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Fake News

Psych Test for First Order Applicants

Congratulations! You’ve literally walked through fire to make it to the final step of the First Order’s hiring process. Physically, you’ve made the cut. But the First Order, above all things, wants our employees to be as evil as possible. So before you move on to First Order orientation, please complete this cute little psychological exam, and please answer honestly. It’s super important!

And don’t worry: if you don’t make the cut, we definitely won’t send our execution droids after you. We definitely won’t do that.

Have fun, be honest, and make sure you use a number 2 pencil!

On a scale of 1-10, how interested are you in destroying planets or star systems you’ve never heard of?

A.  1-3. Not interested, I’d rather go to Jaku than destroy the lives of strangers.
B.  4-5. Neutral.
C.  6-7. Mildly interested.
D.  8-10. Very interested. The First Order will thrive when the weak are eradicated. I don’t care who gets killed in the process.

On a scale of 1-10, how interested are you in destroying planets or star systems you’ve heard of? 

A.  1-3. Not interested. I’ve read about these creatures called Porgs. They’re really cute, and I wouldn’t want to accidentally kill them all in one blow.
B.  4-5. Neutral.
C.  6-7. Mildly interested. I heard from a Wookie that Porgs are delicious. If we destroy the unknown planet they live on, there’ll be free food in the sky, which would leave some more room in the First Order’s weapons budget.
D.  8-10. Very interested. Let’s keep destroying planets until we find those decadent Porgs! I heard the food on Starkiller base suuuuuuuuucks.
E.  Is there a “very very interested” option if the planet is Naboo? I hate Gungans.

It’s Monday morning. You just had your coffee, and it’s finally kicking in! Your boss, General Hux, sensually brushes his delicate but pasty fingers through his luscious red locks while requesting that you press a big ass button at noon, on the dot. You know full well that this button will destroy your home planet which is filled with old friends, loved ones, and the droid that raised you. What do you do?

A.  Press the button, no hesitation.
B.  Beg General Hux to destroy another planet, like, I don’t know, maybe one in a system no one has ever heard of? Like what they did with the Hosnian System in 34ABY!
C.  Ask if someone else can do it, noon is when the coffee poops kick in.
D.  Kindly ask what the First Order’s purpose will be when it has destroyed all of the planets in the galaxy.
E.  I take lunch from noon to one, but I’ll watch from the window. My dad’s a dick.

Would you feel guilty if your actions for the First Order directly resulted in the loss of approximately one planet’s worth of life?

A.  Maybe, I’ve never done it before. I’m just some guy.
B.  Haha, no.
C.  Yes. That sounds so sad! I have Catholic guilt.
D.  I find your lack of faith in my desire to destroy planets and star systems disturbing.

Would you feel guilty if your actions for the First Order didn’t result in the loss of approximately one planet’s worth of life?

A.  Absolutely, that would be so embarrassing,
B.  No? I don’t want to kill anybody.
C.  Guys, I just need a job so I can get out of my aunt’s house.
D.  Can I get a sharpener? My pencil is dull because my passion for destroying planets and star systems is showing in the pressure I’m putting on the bubbles on this Scantron sheet.

Starkiller Base looms over a large, colorful planet. You’ve never heard of it, but it looks a lot nicer than fucking Tatooine. In your possession is a weapon that can destroy a planet. Also in your possession? Rebel Scum, who happens to be from that very planet. What do you do?

A.  Ask Rebel Scum what it’s like down there! I love to travel, which is my main reason for joining the First Order.
B.  Tell Rebel Scum if they want to send a postcard to their loved ones before Starkiller Base destroys their home planet, it’s not a big deal.
C.  Imply that if Rebel Scum tells you where the Rebel Base is, you won’t destroy the planet. When Rebel Scum gives in and spills the location, destroy the planet anyway. WHO CARES? It’s just a planet with, like, millions of species.
D.  Ask Rebel Scum about the droid that raised them. Was it an R2 unit? Was it nice? Does it have a strong personality? Forget to destroy the planet in the midst of this lovely conversation where you learn that Rebels are people, too.

Involuntary Disintegration is best on a large scale, such as planets or star systems.

A.  Strongly Disagree. Destroying planets can change the very fabric of our galaxy, affecting the climates and rotations of all planets and their moons, across all star systems. This is a very bad idea.
B.  Disagree.
C.  Neutral.
D.  Agree. I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, rough, and irritating and it gets everywhere. Beach planets like Scariff need to be destroyed.
E.  Strongly Agree. Anyone who says that the destruction of a planet or star system is bad for the galaxy clearly doesn’t know about Alderaan. It just went away and didn’t bother anybody.

Involuntary Disintegration is best kept to a smaller scale, such as towns or cities

A.  Strongly Disagree. Why not destroy the whole fucking thing?
B.  Disagree. A lot of planets in the galaxy are sand-heavy, and I don’t like sand. It’s coarse, rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Wait . . . did I do my monologue about the sand thing already?
C.  Neutral.
D.  Agree.
E.  Strongly Agree. The absurd idea that destruction of planets and star system has negative effects on the galaxy was invented by the Ewoks to get attention, as if they don’t get it already for being cute.

Has your home planet or star system ever been destroyed by the Death Star, the second Death Star, or Starkiller Base?

A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  What
D.  There were two Death Stars? Did my parents’ taxes that the droid who raised me always took care of go to that? Fuuuuuuuck.

Do you purposefully avoid buttons for fear that pressing one could destroy a planet or star system?

A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  What are buttons

Do you purposefully find buttons in hopes that pressing one could destroy a planet or star system?

A.  Yes
B.  No
C.  What are buttons

People who join the First Order are required to have a certain skill set. But they’re also required to think in a very particular way. In the last six months, have you ever experienced immense distress over the fact that you haven’t wiped out the population of an entire planet or star system?

A.  It’s possible, but I can’t remember.
B.  Definitely.
C.  No.
D.  I haven’t experienced distress over this particular thing, but I am in immense distress when the vicious Dug Sebulba bullies me. Please give me this job so I can get away from him! Thanks so much.

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