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The 10 Best Dog Breeds Ranked, Objectively


10. Jack Russell Terrier

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If you grew up in the 90’s, the odds are that at some point you asked your mom for a Jack Russell only to be told that they’re too much effort. Smart, energetic, and, above all else, cute, Jack Russells are the definition of a kid’s best bud. What’s more, there’s no better dog to cut to when the protagonist does something stupid.

9. Puli

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I’ve never met a Puli. I don’t even know if I’ve ever seen on in real life. For all I know, they are the meanest creatures on earth, but I don’t care. They could be a breed of homophobe who survives on a strict diet of orphan meat, and they’d still deserve a spot on this list because they look like a sentient mop, and nothing they do is gonna change that. In short, they’re perfect.

8. St. Bernards

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A dog that brings you alcohol? Sign me up immediately. Another staple of the 90s, St. Bernard more than make up for the daily gallon of slobber they produce with their smooshable faces and huggable bellies. If movies are to believed, these behemoths can destroy whole living rooms by simply shaking the mud off their fur. That said, I would consider it an honor to take off my dirty glasses and wipe them clean of sludge if it means I get to be in the presence of on of these goobers.

7.  Bloodhounds

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Look at this chill ass motherfucker. Bloodhounds are the kind of badasses who can solve murders by day then chill out at your feet while rocking a sweet ass Sherlock Holmes costume at night. They may not be the most energetic of pooches, but if you wanna just lay low and pet a pooch, you can’t beat these wrinkly little monsters.

6. Mutts

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It’s at this point that a take a break from ranking dog breeds to point out that, genetically speaking, mutts are the best kind of dog. Dog breeding is an archaic and borderline evil practice that causes all sort of health defects in our furry friends. If given the choice between buying a purebred and adopting a mutt, you should always go with the latter. Okay, killjoy time over. Back to ranking dog breeds.

5. Bulldogs

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Remember when I called dog breeding borderline evil? Well here’s your proof. These genetic deformities are sins against nature, but holy shit, they’re cute as hell. They’re just so wrong that they’re right again. Do I think they should exist? No. Do I want to take all the ones that do exist, dress them up in business suits and let the shower me with slobbery kisses? Of course I do.

4. Labrador Retrievers

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Labs are cool ass dogs. They don’t need your fucking approval, and that makes it so cool that they’re such loyal little guys. Walking around with a lab is like being friends with a celebrity. People will stop. Eyes will turn. You’ll seem that much more interesting by the mere fact that you’re happen to be in their orbit. It’s great. Also, they happen to make the undisputed cutest puppies, so bonus points on that front.

3. Tie: French Bulldog/Boston Terriers

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Both these breeds are incredibly silly and that is exactly their charm. Their smushed faces and pointy ears make them impossible to resist. Do both of them fart a lot and snore like little sailors? Yes they do. That said, aren’t  unpleasant smells and a lack of sleep worth it if it means you get to stare at one of these silly faces everyday? The answer is yes.

2. Golden Retrievers

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If you looked up dog in the dictionary, you see a Golden. Then odds are that Golden would wag its tail and try to kiss you because that’s the kind of dogs they are. As their name suggests, these little fuffsters are golden drops of sunlight that make everything around them happier. I’ve never met one that didn’t instantly put a smile on my face, and I’m a very sad person, so that says a lot.

1.Pekingese

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Pekingese aren’t much to look at, they don’t have much personality, and they shed like a bitch. That said, my dog is a Pekingese and that means that they are unquestionably the best breed of dog….objectively.

 






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