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Fake News

So You’re Hiding From Your Family in the Bathroom During Thanksgiving



Welcome to the second-floor guest bathroom, we’re so excited for your stay here! Our amenities are top-notch and guaranteed to give you all the “me-time” you need. With 100% customer satisfaction, you can rest easy knowing that no stray aunt or uncle can wander in asking “what you’re up to these days” or “how that boyfriend-you-had-a-couple-years-ago-and-don’t-talk-about-anymore is doing!”

Here at the second-floor guest bathroom, your comfort is our #1 concern. And that means knowing that your #1 concern is someone barging in claiming that you “faked” that stomach bug. Thanks to our patented 46-year-old bathroom door lock, no one is going to be asking invasive questions about your sexuality this year!

Regretting not going to the Bahamas for a solo trip yet? Don’t! Sure, you could be sipping a mai-tai on the beach while a tan, shirtless man named Enrique fans you with a large banana leaf, but wouldn’t that be lonely? Just keep telling yourself that, pal. For the low price of just one full-blown panic attack and three years of intensive therapy, the second-floor guest bathroom has all the five-star comforts to give you that perfect holiday vacation with none of the hassle!

Still not convinced? If you book your stay now we’ll even throw in a scratchy Costco towel set, an allergic reaction to the family cat, and a couple of those seashell-shaped soap bars from your aunt’s coworker, Kathy! Aloha to you too!

Now, let’s take a look around the suite:

To your left is the shower, and it’s full of your Mom’s mostly used-up shampoo bottles. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of labels to go around if you get bored and need some reading material! Thirsty? Why not lap up some of the water from the perpetually-dripping shower faucet like the family cat? God, I bet it would be so nice to be the family cat right now. You just know she’s down there eating table scraps and gloating in belly rubs, not an expectation from an extended relative in the world. Too bad you’re a human and currently working a temp job while pursuing classical Shakespearean acting, you fool! Yum, I hope that unfiltered tap water and internalized judgement from your mother tastes great!

Over there is the toilet. Remember to flush it periodically so everyone really believes that stomach bug lie. You didn’t major in experimental theater at a liberal arts college for nothing! While you’re there, go ahead to the sink and enjoy the wide complementary selection of unmarked prescription bottles. Is that expired Tylenol or your Dad’s thyroid medication? Your guess is as good as ours! Try taking what you think might be an Advil to ease the pain of knowing you’ll never be as successful as your brother, that’ll work out great.

Looking for something a little more exciting? Why not wander over here to the mirror and stare at your reflection for a while. Really take it in, examining each newly formed wrinkle line as you consider your own mortality. You’re only 26, but at this point, it’s probably all downhill. Grasp the sides of the porcelain sink basin while gently wailing “why” as you watch yourself turning into a shadow of the creative, driven, free-spirit you once knew. Remember when you used to have hopes and dreams? That’s cool!

Oh no! Did you just hear a knock at the door? Fear not, because the second floor guest bathroom is equipped with an upstairs window with a 7ft drop for emergency exits, a probably functioning smoke alarm, and –you guessed it– a laundry basket that doubles as a panic room.

So, grab yourself a swig of expired bubblegum mouthwash and settle in, you only get to spend Thanksgiving with your family once a year, after all!

Remember to let us know if you have any questions throughout the duration of your stay at the second-floor guest bathroom, and don’t forget to ask about our Black Friday, Christmas, and Canadian Boxing Day promotional specials!
Happy Holidays!

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