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Fake News

Odd Inclusions in the New Line of Bath Bombs


The Purell Bath Bomb

This bath bomb releases a clear anti-bacterial liquid into the bath which kills 99.99% of germs (The other 0.01% is syphilis, just FYI). While this bath bomb does not provide fantastical visuals like some bath bombs, it does clean the bather very well. It should be noted that any cuts on the bather’s body will hurt like a motherfucker when they come in contact with this bath bomb, but that is how cleaning probably works.

The Guppy Bomb

If used very quickly after purchase, this bath bomb will release 8 live guppies into the water. Like those guppy foot parlors in sketchy strip malls, but for your entire body, sit and watch as tiny fish feast on your dying flesh. If you leave this one on the shelf for a while after purchase, the guppies will be dead by the time you use the bath bomb. Arguably, taking a bath with 8 dead guppies is less weird than taking a bath with 8 live guppies who are trying to eat you.

The Bath Grenade

Perhaps the most literal bath bomb, The Bath Grenade was an experimental design by the CIA to assassinate Fidel Castro during his baths. Now it is available for sale to the public for those looking for a more explosive approach to bath-time relaxation.

The Radio Bomb

This bath bomb contains Bluetooth compatible speakers so you can listen to some relaxing jazz music while the kids are away at school or put Ariana Grande’s new album on repeat like you always do before going out to drink $7 Vodka Crans with your other white friends. It should be noted that due to some flaws, this bath bomb comes with a 75% chance of moderate electrocution.

The Bath Salts Bomb

For those looking for a follow-up activity to their daily bath. Start with a relaxing bath with the Bath Salts Bomb, then once the drugs have absorbed into your skin, go on a cannibalistic-murder rampage.

The Vibrating Bath Bomb

We are not legally allowed to discuss what this bath bomb may or may not be used for (Oddly we are allowed to discuss murder and drugs, but masturbation is firmly off the table). Let’s just say it’s for the busy woman looking to make a relaxing bath even more… relaxing.

The Icy Bath Bomb

This bath bomb is perfect for procrastinators. As is slowly dissolves it releases colorful liquids reminiscent of the Northern Lights. Once it is almost fully dissolved, the ice cubes in the center of the bath bomb are released into the bath, turning the bath water into frigid nightmare. This motivates the bather to get out of the bath and back to work. That’s enough relaxation for today, thank you very much.

Raw Sodium Bath Bomb

Illegal in every state except Arkansas, this bath bomb dissolves in a release of vivid and gorgeous color scheme. This will of course be the last thing you see before you die as the bath bomb fully dissolves and the chunk of raw sodium in the middle falls out, meeting the water. This bath bomb makes a fun gift to a person who has arms, legs, and genitals you would like to blow off.

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