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Fake News

Quiz: Are You Rupert Holmes’s Lady?

1. You are getting ready for work and you hear the meteorologist say there is a 100% chance of rain this morning. Which of the following best describes the correct sequence of what happens next:

A. You decide to walk to work and you “forget” your umbrella. You get caught in the rain and you like it. You arrive to work drenched. Feigning misery, you spend the rest of the day talking about how soaked you are from getting caught in the rain on your walk to work.

B. You call your best friend Denise and ask her to pick you up and drive you to work so you don’t get wet. You and Denise stop at a bar called O’Malley’s on the way to work for a piña colada breakfast. You go to work dry but inebriated. Cindy in Human Resources tells you to go home and that if this happens again you will get a warning placed in your file.

C. You ask Rupert to drive you to work. Rupert, upset that his routine is disrupted, calls you a worn-out recording of a favorite song. You, upset by Rupert’s callousness, call Denise crying. Denise convinces you to call in sick to work and you and Denise spend the day frolicking in the rain and you like it.

D. You decide to walk to work and you “forget” your umbrella. Invigorated by the prospect of getting caught in the rain, you have an extra spring in your step and thusly, you notice that you wore your best shoes today and mustn’t get caught in the rain. You wore your best shoes because you have that presentation for the marketing people from the Omega Corp. You run home just before the skies open and then you drive to work and pay extra to park in the attached parking garage.

2. You are at your nephew’s bar mitzvah and Rupert “reluctantly” agrees to sing “Escape (the Piña Colada Song)” for the guests. Which of the following best describes the correct sequence of what happens next:

A. You sprint to the stage before Rupert can. As guests look at you aghast, you do the jerk off motion with your hand and say, “I’ve got your piña colada right here Rupert!” You run out of the hall where the bar mitzvah is being held. You call Denise to pick you up and you go to a bar called O’Malleys.

B. You stagger to the stage before Rupert can. As guests look at you aghast, you do the jerk off motion with your hand and say, “I’ve got your piña colada right here Rupert!” You fall off the stage. You wake up in bed later that evening next to Rupert who is reading the personal ads in the newspaper.

C. You defiantly walk to the stage before Rupert can. As guests look at you aghast, you do the jerk off motion with your hand and say, “I’ve got your piña colada right here Rupert!” You see the sadness on Rupert’s face and realize you have been taking him for granted. Again. You let Rupert “reluctantly” sing his song to the crowd’s delight and then you and Rupert leave the bar mitzvah to go make love in the dunes of the cape.

D. You squeal with delight that you are at the same bar mitzvah as the guy who sings “Escape (The Piña Colada Song).” You push your newly bar mitzvahed nephew into the buffet table as you sprint to the stage. You sing along and sway in that way that enthusiastic concert-goers do. You go back to your table to finish your cake but you have to leave because your nephew chipped a tooth on the buffet table and everyone is mad at you.

3. You walk into a bar called O’Malleys at noon to find the someone who responded to your personal ad. Which of the following best describes the correct sequence of what happens next:

A. Without even scanning the bar to see if the classified ad man is there, you take a seat at the bar and order a Jameson’s. You are initially repulsed by the gin blossoms on the nose of the man sitting next to you. But you strike up a conversation with him nonetheless and he asks you if you want to go make love in the dunes of the cape. You leave with the old gin blossom-nosed man.

B. You order a Jameson’s while scanning the bar for the classified ad man. You are shocked to see Rupert in the corner of O’Malley’s but he doesn’t see you because of the way the waitress station is situated. Distraught by Rupert’s putative infidelity, you leave and call Denise. You and Denise go get coffee at a coffee place across town called Central Perk and you go home with a paleontologist named Ross Geller.

C. You order a Jameson’s while scanning the bar for the classified ad man. You see Rupert in the corner of O’Malley’s he doesn’t see you because of the way the waitress station is situated. Confused, you leave and call Denise. You and Denise go to a bar on the outskirts of town called the Boar’s Nest where you find two good ole boys named Bo and Luke Duke and, having flipped a coin to determine who gets Bo and who gets Luke, you and Bo make love at midnight in the back of the General Lee.

D. You get there first and order a Jameson’s. Rupert walks in and approaches you and you laugh at the odd coincidence and then Rupert asks why you ordered a Jameson’s and not a piña colada. You tell Rupert that he is too controlling. Rupert causes a scene and leaves and the bartender asks if you are ok and you make a jerk-off motion indicating that you are finally done with Rupert.

Answer Key:

Mostly As: Congratulations! You used to be Rupert Holmes’s lady, but you got really into health food and so Rupert discarded you. Also, you should go see Cindy in Human Resources about wellness options the company provides like standing desks and discounted gym memberships.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! You are definitely Rupert Holmes’s lady!

Mostly Cs: Congratulations! You don’t know it yet, but you are on the verge of becoming Rupert Holmes’s lady!

Mostly Ds: Congratulations! You are not Rupert Holmes’s lady but your friend Denise is!

No Duplicate Answers: Congratulations!! You are the waitress at O’Malleys!

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