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Fake News

Please Reconsider Me for the Role of “7-Eleven Cashier #1”

Sorry for barging into your casting office, but, please, just hear me out!

I think you’re making a huge mistake. Dare I say it, a monumental casting blunder. Luckily for you, though, you still have an opportunity to correct it. Right here. Right now. So, please, for the love of god, reconsider me for the role of “7-Eleven Cashier #1” in your film, The First Step in the Night.

Let me be the first to say, I completely understand how tough your job is. I’m sure you saw hundreds, if not thousands, if not millions of actors, for this role. So, picking the right person is understandably difficult. That’s why I wanted to make your job a little easier and let you know, that of everyone, I am the only one who can give the role of 7-Eleven Cashier #1 the justice it deserves!

During my MFA program at NYU Tisch School of the Arts, I was known to go full method.

I know exactly what was going through your head when you painstakingly carved out this multifaceted character. I have read in-between the lines and I thoroughly understand the complex inner self brewing within 7-Eleven Cashier #1.

See, when I was 15 years old, I decided to pursue this crazy dream of becoming a famous Hollywood actor. And, from the moment I landed on the streets of Los Angeles eight years ago, I have searched far and wide for a role that genuinely spoke to me. A role that I was entirely moved by.

And, guess what? After reading hundreds of scripts and thousands of lines, it has finally arrived. 7-Eleven Cashier #1 is the role for me. “That’ll be four dollars and seventy-six cents” is the line I was born to say to the third supporting actor of the film.

Now, you may think I am doing this for a measly IMDB credit. You may think that I think an IMDB credit will help me to get another IMDB credit and another IMDB credit and another IMDB credit and another IMDB credit and suddenly propel me into becoming George Clooney 1.5. If that’s what you were thinking, you are completely wrong.

In fact, after reading this script, this is the only IMDB credit I want. I want people to recognize me as 7-Eleven Cashier #1. Just like the McLovin’ guy. When I walk by, I want people to say, “Hey, look, isn’t that 7-Eleven Cashier #1?!”

I promise that you will not regret casting me in this role. I will show you dedication like none other. During my MFA program at NYU Tisch School of the Arts, I was known to go full method. I have already sent out applications for 7-Eleven Cashier #1 positions to fifteen 7-Eleven’s and a handful of Circle K’s. In no time, I will be speaking, thinking, and breathing like 7-Eleven Cashier #1.

By the time I step foot on set, seven months from now, you will see a complete transformation. I will be the complete embodiment of 7-Eleven Cashier #1.

So, now that you know this, I am begging you to call the man or woman who you cast for this role and tell them you made a colossal error and the real actor to play the 7-Eleven Cashier #1 was actually standing right in front of you this whole time—and by whole time, I mean the 8 seconds I was standing in front of you during the audition.

Side note, if you do cast me, what do you think about adding another line? Maybe “Have a good day!” or “It was great to meet you!”? Perhaps you could also loop 7-Eleven Cashier #1 into the main plot of the story? Give 7-Eleven Cashier #1 a full character arc or something? Hm? Just something to think about. I think it’ll add a considerable amount of depth to The First Step In The Night—an already wonderful film!

Anyways, again, I am sorry to have barged into your office like this, but I had to tell you this from the bottom of my heart: you wrote 7-Eleven Cashier #1 for me.

So, what do you think? Am I the one for this role?

Oh, fifteen other actors already gave you the same spiel for 7-Eleven Cashier #1?

You know what? I completely flubbed up the character’s names. I was born to play the role of 7-Eleven Cashier #2!

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