Homepage / Fake News / President Trump Drains the Unelected Swamp, Fills it with Unelected Clerics
Thousands Of Students Forced To Attend Iowa State After University Sets Acceptance Rate To 140% President’s Cathartic Words Help Nation Begin To Heal Following Yet Another Senseless ‘Saturday Night Live’ God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos Trump: ‘Any Shooting Actually Inspired By Me Would Have Left Thousands Dead’ Man Wasting His Life Playing Video Games When There Whole World Of Other Screens Out There Clear Similarities Between Boeing 737 Max 8 Crashes Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series

Fake News

President Trump Drains the Unelected Swamp, Fills it with Unelected Clerics

Trump’s ‘Drain the Swamp’ strategy recently sounds more like a ‘Fill the Swamp with Unelected Clerics’ strategy.

Kent HovindMildly perturbed (as always!) by lingering accusations of bad faith, dishonesty and cynicism, Trump is now shaking up his cabinet, in order to get rid of all the corrupt moneygrubbers, as well as any remaining Beltway establishment career politicos.

This is certain to restore trust in his regime…

Er, government!

Here’s a quick selection of who we have in store. Remember to laugh and share!

Pastor Pat Robertson

We’re off to a good start with America’s best-beloved televangelist.

Would you rather take poor little ghetto kids, take them out of the ghetto and make them very fine citizens?
Or would you like to teach rich people how to hurt their friends?

That’s not patronising or racist, it’s just getting The Word out there!

Pat Robertson is a multi-talented figure, who excels at:

Public Health

Don’t inhale demon spirits; you can do karate OK, as long as you’re nice about it.

Cultural Diversity

Pat Robertson speaks highly of Saudi Arabia and their unique approach to gender equality. This coincides nicely with King Salman’s reforms, of course.

Gender Equality

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander! Pastor Pat reminds us that while many women are guilty of adultery, we shouldn’t forget about the men too: the age old Jimmy Swaggart excuse. The boy can’t help it!

Kent Hovind

Kent Hovind, or Dr Dino, is an intellectually deranged Young Earth Creationist who is so corrupt and discredited, even some other YECs find him a bit much!

But if you’re worried about climate change, don’t worry. It’s all in God’s hands. ‘God helps those who help themselves’ is giving glory to the Created, and not to the Creator. So Kent definitely has some transferable skills, or at least some kind of mildly helpful transferrable mindset!

Huckabee & Akin

Everybody loves dark humour, and edgy comedy acts. Fry & Laurie, Mitchell & Webb, the Two Ronnies.

So howzabout this?

Renowned (if not notorious) double act Mike Huckabee and Akin are best known for ‘legitimate rape.’

And what, pray tell, is legitimate rape?

For those who are still living under a rock, ‘legitimate rape’ is a meme; i.e. a bizarre talking point that originated a few years back. See Media Matters:

During the 2012 elections, Missouri Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin claimed that pregnancies from rape are very rare and “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Numerous Republicans disowned Akin after his bizarre and false remark; Mike Huckabee did not.

So, I guess we can all be glad traditional pre-17th century American classical patriarchy is still alive and well in the new Trump administration!

Reverend Jeremiah Wright

In keeping with the longstanding Republican tradition of honourable bipartisanship, Trump muttered:

Can we have the black guy as well? You know, the one 44 used to hang around with when he was doing his black justice schtick? A bit of affirmative action will keep the Dems off our backs until they finally find something else to bitch and moan about.

The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, not unlike his white counterparts, is known for various rhetorically rich and politically pungent quotes. AZ Quotes attributes the following punchy witticisms:

The government lied about inventing the HIV virus as a means of genocide against people of color. The government lied.

Them Jews aren’t going to let (Obama) talk to me.

There’s white racist DNA running through the synapses of his or her brain tissue. They will kill their own kind, defend the enemies of their kind or anyone who is perceived to be the enemy of the milky white way of life.

You are not now, nor have you ever been, nor will you ever be a brother to white folk and if you do not realize that, you are in serious trouble.

It’s not exactly clear what role poor Jeremy will be given, but I personally think he would make a great sidekick to foamy-mouthed John Bolton.

Rick Santorum

Rick ‘Frothy’ Santorum is technically a career politician; however, he is also a pretty hard-core religionist.

Rick’s strengths include good public reach-around outreach, such as to the gay journalist Dan Savage… Hence the nickname!

See also his groundbreaking logic, epistemology and analytical philosophy:

This will undoubtedly help him keep pace with his highly educated, intelligent and erudite colleagues in the Orange House.

It could be you!

Who do you think the Donald has “left behind?!”

Leave your thoughts below!

(Originally published on GlossyNews. Here’s the Glossy News Facebook Page.)

The following two tabs change content below.

Wallace Runnymede

Some say he’s savant, but he’s hopefully not an idiot… You can read his beautiful poetry, gripping speculative fiction and riotous Swiftian satire and decide for yourself! Books available on Amazon here.
Wallace Runnymede


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish