Homepage / Fake News / r/Relationships: I suspect that my GF [33] steals monuments
List: Why Your Cat Has Economic Anxiety Chuck Grassley Voted Against MLK Day Due To Foreseeing How Everyone Would Dishonor King’s Memory Kamala Harris Assembles Campaign Staff Of Unpaid California Prison Laborers Weird Kid Opts To Sit Perfectly Still, Let Universe Decide His Fate After Teacher Instructs Class To Pair Up Editorial: So-Called ‘President’ – James Israel, Humor Times Trump Covered In Own Shit After Furloughed White House Staff Fail To Bathe President Movie Review: Stan and Ollie ‘Let’s Just Start Everything Over’ Shut Out Federal Workers See What Real Life Is in the Labor Ghetto Giuliani Clarifies He Doesn’t Want Gravestone To Say ‘He Married His Cousin’ Either Kamala Harris Enters 2020 Race Viral Video Sparks National Debate Around Drumming In Public Freaky Scientists Who Experimented on Themselves Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing To Secure Perfect Dream Life By 24 Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 22, 2019 My [24m] Girlfriend [24f] is Leaving Me for a Brooklyn Alternative Comic [40fuckingloser] Congressman Dean Koonce Appears in Black Face on Capitol Floor Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History Nation Celebrates MLK Day Little Shop Of Hey Now Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 21, 2019 Getting Stuck in a Dance Circle 11 Questions You Should Never Ask On A First Date at a Haunted Murder Restaurant Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown 5 Things To Know About Julián Castro Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him Bergman’s of Sweden: The Existential Diner List: The Only 64 Crayola Crayon Colors Allowed in Mother Pence’s Immanuel Christian School Art Class Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Redundancy Seeing Your Teacher in Public [Full Episode] The Trump Steaks Government Shutdown Special I’m Marie Fucking Kondo and You Can Keep All Your Fucking Books, You Ingrates Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing Democrats Counter-Proposal: Build a Wall Around Trump Super Bowl LIII Update: Sneak Preview of NFL Official Sponsors The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez DIY Face Masks That Heal Everything Except the Adolescent Damage From Claire Zabicky Playing Diablo Summons the Devil Bound by My Stepbrother Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings Despite Test Results Doctor No Idea What Wrong With You Yahoo! Turns 25 Should The Oakland A’s Have Sent Brad Pitt To Persuade Kyler Murray? ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8 5 Things To Know About Kirsten Gillibrand List: Signs You’re Under a Spell Cast By a Chill AF Retired Sorcerer With a Ponytail and a Peace Sign Tattoo Defiant Pelosi Begins Swimming To Afghanistan After Trump Denies Use Of Government Plane Trump Postpones Grand Opening Of Trump Tower Moscow Until Fuss Over Bombshell Report Dies Down Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor Trump Dismisses Trump As A Distraction ‘If This Report Is True’ To Be Repeated 5.7 Billion Times Today Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game Inside Mike Trapp's Gross New Animated Series ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer Wow, Nobody Tells Me Anything Painfully Honest L.L. Bean Product Descriptions for Urbanites Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months Tom Brady Feeling Guilty After Gorging Self On Full Order Of Kansas-City-Style Tap Water Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy U.S. Taxpayers To Get Income Tax Refund Due To Government Shutdown | Adobo Chronicles Ready For Her Close-Up: This Actress Is Ready For Her Close-Up Is Your Aunt Peggy Paparazzi or Is She Just a Monster? Genetic Tests Reveal Jayme Closs's Abductor 2% Mexican 4 Times In ‘Legally Blonde’ Where Reese Witherspoon Breaks Character To Explain That Women Aren’t Going To Get A Better Movie Than This For The Next 20 Years Man Nervous About Telling Date He Has Her Kids Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks 5 Things To Know About ‘Glass’ Pelosi Asks Trump To Delay State of the Union During Shutdown John Bolton Insists Iran Likely Harboring Dangerous Terrorist Osama Bin Laden ‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together The Wall Leaves a Series of Voicemails for President Trump Could This Be The Last Season We See Rob Gronkowski Fully Assembled In A Patriots Uniform? Poll Finds 100% Of Americans Blame Shutdown Entirely On Colorado Representative Scott Tipton List: What I Imagine Being an English Butler is Like Karen Pence Returns To Work As Part-Time Nude Art Model How To Sound Smart Presumptuous Congressional Freshman Thinks She Can Just Come In And Represent Constituents Zamboni Jams Up After Running Over Large Patch Of Loose Teeth Netflix Raising Prices The Universe Tells Me | Points in Case List: The 5 Best Garnishes for an Egg Salad Sandwich on the Subway Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What U.K. Parliament Rejects Theresa May’s Brexit Deal The Survival Guide for Open Mics Woman Rushes To Hide Fragile Objects, Cover Up Sharp Corners On Tables Before Boyfriend Comes Over Artists Draw Ugly Babies Lincoln Memorial Empty After Former President’s Statue Furloughed New Hampshire Legislature Passes Bill Naming Fentanyl State Opiate Furloughed Government Employee Using Time Off To Visit Local Food Pantry She Been Hearing About Photo Of Egg Breaks World Record For Most-Liked Instagram Post Cute Winter Date Activities To Do Right Before You Break Up Pros And Cons Of Pet Insurance This Dog Is Way Too Happy About Smelling Cancer List: You Won’t Believe the Names of Charles Dickens’ Top Five Male Porn Stars Mom Wants To Know If You Could Use Grandma’s Antique, 12-Person Dining Room Table In Your Studio Apartment Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019

Fake News

r/Relationships: I suspect that my GF [33] steals monuments



I [34/M] have been dating a woman [33/F] for the past four months. Overall, things have been going pretty well. However, as I’m learning more about her, some pretty serious red flags are beginning to emerge. Many of these red flags have to do with her work, which I have reason to believe isn’t entirely on the right side of the law.

These red flags are as follows:

— We met online, and the first time we saw each other IRL, she was wearing a long, bright red trench coat with brass buttons, a matching red Panama hat with a yellow hatband, and black gloves. It was the same outfit she wore in the pictures she sent me, and I thought she was making an effort to wear something eye-catching so I would be able to pick her out. Well, I was wrong. She wears this outfit all the time. She lounges around the house like this. She goes to the store like this. She wears this outfit in any type of weather and during any activity, up to and including sex. She even has an identical coat she can wear when she has to wash her primary one. There’s clearly something mentally unhealthy about wearing such a garish getup every single day. Autism spectrum? OCD? Thirst for attention? All I know is, I waited too long to ask her about it and now it’d be super awkward to bring up.

— She works in “exporting” — that’s all the detail I get when I ask. She has to travel a lot for work, but she’ll never tell me flat out where she’s going. Instead, she’ll drop a couple of cryptic clues like “I’m changing my money to rupees” or “I’ll have to pack my Yoruba dictionary.” I find it incredibly rude and dismissive. More than that, all this secrecy was what made me start to suspect that her job wasn’t on the level.

— When we first started dating, she was very upfront about the fact that her jet-setting lifestyle was poorly suited for monogamy, so we’ve been dating on a non-exclusive basis. I’d never given polyamory a try before, but I consider myself pretty broad-minded and there’s a first time for everything. The problem arose when I started to meet some of her other BFs. To be blunt, they all look incredibly sketchy. I’m talking eye patches, facial scars, jagged teeth, hooks for hands, prison tattoos, things like that. And I’m not allowed to know any of their real names, either. Every time I ask who such-and-such is, I get a ludicrously fake pun answer like a G-rated version of a Bart Simpson prank call: “Al Lergy”, “Oliver Town”, “Ron A. Way”, “Y.I. Otta”, are some of the more subtle ones. I’m not thrilled that she’s hanging out with obvious criminals, but it really stings that she doesn’t trust me enough to know about her life or respect me enough to come up with some more believable aliases.

— These past couple weeks, I’ve been putting together her tossed-off clues and figuring out where she’s going. It feels like a betrayal of trust, but she’s worrying me a lot and I don’t feel like I have any other choice. Long story short, some of the places on her itinerary had famous buildings, landmarks and national phenomena go missing recently, including the CN Tower, Mount Kilimanjaro, and the Angkor Wat temples.

Which brings me to…

— She’s away again right now, and she told me before she left that there was an important package coming and she needed me to pick it up from her porch. Well, the package came today, and it’s hard to say for sure because of the wrapping, but it looks a hell of a lot like Westminster Abbey. I snapped and wrote her an email trying to get the truth, but she gave me some lame excuse about how she’s rafting down the Amazon right now and she’d get back to me ass soon as she was out of piranha-infested waters.

TL;DR: My GF dresses weirdly, keeps secretive hours and company, and may have just made me an accessory to the theft of an 800-year-old church.


Thinking of upping your writing game? Second City’s online “Writing Satire for the Internet” class starts Sept 23. Use code PIC for 10% off.



Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish