Homepage / Fake News / ‘Rock The Caliphate’ Charity Concert Features U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa Coming Together To Raise Money For Struggling Islamic State
Other Secret & Torrid Fictional Relationships You Might Have Forgotten Son Needs Costume, 30 Individually Wrapped Treats Tomorrow Morning For Some School Celebration Dog Blocks Off Afternoon To Lick Spot On Floor Where Owner Once Dropped Pepperoni What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You ‘Identifying Hate Speech Is Difficult Because Some Posts Actually Make Pretty Interesting Points’ Yelp-Like App Helps Trump Supporters Find MAGA-Friendly Restaurants Facebook Removes 1.5 Million Videos Of New Zealand Mass Shooting Historians Uncover Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill Scotland Yard Frees 163-Year-Old British Man After DNA Evidence Clears Him Of Being Jack The Ripper Disney Rehires Director James Gunn As Part Of Company-Wide Push Towards Embracing Pedophilia A Relationship Advice Column for Anthropomorphic Trains 5 Things To Know About Pete Buttigieg The Trial of a Dead Guy Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 19, 2019 The Green New Meal The Top 5 Online Masters Programs for When You’ve Given Up on Your Dreams Operation Varsity Blues: Rich Is as Rich Does The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Melania Trump and Michelle Obama ‘Marijuana Has No Lasting After Effects’ – HORSE MANURE!!! The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2019 Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash

Fake News

‘Rock The Caliphate’ Charity Concert Features U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa Coming Together To Raise Money For Struggling Islamic State

U2 frontman Bono delivers a heartfelt appeal to come together and help underprivileged ISIS recruits.

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide much-needed assistance to the beleaguered terrorist organization, a charity concert known as Rock The Caliphate—featuring U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa, and other top musical acts—was held last night to raise money for the struggling Islamic State.

According to event organizers, the star-studded benefit, held before a crowd of nearly 100,000 at the Los Angeles Coliseum and live-streamed over the internet to millions more, aimed to bring together the biggest names in pop music and fund relief efforts that will aid ISIS militants in their attempt to reestablish a caliphate and return to the territories they once called home.

“We can no longer turn a blind eye toward the devastation faced by this group of radical Islamists,” said Bono, U2 frontman and one of the concert’s organizers, who appeared on stage in his trademark wraparound shades and with an ISIS flag draped over his shoulders. “In the past few years, nearly all the land of their great country has been stripped away from them, and they have seen tens of thousands of their brethren killed by bombs. They have been left with almost nothing. Tonight, we come together to say, ‘No more!’ Tonight, we come to offer help.”

“All proceeds from this performance will go directly to underprivileged jihadis,” Bono continued, “because no child soldier deserves to go off and fight for a cause without food in his stomach and a Kalashnikov in his hands.”

After his high-energy set opening the four-hour concert, performer Bruno Mars lent his star power to the Islamic State by working the phone banks, where he reportedly solicited donations from TV viewers alongside celebrities such as Jimmy Fallon, Jennifer Lawrence, self-proclaimed caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, and Chris Pratt. The pop sensation told callers their contributions would help ensure ISIS recruits receive the training they need to conduct public floggings, burn people alive, stone infidels to death, and throw adulterers off the roofs of tall buildings.

“For these terrorists, the dream of a global caliphate completely cleansed of Christians, Jews, Yazidis, and Shia Muslims is dying,” said singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran, who told reporters he was persuaded to participate in the benefit show after learning many in the Islamic State don’t even have human shields to protect themselves with. “They have so much potential—they could be out there retaking Raqqa and Mosul—but they’ve been left destitute by airstrikes and Kurdish freedom fighters. We have to get out there and do something to empower these people, like giving them the tools they need to build explosive devices and carry out violent beheadings.”

“If even one person hears me singing and the power of music moves them to reach into their hearts and pockets and give so that a young ISIS teen can strap on his first suicide vest, then I’ve done my part as an artist,” Sheeran added.

For the show’s final encore, Dua Lipa, Lady Gaga, Adam Levine of Maroon 5, and Cardi B joined U2 for a performance of “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” that was accompanied by a video montage showing the ravaged remains of the caliphate as it shrinks from an area the size of Britain to a few tiny Syrian outposts. A new recording of the song has been made available in the iTunes store, with revenues reportedly going toward the purchase of computers that will allow budding ISIS cyber-warriors to fulfill their dreams of hacking into the servers of Western governments and, in time, destroying all of Christendom. As of press time, the track had already been downloaded more than 17 million times.

Sources reported that al-Baghdadi was pleased with the sold-out benefit concert and deemed the event an overwhelming success after a series of charges placed throughout the stadium were simultaneously detonated, killing everyone in attendance.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.