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Fake News

Survey: How Do You Feel About Being Black?

“I don’t really think about it.”
—Bart Rudd, Student

“It bothers me that almost every homeless guy I see in this city is black. Could we get a diversity program for poverty? You know, affirmative action for sleeping in parks? It could change things.”
—Nina Bryant, Publicist

“It’s time we took some responsibility. My high school didn’t even talk about Jim Crow, so he couldn’t have been that bad.”
—Wendy Hart, Pundit

“Black men invented Wushu kung-fu. The colleges want us to forget, but we remember the truth. The one-inch punch is black. The Shaolin temples were black. The three-section staff is black. It’s all black.”
—Dean Williams, Unemployed

“For a long time, I didn’t care. But now it’s been six years since my last promotion, and that has me thinking.”
—Zachary Easton, Coder

“Black? It’s alright. Poor? It’s killing me. I can’t even afford to be depressed about it.”
—Caleb Jones, Cashier

“Great question! Follow @WokeQueenSelene for the answer. You might learn something about oppression. And dog gifs. Focus on the oppression.”
—Selene Parsons, Influencer

“Think of the butterfly effect. If I wasn’t black, what else would change? Would America still exist? Would we cure colon cancer? Would giant bipedal ladybugs control the world?”
—Lisa Martin, Nurse

“I’ve got a kid. I made the same mistake as a dozen white girls in this shithole town, but I get all the looks and jokes. It’s not funny from where I’m sitting.”
—Anna Foxwood, Assistant Librarian

“Well, I get to say nigga. Nigga. Nigga-nigga-nigga. Nigga? Nigga!”
—Robert North, Lawyer

“I’m proud, as all kings should be. Being born black is my greatest accomplishment.”
—Cedric Lane, Unemployed

“I just want to marry a white woman. Anything else is worse than being alone. And I can’t be alone with me. I went to white schools in a white town in a white state. I need a white wife to feel like myself.”
—Elliot Andrews, Therapist

“Fuck whitey.”
—Tyler Cole, Correctional Officer

“It’s kicking the shit out of me. Google ‘Jamaicans and homosexuality’ the next time you’re having a good day.”
—Stella Hammond, Greeter

“I read that the police are shooting us. And that white terrorists are shooting us. And that we’re shooting us. Does all that really happen? I don’t want to get shot.”
—Jessica Clark, Student

“It was cool until I got shot.”
—Ernest Kincaid, Student

“Let me tell you: my parents came from Angola, and the niggers here are out of control. I’m perfectly proud of being black, but don’t associate me with your niggers.”
—Loide Boavida, Retiree

“In Dungeons & Dragons, there’s this chart called an encounter table. It decides what monsters and traps players encounter based on a dice roll between one and a hundred. At one, you might find some gold. At 100, you might find a pissed-off dragon made of gold. Follow me? Being black is like going through life with a second encounter table. Between 1 and 50, nothing happens. A 56 gets you a ‘random’ traffic stop, and an 81 gets you a racist manager. Roll 100 and you get your own hashtag. Which would be nice, if you were around to enjoy it.”
—Ed Galloway, High School Football Coach

“I don’t give two wet shits, and I’m tired of people expecting me to. Piss off.”
—Fred Austere, Author

“It’s pretty fucked.”
—Davin Porter, Civil Engineer

“It’s great.”
—R.B. Cartwright, Valet

“It’s okay.”
—Cynthia Lucas, Professor of African-American Studies

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