Homepage / Fake News / Thank You for Rescuing Me From This Trash Can I’ve Stuffed Myself Into To Write A Novel
5 Things To Know About ‘Dumbo’ Learning to Love My Talons William Barr Declares Mueller Investigation Fully Exonerates Members Of Reagan Administration From Iran-Contra Involvement Compassionate Trump Issues Full Presidential Pardon For Robert Mueller Man Who Spent Last 2 Years Drawing Pictures Of Trump And Putin Making Out Beginning To Realize Just How Wrong He’s Been Introducing Our Latest Groundbreaking Piece of Gym Equipment: The Dialectical Mueller Finds No Evidence Of Trump–Russia Conspiracy, Attorney General Says The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 25, 2019 Nick Dee on the 2002 NBA All-Star Weekend ‘Apex Legends’ Players Finally Getting Good Enough To Make Game Impossible For Average People To Enjoy The Smelliest Weapon in History Retiring Rob Gronkowski Admits He’ll Miss Teammates’ Blurry Faces, Fans Spinning Perpetually In The Stands Police Confirm Car Had Ethanol In System At Time Of Crash List: 31 Alternate Security Questions for When Remembering Your Mother’s Maiden Name is Too Hard Google Announces Gaming Platform Called Stadia “Sopranos” Episodes I Saw in a Fever Dream Trump: Ouija Spirits Link McCain to Recent Boeing Crashes This Rapper Is Revolutionizing Ad-Libs Donald J Trump, Philanthropist and Humanitarian, is Dead at Age 87 Prom The Nightmare After the Fifth Element Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub MTA Unveils New Designated Seating For Commuters Who Look Like They’re About To Snap Serta Wholesaler Lets Customers Cut Their Own Length Of Mattress Woodstock 50 Announces Lineup Myspace Loses All Content From Before 2016 Study Reveals That Girls Who Play Princess Grow Up With Skewed Perceptions Of The Role Of Modern Monarchy In A Democratic Society Annoyed Boss Can Tell Employees Watching NCAA Tournament On His Computer What Is the Worst Marriage Proposal? Odd Inclusions in the New Line of Bath Bombs Pros And Cons Of Breaking Up The Big Tech Companies Zion Williamson In Panic After Realizing Game Falls On Same Night As Theater Club Production God Puts “Religion” Up for Review Trump Backs Release Of Mueller Report Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade Experts Caution New Car Loses 90% Of Value As Soon As You Drive It Off Cliff Coachella Unveils Premium VIP Areas Where Fans Will Be Able To See, Hear Bands Sleep with a Snake for $2500 Tips For Quitting Juul Arctic Locked In To Warm 9 Degrees By End Of Century None Of Mom’s Clothes Can Be Cleaned Using Washing Machine Directors’ Notes on Restagings of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” How Much Does Donald Trump Love Farmers? David Nunes Sues Twitter & Marilyn Sands for Big ‘Moo-la’ President Bans Use of Prepositions On Twitter Biggest Drug Busts In U.S. History One Million Pounds Of Pork Seized At New Jersey Port Literary Historians Uncover Collection Of Breezy, Upbeat Edgar Allan Poe Writings Penned After Author Took Up Jogging Beto O’Rourke Smashes Records With $6.1 Million In Fundraising Devin Nunes Threatens Defamation Lawsuit After Reputation Ruined By His Official Twitter Account Biden Pulls Off Dusty Tarp Covering Old Campaign Motorcycle Where's the Remote? Pros And Cons Of Canceling Student Loan Debt Finishing a Campaign (with Molly Ostertag) Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money?

Fake News

Thank You for Rescuing Me From This Trash Can I’ve Stuffed Myself Into To Write A Novel

Hey officers, wow, I’m so relieved to see you all again, despite how irritated you look to see me.

I know, I know, this is the third time this week you’ve cut me out of a metal trash can. I haven’t yet figured out how to squeeze myself into these things without my kneecap crushing up against my throat. Yes, I’m very lucky someone spotted me each time and hailed you over before the lack of oxygen killed me. But you know the saying, a good writer can write anywhere, and I’m hell bent on literally proving—but mostly profiting from—that.

Imagine a book written entirely in uncomfortable places with completely unconventional materials. Genius, isn’t it? An aspiring novelist pens their first novel about the life of a struggling novelist by writing said novel from inside literal trash—it’s fucking poetry. And more importantly, sure to be a fucking instant bestseller.

I can practically feel myself clicking the articles now: “Breakout Author Weaves Debut Masterpiece From Tiny Spaces.” “Book of the Year Written In Literal Physical Discomfort.” “Writer Challenges Society’s Idea of Comfort to Pen Great American Novel.” I can also practically feel myself cashing the advance for my second book.

No, I’m not just doing garbage cans. Two weeks ago, I strapped my feet to my fire escape and wrote with pigeon poop while hanging upside down. I passed out multiple times. And for the past few nights, I crawled under my roommate’s bed and wrote two chapters, using dust, in the dark, while he snored so loud I swear it could power all of New York if we could harness his respiratory vibrations. I was told this morning to find a new place to live but it’ll be worth it when this book gets published and I finally have a million dollars.

It’s not like I want to write in trash cans. Or inside a dryer at my laundromat. Or between subway cars on the R train. Or hiding under the altar at my ex’s wedding. But these are the most economical options right now. Maybe after I’m highly esteemed and very wealthy, I’ll pay to have myself fastened on the outside of an Airbus, Tom-Cruise-In-Mission-Impossible-style, and write my memoir.

But for now, I need to local, a.k.a. affordable, spaces to make myself uncomfortable in. Kind of like how J.K. Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter on a typewriter because she couldn’t afford a computer. I’m not saying I’m J.K. Rowling…I’m saying I’m probably better.

Oh, I’m definitely going to try and stuff myself back into one of these trash cans. I haven’t quite nailed this particular space yet. I want to get a full chapter from each place I cram myself into and I haven’t gotten more than a few sentences from inside the cans before I start suffocating from my own anatomical limitations.

Ugh, you’re still not getting it.

Listen, I have $40,000 in student loans, $10,000 in credit card debt, a looming $1,500 medical bill from when a car hit me and the EMTs made me ride to the hospital in an ambulance, and my Twitter jokes aren’t exactly filling my savings account, you know? This is my literal last garbage ditch attempt to publish something that can financially support me—or at the least, launch me in the direction of money—before I buy a shovel, apply to grad school, and dig myself into an ever deeper hole of debt because I don’t know what else to fucking do.

So please, for the love of whomever you believe presides over this hellfire of a planet, let me keep trying to write from inside this gross bucket of public human waste.

Fine. I’ll go to a different neighborhood tomorrow. But only if you all follow me on Twitter.

Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.