’s a reason he’s the last Pokemon you fight in the Elite Four, after all. Dragonite is capable of fucking up your shit, but I still just wanna give him a great, big hug, and that makes him a great Pokemon in my book.
Bulbasaur is often treated like he’s the worst of the original starter Pokemon, but the fact of the matter is that he’s clearly the best. For starters, unlike Squirtle and Charizard, there’s more to his design than just taking an existing animal, changing it slightly, and making it walk upright. Bulbasaur combines all the best parts of dogs, dinosaurs, frogs and seeds in a way that’s MUCH cooler than that sounds. It’s a shame that the little guy basically just evolves into fatter versions of itself, but I guess it makes sense that it turns into something worse. Bulbasaur pretty near perfect as it is, so it has nowhere to go but down.
Most middle evolutions are like middle children: Worthless, unlovable, and far inferior to their older and younger counterparts. I’m talking to you, Wartortle. The one exception to this rule is Haunter. With his spooky tongue, intense eyes and awesome floating hands, Haunter is the one time I was happy that trade-based evolution exists.
It makes sense that a lot of us have an emotional connection to Cubone: He’s basically all of us at the age when we first started playing Pokemon. Sad, misunderstood and just a little bit fat, Cubone has one of the richest backstories of any Pokemon out there, along with a couple of bombass signature moves all his own. Cubone is a lone wolf in the Pokemon world, and I just hope he can one day find happiness.
He’s a turtle with guns on his back. Need I say more?
Butterfree was everyone’s first encounter with Pokemon greatness. After suffering through Viridian Forest with nothing but a lowly Metapod, you come out the other end with your first fully evolved Poke, ready to hand Broke his own B-hole. Though nothing good can last, and you’ll eventually have to send Butterfree to chill out in Bill’s PC, his big eyes, stupid little hands, and inexplicable fangs will ensure that he always has a special spot in all of our hearts. Just think about how much you cried when Ash had to give his up in the anime. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
Eevee is the cutest Pokemon. Eevee evolves into the coolest Pokemon. Eevee literally has the potential to transform into any number of awesome creatures. The fact that Eevee is not the official mascot is a travesty, because Eevee, more than any other Pokemon, encapsulate everything that makes the franchise great.
Those are the objective facts, people. If you disagree with me, you’re wrong, but feel free to head to the comments to show me just how wrong you are! While you’re there, be sure to let me know if you have another topic you’d like me to settle objectively. It’s not easy being right all the time, but it’s my cross to bear.