Homepage / Fake News / Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub
Beyoncé Releases Surprise Live Album Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity ‘Boating World Magazine’ Giving Live Updates As Its Team Of Reporters Reads All Of Mueller Report The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report You’re Far Too Dumb To Be Reading The Mueller Report Yourself North Korea Tests Out New Knife In Smaller Escalation Of Threats To U.S. Weekend No. 19 in the County Jail ‘Mayor Pete’ Buttigieg Joins 2020 Race What Is the Worst Tattoo to Get? List: 7 Cactuses Who Could Beat the Golden State Warriors Barr Releases Catatonic Mueller After Removing All Sensitive Material From Special Counsel’s Brain Dressing Room Curtain Tested For Vulnerabilities There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16 The Girl of My Dreams Was a Paid Advertisement Light Beer Healthiest Food Option At Stadium Game Boy Turns 30 Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries For Saudi Arabia Charlize Theron Is ‘Shockingly Available’ and Waiting for Someone to ‘Step Up’ and Ask Her Out – YEAH, RIGHT!!! Sony Scores Big Win For PlayStation 5 After Poaching Yoshi From Nintendo With 10-Year $400 Million Contract The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Joe Biden Investigators Trace Cause Of Notre Dame Fire To Cathedral’s Outdated 12th-Century Electrical System Dems’ White Man Problem – Will Durst, Humor Times Sony Reveals First PlayStation 5 Details Steve Kerr Reminds Warriors To Seem Sad DeMarcus Cousins Injured Beyond Meat Researchers Announce Creation Of Fully Conscious, Plant-Based Veal Calf Fenta-Nil Sloths Risk Death When They Poop RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary Leveling Up (with Satine Phoenix) ‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 8 Premieres Lazy Minor League Promotion Just ‘Baseball Night At The Stadium’ Paul Manafort Starts New Job Lobbying Prison Guards On Behalf Of Aryan Brotherhood List: Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke Be the Housesitter: Mitski’s Housesitting Instructions Trump Vows to Restore Workplace Harassment Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 16, 2019 Friend Has Some Jerky In Clear, Unlabeled Bag For You To Try My Healthcare Plan is to be Buried in an Ancient Pet Cemetery Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas Tips For Playing ‘Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice’ Tiger Woods Wins 5th Masters Title Mom Dropped Like 80 Bucks On Some Necklace With An Owl On It At The Art Fair These Weed Names Are NOT Chill Paris Vows To Rebuild Notre Dame Despite Cosmic Absurdity Of Seeking Inherent Meaning In Fleeting Creations Of Man Notre Dame Gargoyle Going To Stay As Still As Possible Until Arson Investigator Gone 5 Things To Know About ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ List: The Recipe to Every Meal You’ll Cook in Your First Real Apartment Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis Suspicious New WikiLeaks Document Dump Exposes How Awesome And Trustworthy U.S. Government Is ‘Star Wars IX’ Trailer Released My Boyfriend Left Me for a Girl Who Sings Sensual Covers of Alternative Rock Songs on YouTube Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting Jesus Christ Pushes Past Firefighter Into Burning Notre Dame To Save Beloved Relic Mar-a-Lago Tax Prep Inc. – David Martin, Humor Times Child Promised He Can Go Right Back To Video Game After Giving Dying Grandfather One Last Hug Trump Considering Releasing Detainees In Sanctuary Cities ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple Trooper of the Week [Full Episode] The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 15, 2019 A Car That Won't Play the First Song In Your Phone Man Delivery Kits for the Single Lady Ilhan Omar Disrespectfully Refers To America As ‘A Place’ Crestfallen ‘Game Of Thrones’ Fans Starting To Realize Series Never Going To Show Dragons Fucking Dog A Pervert In Ways Owner Will Never Know List: Thank You for Calling the IRS, Please Listen Closely, As Our Menu Options Have Changed Ideas For Mending Your Relationship With The IRS After Being Caught Cheating On Taxes Everyone's a Republican On Tax Day One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read Oh, God! It’s Not THAT Time Again Is It??? Horoscopes for Jerks: April 2019 Morlocks and Eloi (Tournament of Champions, Pt 2) Stress Treatment: A Sexy Lesbian Doctor's Orders Julian Assange Arrested In London Congratulations on the Birth of Your Child, That Will Be $765,047.04 I Am Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo Christian Bale Loses 40 Years For Upcoming Movie Role New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To You Through Hardcover Copies Of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ Mueller Report To Be Released Next Week, AG Says William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report William Barr Agrees To Release Nonverbal, Abstract Visual Representation Of Mueller Report Media Condemns Julian Assange For Reckless Exposure Of How They Could Be Spending Their Time Experts Warn Prosecuting Assange Creates Slippery Slope To Where We Already Are Nation Admits They Only Care About Freedom Of Speech For Imparting Information About ‘Star Wars’ Shit Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing Arms Out Of Back Of Chrysler LeBaron Kid About To Meet Brooklyn Nets Must Not Be Very Sick Duke Anthropology Professor Devastated To Learn Promising Student Dropping Out Benefits Of Open Office Not Extended To CEO Frustrated Writer Tosses Another Crumpled-Up Laptop In Trash Can Grindr Profile Picture Day My Wife and I Are Child-Free, Todd Judge Sentences Lori Loughlin To 100 Hours Of Community Theater 5 Things To Know About BTS Plant-Based Meat Vs. Lab-Grown Meat Bigheaded People Want the Medical Recognition They Deserve Missing Boy Returns 8 Years Later as Black Woman NRA Criticizes Video Game Makers For Downplaying Portrayal Of Euphoric Rush Felt Watching Light Leave Enemy’s Eyes Astronomer Apologizes For Leaving Cherry Lifesaver On Telescope Lens Burger King Releases Meatless ‘Impossible Whopper’ 5 Biggest Unanswered Questions For ‘Game Of Thrones’ Final Season

Fake News

Sons of Scotland! We’re Meeting for After-Battle Drinks at Aberdeen’s Pub


Sons of Scotland!

It is the highest honor to be leading you into battle today. Standing before me are the two thousand bravest soldiers this country has ever known. The British army may be ten times our size… but we will not be intimidated! I cannot promise you it will be an easy fight. Nor can I promise that you’ll see the end of it. But for those that do, we’re meeting at Aberdeen’s Pub afterwards.

I want to make sure those plans are clear with everyone, because last time we tried to get drinks after a battle, I reserved a whole backroom and only like eight of you showed up. It was humiliating.

But we must not get ahead of ourselves! We first must focus on the monumental challenge in front of us. The battle that will forever define our legacy! Do not let the significance of this moment pass you by, men, for history will remember your name—and if there’s one name for YOU to remember, it’s Aberdeen’s. The one in the town square. Not the one by the river. So, Aymer, don’t even think about trying to get a group to go to the river one. The rumor alone’s gonna cause a huge confusion and ruin the whole thing.

But one demon at a time! Because the twenty thousand infantrymen just over those hills cannot be overlooked. They may have us outnumbered… but those men aren’t fighting for their freedom! That’s what makes you special. You have uncommon courage. And it takes uncommon courage to be at Aberdeen’s right at 6.

I know it’s cool to show up late or when everyone’s a few pints in—and guess what, you’re right, it kind of is—But if we all agree, right now, to just not do that, it’ll be a better night for everyone.

But 6 PM—exactly 6 PM—is not upon us yet. We have one hell of a day ahead of us. And I know it feels like this sun will never set, but when it does… there’s a potato skin platter waiting for you on the other side. So if anyone’s on the fence, just know those platters are half-price til 8 PM. Find me if you want to go splitsies. I can never finish one by myself. I’m serious, lots of food. Great price. Honestly, I don’t know how they’re able to do it.

Again, I don’t mean to lose focus, but I will say that it’s a good sign everyone’s already thinking about tonight. Hard to flake on plans when you don’t forget them! For obvious reasons, we decided not to do RSVPs, but I’m just gonna assume all survivors will be there. Right? I need to give Hilda a headcount after the battle so she knows whether or not to open the patio for us.

I’ll be doing a headcount for your loved ones as well, but Hilda specifically mentioned the patio thing.

And let me know if you REALLY can’t make it. But to clarify, unless you’re severely injured, I need to see you at Aberdeen’s. Okay?

You know what, I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s mandatory.

No, I spoke to MacLeod. His kid has a battle across town, he’s fine.

But everyone else is cool? We’re all gonna be there? Quick show of hands—great. Gaufrid, where’s that hand? Theeeere it is.

Okay, cool. Again, sorry. Just want to make sure we settled that before the bloodshed. I don’t want to distract you men from the fight for your freedom! Be strong, men. And have faith. For God is on our side today. It is God’s Will that we’re here on this battlefield today. And God’s Will that we’re on the patio of Aberdeen’s tonight, crushing some cold ones.

His Will be done.

But knowing this group’s track record, it’ll require a miracle of God for these Aberdeen plans to happen, right?

Wrong! We don’t need a miracle! We have the power to make this happen all on our own. All God asks is for each and every one of us to follow through with these basic plans that we have explicitly discussed, confirmed, and then reconfirmed. But the rest is on you. Because as thoroughly as I can communicate to you every detail of these plans, six o’clock will roll around and you’ll either be at Aberdeen’s or you won’t.

Do we really need a miracle from God for that? Let’s spare him tonight, so he can grant us one on this battlefield right now.

Because what if he’s only got one miracle in him today?

I’m just saying.

Aberdeen’s at 6.

CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish