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Fake News

Reasons I’m Buying My Employees Pizza

I bought you ladies (and Dan) a pizza to say thank you for all your hard work this quarter! As you know nothing makes me happier, and helps me sleep at night, like supplying you with pizza. It’s the very least I can do. Please, dig in!

Wonderful news! Denise is having a baby! Please join us in the conference room to celebrate with some tasty pizza, but shhh it’s a surprise!

False alarm! Denise is not pregnant and apparently, I should have asked her first before organizing a surprise baby shower? Ladies, you are my work wives. It’s your job to warn me about these things. Can one of you get Denise to stop crying? Here, take my card, order a few more pizzas will you?

Gather around the kitchen island for Kristen’s birthday pizza! She doesn’t look a day over 25, right, Dan? It must be all that yoga I watch her do on her lunch break. Kristen, I know you physically recoil when I say it but I need to repeat it, out loud, looking you dead in the eyes: Your body is super tight.

Whew, tough crowd. Is it that time of month already? I thought I marked it on the calendar so I’d be out of the office. Don’t worry, I’ve got some pizzas coming that should make all that anger go away. I really don’t know what else I can do to get you to smile, short of paying you the same as Dan.

Hurray it’s new intern day! Let’s welcome her with a couple of XL cheese pizzas, fresh out of the oven! Did I ever tell you guys that joke I wrote in my “Stand-Up for Business” seminar? It goes: I like my cheese like I like my women: made of milk. Pretty good, right? Dan’s laughing. Can someone please get Denise to stop crying?

What better way to celebrate Lisa’s acceptance into grad school then with a pizza party! Lisa is a numbers whiz, a terrific gardener, and someone who knows the difference between a statement of intent and a hilarious joke I made to Dan about wanting to sleep with the intern when I thought my office door was closed. Right, Lisa?

Gals, I think there’s been a miscommunication. I want this to be an environment of transparency and discretion. So for example, I’m telling you, Lisa, that if you sign a non-disclosure agreement you will get a voucher for a free personal pizza. See? Now we each did something for each other!

Join us in the kitchen for Kristen’s goodbye pizza! Why is Kristen leaving? Legally I’m not allowed to say, but 100% this was her idea. I would never force anyone to leave even if they called me a misogynistic sad clown when they thought their phone was on mute. I absolutely am not threatened by a 29-year-old who reminds me of my crazy first wife.

Wow, what a delight to have the Chicago HR team make an unannounced visit to the office! Make sure to stop by the main conference room for a classic deep dish vs. thin crust taste-off.

Bon voyage to me! Help yourself to some Hawaiian pizza in honor of my upcoming mandatory paid vacation. Thank you to Lisa for organizing, you’ve been an asset to this team for the past 11 years and personal politics aside, you are incredibly good at your job. I know you will do great while I’m gone.

Please grab a slice and congratulate my replacement, Dan! I can’t think of a more deserving recipient of this promotion.

Join upcoming comedy writing, improv, & sketch classes at The Second City – 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.

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