Homepage / Fake News / November Surprises - Will Durst, Humor Times
Which of You Soulless Coworkers Ate My Slice of Cake From the Work Fridge? NCAA Launches Investigation Into Why It Wasn’t Making Millions Off Recent College Admissions Scandal Apple Announces Tim Cook Mini Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle This Smart Watch Tells You When You're Going to Die KC Masterpiece CEO Warns Against Society’s Increasing Reliance On A1 Area Man Much Happier, More Relaxed Since Joining Cult Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not be Cancelled Wireless Headphones May Pose Cancer Risk, Experts Say Lori Loughlin’s Mother Arrested in Prison Admissions Plot Honest Trip to the Doctor 4 Times I Failed My Driving Test Because I Tried to Bring My Examiner to Busch Gardens How to Survive St. Patrick’s Day Without Revealing You’ve Been Cursed to Take the Form of a Leprechaun Chicago St. Patrick’s Day Parade Finally Lifts Ban On Snakes The New Adopt A Writer Program Blade Runner Is Nerd Homework The Necromancer Could Bryce Harper Convince Mike Trout To Follow Him To A Giant Pile Of Money? So, You Thought You Could Just Buy That Thrift Store Jacket Without Consequences? You Fool! Should The NFL Combine Get Rid Of The 40-Mile Dash? Youth Climate Strike Takes Place In Hundreds Of Countries 5 Things To Know About Beto O'Rourke How FEMA Responds To Disasters Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization! The Trump Players and the Roller Coaster of Spin Jazz Reminds Fans Racist, Homophobic Language Has No Place In Good Seats More Women Forgoing Taking Their Husbands’ Names In Favor Of Something Badass Like Diesel Sleeping Over for the First Time Woman’s Solo Hiking Trip Shockingly Doesn’t Have To Do With Inner Journey Or Anything Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears What Is the Best Invention That Has Yet to Be Invented? Overwhelmed New Grandparents Finally Feeling What It Like To Love A Child Japan To Put Toyota On Moon By 2029 YouTube Presents: Comment Section Classics — A New Way to Experience Music Piece Of Shit Whom Everybody Hates Assures Himself It All In His Head Le’Veon Bell Stipulates Jets Contract Must Contain Immediate-Trade Clause Sceintists Eradicate Rubella, Bring Back Spanish Flu World Wide Web 30 Years Old Dog Feels Like He Always Has To Be ‘On’ Around Family Beto O’Rourke Announces He Starting Obama Cover Campaign Thousands of Middle Class Americans Storm Mexican Border Seeking Better Life Antonio Brown Buys Pittsburgh Billboard To Thank Antonio Brown For Putting Up With City Open Carry: Canada vs U.S. California Halts Death Penalty Trump 2020 Budget Includes Plan to Cut Entitlements by Shooting Elderly and Infirm 2020 Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg Announces Bold Plan For 2,500-Mile Intercontinental Riverwalk Rahm Emanuel Breaks Ground On New Jason Van Dyke Police Academy ‘C’mon, C’mon,’ Says Matt Damon Desperately Searching For Own Name On List Of IMDB User Dolphinsoul60’s Top 100 Actors Butcher the National Anthem for $2,000 Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout Anti-Vaxxer Movement By The Numbers Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income Experts Recommend Changing Batteries In Smoke Detector Every 6 Fires Concerning the “Automated Boudoir Companion” I Purchased From Your Catalog 5 Things To Know About Andrew Yang Experts Warn There No End In Sight For Venezuela Blackouts 50 Charged In College Admissions Bribing Scandal It’s Not Socialism; It’s What the People Want ‘Cops’ Turns 30 Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns Guy Fieri as a Jeff Buckley Song Unsettling Study Finds Second Cousins Technically Fair Game Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia Husband Buys Wife Tickets To See Singer She Wants To Fuck List: The Hidden Messages in Various Albums If You Play Them Backwards Early Warning Signs Your Workers Are Trying to Unionize Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019 Man Playing ‘Battlefield V’ Has Now Spent More Of Life Fighting Nazis Than Grandfather Did USC Insists Lori Loughlin’s Daughter Was Admitted Solely Based On Socioeconomic Background Trump Complains About Overly Complicated Controls Needed To Operate Modern-Day Doors China Grounds All 737 Max 8 Planes Following Crash Nation’s Flag Nerds Anxiously Watching D.C. Statehood Push Giants Consider Drafting Quarterback To Mentor Eli Manning New Iowa Poll Finds Majority Of Democrats Would Vote For Candidate Named ‘Bobby Cheeseburger’ Stranded on the North Pole Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital 5 Things To Know About ‘Queer Eye’ Season 3 Butterfly Under Immense Pressure Not To Fuck Up Timeline With Misplaced Wing Flap We Didn’t Start The Choir New York’s Chrysler Building Selling At 80% Discount Democracy Dies in Darkness (Including in the Shadow of our Paywall) The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2019 Recovering Alcoholic Pissed He Hit Rock Bottom Before Craft Beer Boom DNC To Avoid Primary Debates On Fox Dress That Would Have Forever Altered Course Of Woman’s Life Patted, Placed Back On Rack U.S.-Backed Forces In Syria Begin Attack On Final ISIS Encampment Dirk Nowitzki Shatters Backboard Glass With Powerful Soprano Singing Voice Tucker Carlson Spends Entire Show Screaming Over Child Bride He Invited On To Debate Him 5 Things To Know About The Orchids Of Asia Day Spa Controversy Choni Francis on Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell CBS Sitcoms Under Fire For Using Prison Laughter I'm Comfortable, Not Soft My Week as an Assistant to Andy Warhol During the “Oxidation” Series ‘New York Times’ Corrects Story By Admitting They Burned Venezuela Aid Convoy Scholars Say Constitution Is Open To Differing Interpretations Because Nobody Can Read That Crazy Script Humiliated Baboon Unable To Keep Ass Swollen In Front Of Mate List: Life-Threatening Situations to Mark Yourself “Safe” on Facebook A Guide to College Theater Class Warm-Up Games Santa for Congress – Joel Goodman, Humor Times

Fake News

November Surprises – Will Durst, Humor Times

Will Durst, November Surprises

Donald Trump unleashed a torrent of October Surprises, but he may be in for a big November surprise.

Closing in on the critical midterm elections Donald Trump unleashed a torrent of October Surprises in an attempt to motivate his base; throwing everything up against the wall including the kitchen sink. With a filthy green snake hanging out the drain.

He demonstrated he would say or do anything that could give him or the GOP the slightest emotional boost. He would lie. Cheat. Steal. Defame critics. Invent crises. Exaggerate enemies. Make stuff up. Mischaracterize facts. Promise impossible things. Defy the laws of physics. Dabble in magical realism. With an emphasis on the adjective and none on the noun. Call a spade a club. Call a rock a rifle.

The President initially tried bribing constituents by offering up a middle class tax cut that would take effect before the election only to be told Congress wouldn’t be able to enact it, what with them being nowhere near Washington and all, way too busy with the important American business of getting reelected.

He then switched to frightening voters by portraying an immigrant caravan as a marauding army, full of crime and Mideasterners. And he wasn’t talking about residents of Indiana and Ohio. He insinuated the immigrants were also bringing diseases into our country conveniently ignoring the fact that Guatemala has a higher vaccination rate than we do.

He further vows to send 15,000 troops to repel these hundreds of economic and political refugees who walked across 3 countries to apply for asylum. More troops than are currently in Afghanistan. Talk about using a sledgehammer to push in a thumbtack.

Lastly he promised to dismantle the 14th Amendment, which guarantees birthright citizenship to anybody born in America. When you consider his first wife Ivana gave birth to Ivanka, Don Jr. and Eric all before she became a naturalized citizen in 1988, it’s a good bet there won’t be much of an effort to make the repeal retroactive.

The Oval Office occupant went on to claim that we are the only country in the world that provides birthright citizenship, and he’s only off by about 30 countries. Said someone told him he can do that through an executive order, although legal scholars say whoever told him that, is nuttier than the hospitality suite at a brown squirrel convention.

Trump also executed a nifty midair pirouette jumping on the Obama Care bandwagon claiming to be a proponent of protecting pre-existing conditions, joining other gyrating republicans, some of whom voted over 60 times to get rid of them.

Since we’ve slid past October into November, nobody knows what surprises designed to energize his followers lie in store. Perhaps he’ll declare professional wrestling to be an Olympic event. Promise a hard rain of Susan B Anthony dollars. Announce the calories in a Big Mac have been cut in half.

Deputize all gun owners with explicit permission to shoot the hell out of anybody who “looks at em funny.” Make Sadie Hawkins Day a national holiday. Suspend gravity in rural areas of red states. Give Larry the Cable Guy an Academy Award. Nomination.

Then finally on Election Eve, announce that after speaking personally to God, the Almighty told him all his loving subjects should vote Republican. The question of whether he means God’s loving subjects or his own will be debated by cable news networks until Thanksgiving.

The following two tabs change content below.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” The Humor Times says “Durst is the Sage of Satire, the Learned Lampooner, the King of Political Satire!” Check his website for upcoming stand-up performance dates. Will’s books, including Elect to Laugh! A Hilarious, Common Sense Guide to American Politics are available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.


Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

en_USEnglish
en_USEnglish