Homepage / Fake News / Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/16/18
Tennessee Little League Team Embarrass Selves, Entire Volunteer State Record Number Died In Opioid Epidemic In 2017 Hundreds Of People Exactly Like Manafort, Cohen Enjoy Another Day Without Any Consequences Whatsoever New Neutrogena Extra-Strength Face Wash Instantly Dissolves Bad Skin PETA Condemns BBC For Trapping Thousands Of Endangered Animals Inside TV Screens When is the Best Time to Visit New York? Rudolph Giuliani: ‘Truth Isn’t Truth’ Doctors Clear Ben Roethlisberger For Unwanted Contact When a Kink Chooses You Obama Endorses Not Doing Goddamn Thing To Fix Illinois In Midterms Tips For Getting Better At Crosswords Is Wayne Enterprises The ‘Silent Partner’ In Musk’s Recent Tesla Gambit? CBI issues best practice guidelines for awkward lift journeys Frustrated Men Demand To Know ‘Exactly Where On Tits It Okay To Touch Nowadays’ Free Books Until Midnight! | HumorFeed Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 21, 2018 LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums The 7 Types of Procrastinator Sexy and Confusing Lessons from the Online Fitness Industry The CIA Is In Crisis Mode After ISIS Made Its Instagram Private Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem Tim Burton Worried He Going Through A Bit Of A 14-Movie Slump Law School Applications Increase Upon Realization That Any Fucking Idiot Can Be Lawyer Trump Accuses Voters Of Meddling In Midterms Ingenious Political Analyst Points Out Irony Of Melania Trump Speaking Out Against Cyber Bullying When Her Husband Donald Trump Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter Emotional Elon Musk Recalls Spending Entire Birthday Working On Concepts For Mistreating Employees Trump Cancels Military Parade, Citing Price Lunch Place Uses Way Too Much Mayo In Fruit Salad Secretary Of Education Reveals She’s Forced To Use Own Salary On Yacht Supplies Icy Cave At Peak Of Andes Mountains Now Sole Remaining Place On Earth Where You Can Escape This The Strange Life of a Costco Food Sample Michael Cohen Relieved To Remember It Illegal To Charge Lawyer With Crime Penny Not So Lucky For Tortured Soul Of Lincoln Trapped Inside India Rolls Out Healthcare For 500 Million People The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 20, 2018 New York Times Presents 36 Hours Inside Your Own Head In Over His Head and Under Senate House Arrest My Only Regret Is That I Have But 96 Lives Per Day To Give For My Country by Wayne LaPierre The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Mean Guys Snake Poses on a Plane Editorial: The So-Called ‘President’ Must Be Held to Account for Attacking the Free Press Hollywood Launching Cinematic Universe About Fruit Spotify May Allow Unlimited Ad Skipping For Free Users If You Do This While Driving a Convertible, Things Will Definitely End Badly Support Women (If You Know One) Ditching Tight Pants Improves Sperm Count Conch Shell Opens Up During a Weekend in the Hamptons West Hollywood Urges Removal of Trump’s Walk of Fame Star Game Host Vanna White Resigns From Wheel of Fortune After 35 Years World’s Religious Leaders Admit They Just Love Getting To Wear Frilly Little Gowns And Having A Blast I Didn’t Spend Four Years at Juilliard Studying Percussion To Be Called “Mr. Tambourine Man” Germany Running Out Of Beer Bottles Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice ‘Listen, No Normal Person Is Going To Sign Up To Be A Priest’ A 49-Year-Old’s Thoughts While Walking the Dog Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased 4 Great Feelings That Will Make You Go Niiiiiice ‘Paw Patrol’ Writers Defend Episode Where German Shepherd Cop Shoots Unarmed Black Lab 17 Times In Back Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog Pros And Cons Of Mobile Payment Apps Should The NFL Eliminate The Off-Season? Man Not Even The Hot Kind Ice In Urinal Just Cherry On Top For Man Who Came To Club To Drink Piss NASA Scientists Make Life-Changing Discovery But You Kind Of Had To Be There SatireWorld’s Douchebag of the Week…..Gov. Andrew Cuomo Fantasy Novel Not Holding Back On Criticisms Of Dwarvish Culture Head On Pike Really Pulling Together Castle’s Look Hotshot Peasant Has Window Pretentious Peasant Insists He Never Watches Beheadings Trumpet Player Wishes Someone Would Sound Horns For Him When He Entered Castle Gates For Once Knights Organization Denies Claims That Overhunting Could Lead To Extinction Of Dragons Church Masses Going Wild Over Catchy New Gregorian Chant Jason Momoa Reveals He Spent Months Becoming Useless Dumbass To Get Into Character For ‘Aquaman’ Trump Escalates Feud with Former Aide Frederick Douglass Star Wars News Net Joins Hundreds Of Publications In Condemning Trump’s Attacks On The Press Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party Someone Robbed That KFC Again Trump Locked Out Of White House After Accidentally Revoking Own Security Clearance Colin Hanks Is The Better Hanks, Fight Me Fox News Apologizes For Mistaking Patti LaBelle For Aretha Franklin The 6 Types of People That Say “I’m Just Gonna Leave This Here” in Movies NBCU Readying Streaming Service That Pays Viewers To Watch It   Should The MLB Ban Infield Shapeshifting? 8 Stages Of Deciding Dinner With Your Significant Other White House Honors Aretha Franklin By Not Releasing Official Statement On Her Death MoviePass Attempts To Increase Profitability By No Longer Mailing Out Free $500 A Month To Subscribers Diversity Is So IN Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart…”I make His Fo Schizzle Sizzle” | You make the news…We report it! How To Keep Your Smartphone From Ruining Your Vacation I’m the Boyband Member Everyone Always Forgets Allow Me To Demon ‘Strate NOAA Lowers Warnings For Atlantic Hurricane Season FBI Fingers Hillary Clinton In Surprise Vagina Probe Whoa, I Saw The Mummy That’s Been Chasing Us Without His Bandages and He’s Actually Really Handsome Biblical Scholars Have Discovered That Christ’s Eyes Were Much Lower Down On His Face Than Previously Believed Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything President Revokes Security Clearance Of Macaulay Culkin More Than 100 U.S. Newspapers Plan Editorials Decrying Trump’s Attacks On Media The Onion’s Guide To ‘The Great British Baking Show’

Fake News

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/16/18


Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Malibu Barbie

Five arrested for holding illegal rave in abandoned Toys ‘R’ Us

Malibu Barbie released on bail.

Zuckerberg tangles with Congress over ‘Facebook’

Yeah, but, I can’t be the only who thinks the first question they should have asked Zuckerberg was ‘What’s on your mind?’

Michael Cohen: Trump’s lawyer raided ‘over payments to porn star Stormy Daniels and former Playboy playmate’

Y’know, if the FBI wanted to find Michael Cohen’s Stormy Daniels and Playboy Playmate stuff, they shoulda just sent in his mom … ‘cause moms can always find where you hid your porn.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan will retire from Congress

So, it’s official:  Paul Ryan is running from office.

Trump calls James Comey a ‘proven leaker’

…which is something Trump usually pays extra for.

The Menendez brothers have been reunited in prison – CNN

Well, for society’s sake, thank God, it wasn’t the Jonas Brothers.

‘Hamilton’ sets records at British ‘Olivier Awards’

Guess the Brits have finally gotten over that Revolutionary War thing…

5.0 Earthquake hits L.A

…but it’s really hard to tell if anyone’s frightened because of all the Botox.

Is Trump’s military strategy based on anti-immigration fantasy novel ‘Camp of the Saints?’

Gotta be fake news; no way Trump read a book.

Sonic puts up sign asking customers to stop smoking weed in drive-thru

… and to smoke by the garbage bins like civilized people.

New York Police Department looking for Conor McGregor following bus attack

FOX News: McGregor that’s a Muslim name, right?

9 month pregnant Khloé Kardashian’s family ‘heartbroken’ over the reports of Tristan Thompson cheating

These people don’t have kids, they have plot twists.

It’s National Library Workers’ Day

‪Spread the word… quietly.

Donations to the NRA tripled after the Parkland shooting

Damn, that’s a lot of Rubles!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)
Paul Lander






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