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Fake News

Scary, Scary! – Will Durst, Humor Times

Will Durst, Scary, Scary!

In order to insure your physical security and mental safety, we have compiled a scary list of reasons why Halloween is so monstrously like Election Day. You’re welcome!

Be careful out there, folks! We’re in the middle of the scariest time of the year, when spooky, hollow-eyed, costumed creatures come begging for treats, and if refused, threaten dastardly tricks. Meaning one of two things: either its Halloween, or the following Tuesday is Election Day.

This year both diabolically sinister events occur within a week of each other. It’s an extraordinary conjunction of the fiendish, spine-chilling and horrifying. Two separate days when ghouls rule, eerie echoing noises are rampant and the whole nation flinches at the slightest change in barometric pressure. Scary. Scary.

The press, with its love of visuals, highlights the battle between the orange and black & red, white and blue as being exceptionally fierce. Right now we’re experiencing that rare rainbow of fright. With soothing autumnal shades blessedly awaiting us on November 7.

Color-coding the events may be the best way to keep from getting confused and dropping absentee ballots in plastic pumpkins or toilet-papering polling places. It also keeps us from getting robo-calls that encourage buying bigger Butterfingers, and Costco isn’t offering endorsements with every purchase in the extra-large, county-picnic, economy size. Although, we do seem to be stumbling near the latter. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The weird thing is there are so many similarities between the late October/early November activities. The two have much more in common than simply sharing the same linear space of a calendar page. You always hear people describe their experiences in politics and Halloween as being “scary but fun.” The smell of desperation and giddy excitement of pre-pubescent kids as the day approaches are a couple more. And Mitch McConnell is an honorary mascot to both festivities.

In order to insure your physical security and mental safety over the next 7 harrowing days, we here at Durstco, purely a public service, have compiled a list of other reasons why Halloween is so monstrously like Election Day.

  • People really enjoy going around pretending to be somebody or something they aren’t. Even those who aren’t aware they’re wearing costumes.
  • Greed is not only encouraged, but richly rewarded.
  • Ronald Reagan and Mickey Mouse are perennial favorites.
  • Zombies and vampires and miscellaneous blood-suckers wandering the streets everywhere you look.
  • Many people will stay in their homes with the lights off to avoid the whole thing.
  • Based on the results of the evening, both children and adults will be highly susceptible to future nightmares.
  • Shocking surprises lurk around every corner.
  • The really hard work goes on in the darkest regions where secrecy reigns.
  • The more malevolent, wicked, diabolical and villainish, the better.
  • There’s always one weird house that no body wants to go near.
  • You run the risk of overdosing on candy or regret.
  • The scariest faces are often found under the masks.
  • Warnings not to get involved by mental health authorities are continually made, yet go unheeded.
  • Boos and booze are regular attendants.
  • MSNBC, FOX News and Turner Classic Movies all delight in running horror marathons.
  • The shared goal is obtaining the mostest, bestest goodies, not caring a whit what happens to your fellow night crawlers.
  • And the #1 reason why Election Day is like Halloween: this year, a major focus of both events will be a plump vegetable with orange skin.
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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” The Humor Times says “Durst is the Sage of Satire, the Learned Lampooner, the King of Political Satire!” Check his website for upcoming stand-up performance dates. Will’s books, including Elect to Laugh! A Hilarious, Common Sense Guide to American Politics are available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.


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