Homepage / Fake News / Thanks a Lot for Dumping Me, Your Big-City Fiance, In This Hallmark Holiday Movie
Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir

Fake News

Thanks a Lot for Dumping Me, Your Big-City Fiance, In This Hallmark Holiday Movie


I try to be a good man. I work hard, I pay my bills on time, I’m a productive member of society. I earned my success at a high-powered, unspecified business and I don’t think I should have to apologize for it. You always said that you liked that about me. So honestly, Allie, I think you can understand my surprise here.

I respect your career as a big-city junior reporter trying to get a big promotion by breaking a story that ironically unfolds in the picturesque small town of Kringleton where you grew up and haven’t returned to in ten years. The whole thing seemed kind of weirdly coincidental, but who am I to stand in the way of your dreams?

And look, I’m not a saint. Was I was a little pissed off that you bailed on our surprise trip to Bali to chase a human-interest story that would inexplicably springboard you to features editor? The day after I proposed to you in that fancy French restaurant? Of course I was. Does that make me a bad person? Honestly, I don’t think so! That was fucking inconsiderate, Allie.

Honestly, you just really blindsided me on this one. When you called me on your big-city iPhone in the middle of a snowy gazeebo you said that you hated Kringleton, and the incessant good cheer of the folksy, warm-hearted locals was making you crazy. I was patient when you said that you just needed a few more days to get the scoop on the identity of the mysterious stranger who delivers candy canes to the local retirement home, and also reconnect with your emotionally closed-off father, haunted by the death of your mother on a long-ago Christmas Eve. That’s a super-sad story, and I would have liked to know about it. I care about family!

I didn’t know that a first date at a nice sushi restaurant was inferior to slipping on ice in your designer heels and literally falling into the arms of your high school boyfriend who gave up his football scholarship to care for his ailing and beloved grandfather and shamed you for going off to Harvard to chase your professional dreams.

And I’m so sorry that I don’t have a dead wife and a plucky child who speaks like a 35-year-old and has lost her belief in Santa Claus. I didn’t know that was a requirement to date you when you swiped right on Bumble. You’re the one who swiped, Allie! In not one of my photos was I wearing a cozy plaid shirt and puffy vest, smiling with a sadness deep within my eyes. I never lied about who I was. I went to Yale and I like sushi. So sue me.

Apparently I needed to inherit a Christmas tree farm from my beloved grandfather that’s in danger of being bought out by a one-dimensional real estate developer to build condos that it sounds like this town desperately needs. It sounds like a legitimate business deal and I don’t see why the real estate conglomerate should terminate their perfectly understandable purchase of the land just because someone’s sassy grandmother made him promise to never sell the family legacy.

And you know, Allie, you could have told me that your most cherished wish was to own a little bakery that only sells artisanal cupcakes. I call bullshit that you didn’t realize that until “Chad” or whatever the fuck his name is asked you in that snowy forest what happened to the girl he knew from high school, the girl who loved Kringleton and was always there for everyone. I love cupcakes too, but you never asked, Allie.

I mean, it’s really adorable that you cracked open the story that the mysterious candy cane man was a reformed elderly grump who was doing good deeds to atone for leaving his family years ago and just wanted to be reunited with them for Christmas. What a groundbreaking piece of journalism. I’m sure the New York Times will be all over that one.

Good luck being a stepmother to a child haunted by the death of the mother you’ll never live up to. Enjoy spending all of your time with middle-aged inn owners who speak only in platitudes and folksy wisdom. And I’m sure things will work out with Chad. Three days of making snowmen and eating nothing but Christmas cookies is a great foundation for a lasting relationship. Really rooting for you.

Merry fucking Christmas, Allie. I want the ring back.

We’re now accepting list submissions! Although we’re contractually prohibited from telling you whether Santa had anything to do with that decision. Join the PIC newsletter for weekly comedy headlines. Save 10% on comedy classes at The Second City using code PIC.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish