Homepage / Fake News / Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub
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Fake News

Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub

Sons of Scotland!

It is the highest honor to be leading you into battle today. Standing before me are the two thousand bravest soldiers this country has ever known. The British army may be ten times our size… but we will not be intimidated! I cannot promise you it will be an easy fight. Nor can I promise that you’ll see the end of it. But for those that do, we’re meeting at Aberdeen’s Pub afterwards.

I want to make sure those plans are clear with everyone, because last time we tried to get drinks after a battle, I reserved a whole backroom and only like eight of you showed up. It was humiliating.

But we must not get ahead of ourselves! We first must focus on the monumental challenge in front of us. The battle that will forever define our legacy! Do not let the significance of this moment pass you by, men, for history will remember your name—and if there’s one name for YOU to remember, it’s Aberdeen’s. The one in the town square. Not the one by the river. So, Aymer, don’t even think about trying to get a group to go to the river one. The rumor alone’s gonna cause a huge confusion and ruin the whole thing.

But one demon at a time! Because the twenty thousand infantrymen just over those hills cannot be overlooked. They may have us outnumbered… but those men aren’t fighting for their freedom! That’s what makes you special. You have uncommon courage. And it takes uncommon courage to be at Aberdeen’s right at 6.

I know it’s cool to show up late or when everyone’s a few pints in—and guess what, you’re right, it kind of is—But if we all agree, right now, to just not do that, it’ll be a better night for everyone.

But 6 PM—exactly 6 PM—is not upon us yet. We have one hell of a day ahead of us. And I know it feels like this sun will never set, but when it does… there’s a potato skin platter waiting for you on the other side. So if anyone’s on the fence, just know those platters are half-price til 8 PM. Find me if you want to go splitsies. I can never finish one by myself. I’m serious, lots of food. Great price. Honestly, I don’t know how they’re able to do it.

Again, I don’t mean to lose focus, but I will say that it’s a good sign everyone’s already thinking about tonight. Hard to flake on plans when you don’t forget them! For obvious reasons, we decided not to do RSVPs, but I’m just gonna assume all survivors will be there. Right? I need to give Hilda a headcount after the battle so she knows whether or not to open the patio for us.

I’ll be doing a headcount for your loved ones as well, but Hilda specifically mentioned the patio thing.

And let me know if you REALLY can’t make it. But to clarify, unless you’re severely injured, I need to see you at Aberdeen’s. Okay?

You know what, I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s mandatory.

No, I spoke to MacLeod. His kid has a battle across town, he’s fine.

But everyone else is cool? We’re all gonna be there? Quick show of hands—great. Gaufrid, where’s that hand? Theeeere it is.

Okay, cool. Again, sorry. Just want to make sure we settled that before the bloodshed. I don’t want to distract you men from the fight for your freedom! Be strong, men. And have faith. For God is on our side today. It is God’s Will that we’re here on this battlefield today. And God’s Will that we’re on the patio of Aberdeen’s tonight, crushing some cold ones.

His Will be done.

But knowing this group’s track record, it’ll require a miracle of God for these Aberdeen plans to happen, right?

Wrong! We don’t need a miracle! We have the power to make this happen all on our own. All God asks is for each and every one of us to follow through with these basic plans that we have explicitly discussed, confirmed, and then reconfirmed. But the rest is on you. Because as thoroughly as I can communicate to you every detail of these plans, six o’clock will roll around and you’ll either be at Aberdeen’s or you won’t.

Do we really need a miracle from God for that? Let’s spare him tonight, so he can grant us one on this battlefield right now.

Because what if he’s only got one miracle in him today?

I’m just saying.

Aberdeen’s at 6.


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