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RE: The Restless Dead Haunting the Office


Hello Nick,

I believe hiring an exorcist will make DocShare function more effectively.

DocShare routes have been crashing for most of the team, due to the spirits of the restless dead haunting the system. Normally, we’d be able to route a short document in a day. Since the latest update, spiritual unrest has turned single rounds of routing into week-long affairs. I believe this may be related to releasing DocShare 2.0 during a full moon.

Options I’ve considered:

1. Hiring a Vatican-approved exorcist. A church specialist could quickly and effectively calm the spirits of the damned, but would represent significant expense.

2. Conducting a seance. Speaking with the restless dead could allow us to reach an agreement with them, improving workflows. However, this may lead to the possession of key personnel.

3. Enclosing the department in salt. Salt circles are extremely effective against both spirits and the possessed, but present a significant slip and fall hazard for employees and visiting clients.

Finding a Vatican-approved exorcist seems to be the best, and safest, option for restoring DocShare functionality. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Best,
Tyler


Hello Nick,

Thanks for the feedback. I reached out to Account for a budget estimate, and to the Vatican for a quote on a Hellsing-class exorcist. It may take Account some time to get back to us: Janet is possessed by Caleb “Redbeard” Jones, a nineteenth-century privateer.

While Mr. Jones lacks interest in tracking department expenses, he has shown some aptitude in locating nearby deposits of gold. If Mr. Jones can be disarmed and convinced to share his expertise with the living, I believe he would make an excellent team asset.

Please advise.

Best,
Tyler


Hello Nick,

Could we reschedule our 3:00? A rift between this world and the next has opened in the conference room, and we can’t hear client calls over the endless torture of the damned. Dave fell in this morning. He’s still responding in Outlook, which raises further questions.

To keep things moving, I’ve scheduled a 1-on-1 regroup with Redbeard. The Vatican accepts payment in gold, making him ideal for exorcism project deliverables.

Best,
Tyler


Hello Nick,

I’m running a bit late today. The R train has “a sick passenger.”

Best,
Tyler


Hello Nick,

I have a few concerns about Father Judas, the Vatican specialist.

A thorough workplace exorcism takes time, but I question his priorities. While nothing has been done about DocShare or the tormented revenants emerging from the conference room rift, he’s spent several billable hours trying to learn Redbeard’s true name.

As we learned during our collaboration with TechSolve, there’s no shortage of vendors willing to maximize billing and minimize effort. Father Judas seems much more concerned with appropriating our gold-detecting assets than fighting the rise of the dead.

Please advise.

Best,
Tyler


Hey Nick,

I’m collecting money for Claire’s get-well-soon gift. Are you thinking of donating? If we reach eighty dollars, we can get her a fruit basket.

Best,
Tyler

P.S.: Father Judas says the conference room rift goes to a place of smoke and brimstone, beyond the grasp of the devil. I’ve scheduled a brainstorming session regarding this issue.


Hello Nick,

Father Judas is leaving the agency to pursue other opportunities. After trapping Redbeard’s soul in a small glass vial, he’s transitioning to venture capital. While I wish him the best, this leaves the exorcism project unfinished.

We’re already over budget, so the loss of our gold-detecting personnel means we’ll have to put finding a new exorcist on hold. Since displacing the restless dead is no longer an option, I suggest establishing new workflows to leverage their presence. I have three proposals:

1. Possessed staffers. Conventional employees are limited by their need for food, sleep, and affection. The possessed, however, have no such limitations.

2. Reach out to new leadership. The conference room rift is home to several daemon princes with strong executive leadership skills. Any of these blighted powers would be an excellent replacement for our late director, who fell into the rift last week.

3. Widen the rift. By mass-forwarding DocShare routes, we could extend the grip of the undead around the planet. Our now-extensive experience with the great beyond would give us a significant advantage in this new landscape.

Please advise. I believe it is possible to implement one or all of these ideas before the end of the month.

Best,
Tyler

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