Homepage / Fake News / Smoking: The Cool-Looking Solution to Climate Change
Passenger Glued To Airplane Window Like It Fucking 1956 Impact Of Global Insect Decline Knicks Confident They Have The Cap Space To Ruin 2 Or 3 Promising Careers Trump Installs Room-Sized Golf Simulator In White House Trump Confirms All Violent Options On The Table In Venezuela These Penguins Hump Corpses Join The Gentleman’s Club | Points in Case Karl Lagerfeld Horrified By Uninspired, Garish Tunnel Of Light Coming Toward Him Death Of Sailor In Iconic VJ-Day Photo Reminds Americans Of Halcyon Days When Wars Still Ended Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 19, 2019 List: More Fun Facts About the Harry Potter Universe, From JK Rowling Taco Hell Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029 Trump Memes: The Ideas Just Keep Presenting Themselves! U. S. Constitution’s Medical Record The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne and George Conway Coworkers Agog As Employee Introduces New Shirt Into Rotation U.K. Passes Bill Making ‘Upskirting’ Illegal Archaeology Isn't Sexy Man Always Makes Sure To Put Phone On Silent Before Misplacing It A Viking's Peace Major Strasser of the Third Reich Trashes Rick’s Cafe on Yelp Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager ‘Aquaman 2’ Announced The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 18, 2019 List: New Tracks Dropped By Kremlin-Approved Rappers Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore Saudis Revoke Ladies’ Right to Drive after Woman Cited for Illegal Turn Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight! When It Comes to Waiting, I’m a Natural Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K! It’s About Time – fancy pants , Humor Times

Fake News

Smoking: The Cool-Looking Solution to Climate Change

Fact: The new IPCC report says the world will need to be radically reshaped by 2030 in order to avert catastrophic climate change.

Fact: The report’s impact had all the staying power of a straw house in a hurricane—even the old-fashioned kind of hurricane that isn’t souped up by climate change.

Fact: While governments ignore this threat, concerned citizens wonder what they can do, unaware that there is a simple, elegant solution available to everyone.

Fact: The solution mentioned in the previous fact is so bold and original, it must be centered and get its own line:

Smoke More Cigarettes.

“Smoke?” you say, your voice rising in a weak, unflattering chirp. “But I quit years ago, except if I’m drinking, or when Smitty’s around, because you literally cannot not smoke with Smitty…” Hey! Shut up. Look at me. Now is the time for bold action, not cowardly whining. If you’re not out buying a fresh pack of rods by the end of this article, I might have to kick your ass personally. So let me lay it out for you.

First of all, when you start to hear about some of the stuff headed our way in the next few years, you’re going to need the stress-reducing qualities of nicotine. Guarantee. Oh, you don’t believe me? What if I said that you’re going to be using the phrase, “Back when there used to be Boston…”? What if I told you that under certain heat-wave conditions a person’s skin will literally fuse with a cloth-type car seat (the windows would have to be rolled up and the A/C would be broken)? So light up, clear your head and focus.

Secondly, if you’re not smoking, how are we going to pay to get everything fixed? There’s at least, like, twenty bucks worth of taxes slapped on every pack of lung warmers. And that’s good. We need that money for flood barriers, alternative energy research, CO2 sequestration, and, when that doesn’t work, developing huge flocks of genetically mutated birds with UV-ray absorbing feathers. I’m talking big birds, like condors, but with the intelligence of a crow. If everybody aged 14 and up started smoking right now, all of this could be achieved by next spring.

Third… Hey! I’m still talking to you. Sit down. You know what else we can do with smoking? Re-create the aerosol effect of 1940-1970. That’s when there was so much pollution in the air that global warming was slowed down because the sunlight couldn’t get through and heat things up. If we get everybody smoking, including lab dolphins and wild monkeys, plus we release those flocks of birds I was talking about earlier, we can slow things down enough to get some of our other plans up and working. Like splitting the moon down the middle and hollowing out the halves to create two huge umbrellas.

And number four: why are you so excited about being around in 2035? Sure, if you really think you’ve got what it takes to tough it out in the world that’s coming, I’d love to have you on my team. But if you’re just going to cry “mama” while I’m drawing down on a human/car seat hybrid breaking into my algae farm, I suggest you make an early exit, with your dignity and three-pack-a-day habit intact.

“Aren’t there other solutions?,” I hear you bleating, like you forgot that there’s a reason the good Lord gave you two ears but only one mouth. I wish there were “other solutions.” But heavy drinking’s already been taken as a solution to politics. And cannabis is being used to celebrate the spread of the legalization of cannabis. So if we want to keep any semblance of the world we know—a world built by smokers like FDR, Edward R. Murrow, and the woman from the Virginia Slims ads in the ’70s—coffin nails are all we’ve got.

So—you ready to prove your green credentials? Great! Go get us some Luckies.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.