Homepage / Fake News / Psych Test for First Order Applicants
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus An Ice Cream Truck | See Plum Run Gov. Cuomo, Please Repeat That America “Was Never That Great” Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms I’m a 9-1-1 Operator who Loves the Movie “Titanic” Conor McGregor Announces Plans to Fight JFK International Airport If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul) ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court The Weird Lore of the Wendigo and Why They're Kinda the Original Zombies Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder Why The Scariest Episode Of 'Goosebumps' Is Even Scarier Today Twitter To Totally Ban ‘Retweets’ | Adobo Chronicles A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign 5 Real Life Cryptids You'll Deal With On A Daily Basis Skip Bayless Rips Shannon Sharpe’s Heart From Body During Debate On Cowboys O-Line Why You Shouldn't Have a Gender Reveal Party Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine These Rival Gang Members Came Together To Help Build A Community Playground To Fight Over Ugh, Political Comedy is the Worst Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That Heaven Can't Wait National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities Canada Starts Legal Marijuana Sales Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid How To Charge Your Phone Faster Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize Why Candy Corn Is the Best Halloween Candy, Hands Down Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV The Midterm Intervention | HumorFeed A Book Review Of Madeleine Albright’s ‘Fascism: A Warning’ Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls C-3PO's Origins & HP Lovecraft | Um Actually AC/DC’s next release to be a concept album based on The Krankies I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body Finding A Great Woman Online: Is It Possible? New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor Is Sen. Warren Featured In The Pocahontas Exhibit At The National Museum Of The American Indian? Viewer Discretion Advised President Implicates Mysterious 400 Pound Man In Journalist’s Disappearance The 4 Disgusting People Who Led Me To Abandon The Priesthood After My Hand Touched Their Tongue While Feeding Them A Communion Wafer Sears Files For Bankruptcy Texas Rangers Asking Taxpayers To Cover 60% Of Bribes Related To New Stadium The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test On Native American Ancestry The Midterm Intervention – Will Durst, Humor Times Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined Melania Trump’s Plane Forced To Make Emergency Landing After Smoke Begins Billowing Out Of First Lady Front-Porch Politics: Everyone Wants Populist Reforms All The Good Sentiments On ‘Get Well Soon’ Card Already Taken Why 'Rings' Has the Dumbest Horror Movie Ending Ever Financial Experts Recommend Young Grifters Start Laying Groundwork For Long Con By 25 Only I Can Insult My Mom House Haunters: HGTV’s New Spooky Halloween Show Homemade DNA Test Proves Trump Boys Are At Least One Jar Blood 5 Party Games For People With Social Anxiety Trump: ‘The Only Way To Find Out What Happened At The Saudi Consulate Is To Send In More Journalists One At A Time’ Dad Apparently Using Spanish Accent To Pronounce Middle Eastern Food Now Arkansas City Posts Bid To Host 2032 Summer Olympic Games Has Your Mother Been Seduced Into Joining a Polygamist Cult? University Suspends All Lightweights From Campus Following Fraternity Hazing Death Saudis Admit Journalist Khashoggi Died During Botched Assassination Attempt Smiley Face Doodled On Check Commemorates Undeniable Chemistry Between Waiter, Ericson Family Tips For Giving A Great Wedding Toast Golden State Raises 2018, 2019, 2020 Championship Banners This Angry Mob Is Never Going To Grow Until We’re More Welcoming To New Members Democratic Candidate Blows Fundraising Lead On Massive 15-Story Lawn Sign ‘The Conners’ Premieres Without Roseanne Barr ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance Smitten, Trump Hires Kanye at Lunch Mike Pompeo Impressed By Realism Of Saudis’ Halloween Decorations The Jerry Duncan Show interviews Justice Brett Kavanaugh and Senator Diane Feinstein Melania’s Heart Sinks After Realizing Husband Uses Pet Name ‘Horseface’ For Every Woman He Fucks The 6 Stages of Repressing Your Anger Poll Finds U.S. Global Image Down, Especially Among Allies 8 People On Social Media Who Should Be Considered Criminals State Election Commission Chases Wild Animals Out Of Voting Booths In Preparation For Upcoming Midterms Clash of the Corn Cuties | Fantasy High Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity Paul Allen To Leave $10,000 To Everyone Who Shares This Post ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 16, 2018 Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less Of A “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” And More Of A “Depression Meal At Walmart” Mars Rover Finds Newspaper Warning Of Dire Effects Of Climate Change The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 15, 2018 Washington Supreme Court Strikes Down State’s Death Penalty Grandma Amazed By How Fuckable Grandson Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last Timeline Of Human Activity In Antarctica Meghan Markle Nervously Looking Over Clinic Pamphlets Weighing Her Options What Elementary School Was Like in Each Decade Elizabeth Warren Disappointed After DNA Test Shows Zero Trace Of Presidential Material

Fake News

Psych Test for First Order Applicants

Congratulations! You’ve literally walked through fire to make it to the final step of the First Order’s hiring process. Physically, you’ve made the cut. But the First Order, above all things, wants our employees to be as evil as possible. So before you move on to First Order orientation, please complete this cute little psychological exam, and please answer honestly. It’s super important!

And don’t worry: if you don’t make the cut, we definitely won’t send our execution droids after you. We definitely won’t do that.

Have fun, be honest, and make sure you use a number 2 pencil!

On a scale of 1-10, how interested are you in destroying planets or star systems you’ve never heard of?

A.  1-3. Not interested, I’d rather go to Jaku than destroy the lives of strangers.
B.  4-5. Neutral.
C.  6-7. Mildly interested.
D.  8-10. Very interested. The First Order will thrive when the weak are eradicated. I don’t care who gets killed in the process.

On a scale of 1-10, how interested are you in destroying planets or star systems you’ve heard of? 

A.  1-3. Not interested. I’ve read about these creatures called Porgs. They’re really cute, and I wouldn’t want to accidentally kill them all in one blow.
B.  4-5. Neutral.
C.  6-7. Mildly interested. I heard from a Wookie that Porgs are delicious. If we destroy the unknown planet they live on, there’ll be free food in the sky, which would leave some more room in the First Order’s weapons budget.
D.  8-10. Very interested. Let’s keep destroying planets until we find those decadent Porgs! I heard the food on Starkiller base suuuuuuuuucks.
E.  Is there a “very very interested” option if the planet is Naboo? I hate Gungans.

It’s Monday morning. You just had your coffee, and it’s finally kicking in! Your boss, General Hux, sensually brushes his delicate but pasty fingers through his luscious red locks while requesting that you press a big ass button at noon, on the dot. You know full well that this button will destroy your home planet which is filled with old friends, loved ones, and the droid that raised you. What do you do?

A.  Press the button, no hesitation.
B.  Beg General Hux to destroy another planet, like, I don’t know, maybe one in a system no one has ever heard of? Like what they did with the Hosnian System in 34ABY!
C.  Ask if someone else can do it, noon is when the coffee poops kick in.
D.  Kindly ask what the First Order’s purpose will be when it has destroyed all of the planets in the galaxy.
E.  I take lunch from noon to one, but I’ll watch from the window. My dad’s a dick.

Would you feel guilty if your actions for the First Order directly resulted in the loss of approximately one planet’s worth of life?

A.  Maybe, I’ve never done it before. I’m just some guy.
B.  Haha, no.
C.  Yes. That sounds so sad! I have Catholic guilt.
D.  I find your lack of faith in my desire to destroy planets and star systems disturbing.

Would you feel guilty if your actions for the First Order didn’t result in the loss of approximately one planet’s worth of life?

A.  Absolutely, that would be so embarrassing,
B.  No? I don’t want to kill anybody.
C.  Guys, I just need a job so I can get out of my aunt’s house.
D.  Can I get a sharpener? My pencil is dull because my passion for destroying planets and star systems is showing in the pressure I’m putting on the bubbles on this Scantron sheet.

Starkiller Base looms over a large, colorful planet. You’ve never heard of it, but it looks a lot nicer than fucking Tatooine. In your possession is a weapon that can destroy a planet. Also in your possession? Rebel Scum, who happens to be from that very planet. What do you do?

A.  Ask Rebel Scum what it’s like down there! I love to travel, which is my main reason for joining the First Order.
B.  Tell Rebel Scum if they want to send a postcard to their loved ones before Starkiller Base destroys their home planet, it’s not a big deal.
C.  Imply that if Rebel Scum tells you where the Rebel Base is, you won’t destroy the planet. When Rebel Scum gives in and spills the location, destroy the planet anyway. WHO CARES? It’s just a planet with, like, millions of species.
D.  Ask Rebel Scum about the droid that raised them. Was it an R2 unit? Was it nice? Does it have a strong personality? Forget to destroy the planet in the midst of this lovely conversation where you learn that Rebels are people, too.

Involuntary Disintegration is best on a large scale, such as planets or star systems.

A.  Strongly Disagree. Destroying planets can change the very fabric of our galaxy, affecting the climates and rotations of all planets and their moons, across all star systems. This is a very bad idea.
B.  Disagree.
C.  Neutral.
D.  Agree. I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, rough, and irritating and it gets everywhere. Beach planets like Scariff need to be destroyed.
E.  Strongly Agree. Anyone who says that the destruction of a planet or star system is bad for the galaxy clearly doesn’t know about Alderaan. It just went away and didn’t bother anybody.

Involuntary Disintegration is best kept to a smaller scale, such as towns or cities

A.  Strongly Disagree. Why not destroy the whole fucking thing?
B.  Disagree. A lot of planets in the galaxy are sand-heavy, and I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Wait . . . did I do my monologue about the sand thing already?
C.  Neutral.
D.  Agree.
E.  Strongly Agree. The absurd idea that destruction of planets and star system has negative effects on the galaxy was invented by the Ewoks to get attention, as if they don’t get it already for being cute.

Has your home planet or star system ever been destroyed by the Death Star, the second Death Star, or Starkiller Base?

A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  What
D.  There were two Death Stars? Did my parents’ taxes that the droid who raised me always took care of go to that? Fuuuuuuuck.

Do you purposefully avoid buttons for fear that pressing one could destroy a planet or star system?

A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  What are buttons

Do you purposefully find buttons in hopes that pressing one could destroy a planet or star system?

A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  What are buttons

People who join the First Order are required to have a certain skill set. But they’re also required to think in a very particular way. In the last six months, have you ever experienced immense distress over the fact that you haven’t wiped out the population of an entire planet or star system?

A.  It’s possible, but I can’t remember.
B.  Definitely.
C.  No.
D.  I haven’t experienced distress over this particular thing, but I am in immense distress when the vicious Dug Sebulba bullies me. Please give me this job so I can get away from him! Thanks so much.

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.