Homepage / Fake News / Survey: How Do You Feel About Being Black?
Airport Only Place In Metro Area To Buy City’s Signature Food Racine Legion To Select Second Overall In NFL Draft Using Pick Acquired In 1923 Taco Bell Seeking to Attract Workers with New Benefit Browns Draft First Overall Out Of Habit ‘If You Cross Me I Will End You,’ Goodell Whispers Into Ear Of Every Draft Pick Jon Gruden Rips Up List Of Top Prospects And Drafts From The Heart List: Having Never Seen a Marvel Movie, We Predict the End of “Avengers: Endgame” Easy-Going Mel Kiper Predicts Teams Will Do Whatever They Feel Is Right And We Shouldn’t Judge Them CDC Warns Once-Eradicated Jitterbug Spreading Across Country At Rate Not Seen Since 1940s Tesla Posts Massive First Quarter Loss After Self-Driving Car Absconds With $702 Million in Cash Man Always Sleeps With Bat Beside Bed Just In Case Any Major League Pitchers Try To Break In Samsung Recalls All Galaxy Fold Phones After Cracked Screens Sanders Supporters Viciously Attack Bernie Sanders After He Criticizes Mistakes Of 2016 Sanders Campaign What Is the Coolest Way to Quit Your Job? Judging Late Night Hosts Based on if They’d Be a Good Replacement for Your Father, Now That He’s Passed Away Weird Birthday Boy Blowing Out Candles Wishes John Hickenlooper Wins Democratic Primary Winter Is Shortcoming I Will Personally Destroy The Chances Of Any 2020 Candidate Who Doesn’t Get Their Picture Taken Eating At Culver’s FDA Approves First Device To Treat ADHD In Children How Brexit Uncertainty Is Affecting UK Residents Hair Loss Got You Down? Try The Mountain Hermit Cure What Is the ‘AI Agenda,’ Who’s Pushing It and Why? The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation By the Company He Keeps If You Can’t Stand the Heat… Get Out of the White House Diplomatic Pete Buttigieg Quickly Changes Subject From Politics At Town Hall To Avoid Arguments ‘Junk Food’ is Fake News, Say Trump Lobbyists Democrats Call For Trump Impeachment Do-It-Yourself Health Care – Yes, It Has Come to That John Boehner Beheads Juarez Cartel Member Who Dared Muscle In On His Legal Weed Turf Megan and the Queen at Odds Retired Marshawn Lynch Goes Into Yeast Mode While Baking Self-Conscious Man Clearly The Only One In Japanese Restaurant Unsure How To Use Water Glass Pros And Cons Of Sanctuary Cities Burning (Alive) on the Dance Floor Environmentalists Warn Swedish Fish Population Being Decimated By Great Pacific Sour Patch Public Bathrooms I’m Not Like Other Tourists Woman Could Listen To British Guy Scream For Help All Day List: How I Snowplowed My Utterly Unmagical Child’s Way into the Most Prestigious School of Witchcraft and Wizardry CIA Finds Definitive Evidence Of Second Shooter In JFK Assassination Herman Cain Withdraws From Fed Consideration Dedicated Russell Westbrook Stays Late After Practice To Miss 100 Extra Shots Pete Buttigieg Releases Comprehensive List Of Fun Personality Quirks To Include In Articles About Him Trump Sues House Democrat To Block Release Of Tax Returns Horrified Authorities Discover One-Day-Old Funnel Cake Abandoned In Dumpster Jared Kushner Claims That Russian Interference Less Damaging To U.S. Democracy Than Saudi Arabia, Nepotism, Israel, Cambridge Analytica, UAE, Illicit Donations, Erik Prince, Bill Barr, And Financial Entanglements Boss Encourages Employees To Take Short Mental Breakdowns For Every Hour Of Work Stop Asking Women To Talk About Being Women Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat Laundering Instructions For Your $148 Anthropologie Romper Man Wearing Cobra Command Shirt Missed The Whole Point Of ‘G.I. Joe’ Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 23, 2019 Random Uncle’s Wife Crying A Bunch Throughout Grandma’s Funeral List: Failed Restaurant Chains of Famous Artists Baby T. Rex Fossil Selling On eBay Unclear If Store Called ‘Casa Spazio’ Sells Leather Sofas Or Pizzas Elizabeth Holmes Proves Women Are Just as Good at Committing Fraud as the Guys 5 Things To Know About ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Glossary Of Terms Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies 9-Foot-Tall Bernie Sanders Greets Supporters After Session With Posture Coach Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time Line Item On Aetna Insurance Bill Just ‘Paying For CEO’s Yacht’ Senate Considering Bill To Raise Smoking Age To 21 “SNL” Alums Remember the Awkward Encounters with Lorne Michaels That Got Them Hired! Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage A Disturbance in HR Emmanuel Macron Not Sure How To Tell Billionaires Notre Dame Repair Only Costs $200 Alfred Aquino II on the Skateboarder Who Comped Justin Bieber The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 22, 2019 List: My Response to Your Big Work News: A Guide Computer Scientists Say AI’s Underdeveloped Ethics Have Yet To Move Beyond Libertarian Phase Woman Jealous Of Horse’s Eyelashes The Syllabus to Paul Ryan’s Notre Dame Political Science Class Zombie Jesus Stabbed Through the Face, Decapitated Quiz: Which New Testament Snack Is Your Ultimate Boyfriend? The Harrowing Tale of Going 52 Hours Without a Phone The Game Where Two People Are Secretly Stoned [Full Episode] Alright Fellas, We’re Doing It: We’re Robbing This Bank 84% Support Marijuana Legalization An Alien’s Guide to Caring for Human Babies ‘The Onion’ Endorses Legal Marijuana Peeps Unveils New Boneless, Skinless Marshmallow Breasts China Discontinues State Surveillance Program After Finally Finding Guy Who Drove Into Xi Jinping’s Mailbox Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment Tips For Taking Care Of Houseplants Mueller Report Released Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption A 420 Visit from The Weed Man Biggest Revelations From The Mueller Report Let Me Feign Confidence for this Networking Luau Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth There Are No Dinosaurs In Alien (Tournament of Champions, Pt 3) Nation Spooked After Running Into Creepy Old Night Watchman Tracking Trump Administration Turnover French President Pledges To Rebuild Notre Dame In 5 Years List: Classic Song Titles Re-Imagined at This Tech-Heavy, Millennial-Targeted, Social-First Advertising Agency Stephen Miller Palms ICE Agent $50 Bill In Exchange For A Little Alone Time With Detained Migrants Erotica by a Woman Pretending to Be a Man Who is Pretending to Be a Woman

Fake News

Survey: How Do You Feel About Being Black?

“I don’t really think about it.”
—Bart Rudd, Student

“It bothers me that almost every homeless guy I see in this city is black. Could we get a diversity program for poverty? You know, affirmative action for sleeping in parks? It could change things.”
—Nina Bryant, Publicist

“It’s time we took some responsibility. My high school didn’t even talk about Jim Crow, so he couldn’t have been that bad.”
—Wendy Hart, Pundit

“Black men invented Wushu kung-fu. The colleges want us to forget, but we remember the truth. The one-inch punch is black. The Shaolin temples were black. The three-section staff is black. It’s all black.”
—Dean Williams, Unemployed

“For a long time, I didn’t care. But now it’s been six years since my last promotion, and that has me thinking.”
—Zachary Easton, Coder

“Black? It’s alright. Poor? It’s killing me. I can’t even afford to be depressed about it.”
—Caleb Jones, Cashier

“Great question! Follow @WokeQueenSelene for the answer. You might learn something about oppression. And dog gifs. Focus on the oppression.”
—Selene Parsons, Influencer

“Think of the butterfly effect. If I wasn’t black, what else would change? Would America still exist? Would we cure colon cancer? Would giant bipedal ladybugs control the world?”
—Lisa Martin, Nurse

“I’ve got a kid. I made the same mistake as a dozen white girls in this shithole town, but I get all the looks and jokes. It’s not funny from where I’m sitting.”
—Anna Foxwood, Assistant Librarian

“Well, I get to say nigga. Nigga. Nigga-nigga-nigga. Nigga? Nigga!”
—Robert North, Lawyer

“I’m proud, as all kings should be. Being born black is my greatest accomplishment.”
—Cedric Lane, Unemployed

“I just want to marry a white woman. Anything else is worse than being alone. And I can’t be alone with me. I went to white schools in a white town in a white state. I need a white wife to feel like myself.”
—Elliot Andrews, Therapist

“Fuck whitey.”
—Tyler Cole, Correctional Officer

“It’s kicking the shit out of me. Google ‘Jamaicans and homosexuality’ the next time you’re having a good day.”
—Stella Hammond, Greeter

“I read that the police are shooting us. And that white terrorists are shooting us. And that we’re shooting us. Does all that really happen? I don’t want to get shot.”
—Jessica Clark, Student

“It was cool until I got shot.”
—Ernest Kincaid, Student

“Let me tell you: my parents came from Angola, and the niggers here are out of control. I’m perfectly proud of being black, but don’t associate me with your niggers.”
—Loide Boavida, Retiree

“In Dungeons & Dragons, there’s this chart called an encounter table. It decides what monsters and traps players encounter based on a dice roll between one and a hundred. At one, you might find some gold. At 100, you might find a pissed-off dragon made of gold. Follow me? Being black is like going through life with a second encounter table. Between 1 and 50, nothing happens. A 56 gets you a ‘random’ traffic stop, and an 81 gets you a racist manager. Roll 100 and you get your own hashtag. Which would be nice, if you were around to enjoy it.”
—Ed Galloway, High School Football Coach

“I don’t give two wet shits, and I’m tired of people expecting me to. Piss off.”
—Fred Austere, Author

“It’s pretty fucked.”
—Davin Porter, Civil Engineer

“It’s great.”
—R.B. Cartwright, Valet

“It’s okay.”
—Cynthia Lucas, Professor of African-American Studies

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.