Laundry and Dry Cleaning (2 Hours): $23,000,000.00
The appliances? High-end. The detergents? Selected by Bezos himself. The experience? Tailored to you. Yes, that’s right: With our newest TaskBezos service, Jeff Bezos will wash, dry, and fold your laundry (one time). Indulge! Take this boring weekly task off your hands and get back to enjoying the simple things in life, like yachting or buying a Warhol through a shell company.
Attempted Mirror Installation (1 Hour): $11,500,000.00
Mirror mirror on the… floor? Not for long with this deluxe 1-hour mirror installation (attempt)! Spend one full, glorious hour watching Jeff Bezos look at your wall, make some pencil marks, and maybe get the mirror up (we’ll see). Feel free to strike up an awkward conversation about Amazon, your own startup idea, anything! Transporting Jeff Bezos to your place of residence requires additional fee (upon request, based on travel time).
Making Avocado Toast (20 Minutes): $3,833,000.00
A millennial staple, you haven’t lived until you’ve sampled Jeff Bezos’s signature avocado toast! Jeff will ship you a slice of his signature recipe, made over the course of 20 extremely artisanal minutes. Sources say: it’s worth going into debt over!
Reading A Magazine Article (5 Minutes): $958,330.00
Prepare to be transported by the power of journalism! For the cost of a pretty darn nice beach house, Jeff Bezos will take five minutes out of his day to read a hand-selected, weirdly complimentary magazine article about Amazon and how the workplace culture there is totally fine. Additional consulting fee to remind Jeff Bezos that a “magazine” is what people used to read before ebooks: $45,700.00.
Breathing (3 Seconds): $12,728
Our most relaxing offering, you can commission Jeff Bezos to breathe in and out—deeply and contentedly—once, on your behalf. Optional exhalation themes include: Soothing Massage, Amazon Studios Emmy Win Visualization, and Tesla Stock Just Dropped.
Blinking (1/3rd of a Second): $1,060.67
The eyes are the windows to the Bezos! A great placement for small brands, sponsor a single blink to get those tissues nice and moist! Recipients of this package will receive a commemorative video of the blink and have their names written in the Big Book of Bezos Blinks by an Amazon employee paid $15/hr. Sadly, this does not cover Jeff Bezos speaking about your brand in any way, but we’re sure he’s thinking it really hard!
Visual Processing (1/20th of a Second): $159.10
For the low, low price of $159.10, Jeff Bezos will register a piece of visual information of your choice, sending it up the ocular pathway to the brain. From that point on, it’s up to you! Note: Eye to cortex only.
Firing One Neuron (1/200th of a Second): $15.91
For slightly more than one month of Amazon Prime, Jeff Bezos will create an action potential at a single synapse in the brain, ideating part of a thought, a half a sensation, or maybe a spontaneous word fragment like “rrggg.” It’s not much, but let’s be honest, this is the one you can actually afford. Oh and we’ll donate some of the proceeds to charity or whatever.
1 (Rates are based on Jeff Bezos’ actual reported 2018 earnings of $275M/day.)