Millennial Girl is here to rescue you when you just can’t even. As Acai City’s newest hero, Millennial Girl is committed to protecting and serving all citizens born between 1981 and 1998. During the day, she’s 24-year-old Serena Logan, an intern at FOMO Magazine and an aspiring journalist.
She’s super #relatable: she has to Google where to put stamps on envelopes, has two-hundred-thousand dollars of student debt from her liberal arts degree, and writes quizzes for Snapchat to make ends meet. Before becoming a hero, she was so poor she had to use Tinder for free meals.
To summon Millennial Girl, simply throw your head back and let out a loud “yassss queen!” Her powers include instantly removing the vomit from the Uber you threw up in, erasing your ex’s memory when you accidentally like their Insta post from 35 weeks ago, and enchanting chia seeds so that they heal bullet wounds. This is in addition to all the stereotypical superhero powers she has: flight, x-ray vision, and superhuman strength. She’s also bisexual and pansexual because our team of straight, white, male researchers has no idea what the difference is, but surveys show you guys will eat that right up.
Vlogger may be Millennial Girl’s best friend and confidante, but she refuses to be anyone’s side ho. Her powers include lightning speed Final Cut Pro skills, and a really exciting life that 2.5 million teenagers on the internet are jealous of. She has the uncanny ability to always whip her camera out at the most emotional or tense moments so she can record and profit off them. She can also see into the future and read minds, which comes in handy for knowing what the next big YouTube trend is (mukbang is so last week).
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Hacker can break into just about any computer in the world, unleashing a stream of government secrets and unreleased Drake music videos. She found Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 missing emails, and according to his sister’s friend’s cousin’s brother’s dad’s enemy’s LinkedIn, they’re still a thing. But like, it’s casual, they’re just hooking up.
When not decoding the secrets of the CIA, Hacker can be found working on her memoir, “I Know You Erased Your Search History,” coming to bookstores everywhere this fall.
Hipster’s powers include being able to sniff out the nearest vegan restaurant from miles away. If he suddenly spins on the spot and points off into the distance and shouts “edamame,” there’s probably tofurkey in your future. Hipster’s other powers include putting his enemies to sleep by lecturing them on the cinematic techniques of French New Wave cinema for hours on end and listing out Arcade Fire’s entire discography at blinding speeds. When not patrolling the streets of Acai City on his microscopic bicycle, Hipster can be found majoring in Gender and Sexuality Studies at Sarah Lawrence College.
Aside from making a mean cappuccino, Barista is putting unemployed millennials back to work through his superpower of automatically being able to get you a job at your nearest Starbucks. Barista’s veins are filled with coffee rather than blood, giving him a constant caffeine rush. He can create any kind of caffeinated beverage from thin air, and always makes sure the Millennial Legion is properly fueled. He can also brew mind control coffee.
The Villain: Internet Troll
This season, watch Millennial Girl and her friends take on Acai City’s biggest threat: the Internet Troll. Every time a crusty white man in his early-to-mid-thirties calls a millennial woman in Acai City a “stupid angry feminist,” “slut bag,” or casually threatens to show up at her house and sexually assault her, Millennial Girl and her team spring into action.
They’re squad goals. They’re the Millennial Legion. Mondays, 9/8 central, only on the CW.
It’s gonna be lit, you guys.
Join upcoming online comedy classes like “Writing Satire for the Internet” at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.