Homepage / Fake News / Notes from Pantone Considering Which Shade of Taupe to Name 2019 Color of the Year
Female Brains More Youthful Than Male Ones An Open Apology From Fred Durst, Who Did Not Mean to Do it All for The Nookie Yosemite Expands Lodging Accommodations With New Log Cabin High-Rises Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Criticized For Preventing 25,000 New York Evictions Chinese Man Worried You Can’t Have Respectful Debate About How Amazing Government Is Anymore Climatologists Find Pitchers And Catchers Reporting Further South Every Spring Mass Invasion Of Polar Bear Forces Russian Islands To Declare Emergency Trump Base Celebrates President For Standing Up To Constitution Trump Offers Clear, Historical Precedent For Deploying U.S. Military With No Provocation Just Pretend It's a Laser Ann Coulter Attacks Trump For Cowardly Backing Down From Full On Race War Meet Cute with a Ghost Beached Whale Trying To Hold On Until Sea Levels Rise What the Fuck is Wrong With You? Chef Justice Luigi Vespucci Issues Spicy Dissent On Puttanesca V. Arrabiata Tumor-Covered Chester Cheetah Apologizes For Role In Marketing Dangerously Cheesy Cheetos To Children Pros And Cons Of Salary Transparency List: What Your Sign Says About the Bear That’s Going to Eat You NYPD Deploys New Line Of Plain Clothes Cop Cars Warnings about My Small Town from a Local Intellectual Congress Reaches Tentative Deal For Border Security Deal Man Hoping Girlfriend Doesn’t Notice Valentine’s Day Gift Came From Gas Station Man Worried Experiences Of Cancun Trip Far Too Complex To Be Conveyed Through Single Keychain Sighing Banksy Methodically Kills Another Few Kids Who Stumbled Upon Him Doing Graffiti Meals On Wheels Volunteers Deliver Body Chocolate, Edible Underwear To Seniors Shut In On Valentine’s Day ‘Wait, Mr. Bezos, You Forgot Your Tax Subsidy!’ Says Andrew Cuomo Running Behind Limo Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The ’80s When Everyone Was Doing It Annoying YouTube Algorithm Not Letting Man Forget Single Time He Watched 14 Hours Straight Of Hitler Speeches El Chapo Given Life Sentence Leeches, Exes, and Loans [Full Episode] I Was Going to Do Dry January But Then I Was Kidnapped by a Band of Pirates Boss Makes Lipstick Prints On Paychecks For Valentine’s Day Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products On Unsuspecting Customers In The Middle Of The Night This Actually Good News, Contractor Reveals, Because Now You Know The Real Problem List: 10 Male Variants of “Resting Bitch Face” Tips For Enjoying Valentine’s Day If You’re Single Woman Wakes Husband Up On Valentine’s Day With Hot Surprise Blowtorch The Galentine’s Day Massacre | Points in Case ‘Deep State’? Or Is It More Likely a ‘Deep Oligarchy’? The State of the Union Aftermath A Bountiful Harvest Takes Work Authorities Swiftly Announce 1,600 Washington Dairy Cows Found Mutilated, Arranged In Pentagram Killed By Blizzard Spacecraft Travel From All Over Galaxy To Honor End Of Opportunity Rover’s Life Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence Sensei’s Assistant Really Getting His Ass Whipped Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs) Suicide Rates Falling Worldwide ‘National Geographic’ Increases Ideological Diversity By Hiring First Anti-Tree-Frog Writer List: Updated NASCAR Rules Explained Never Thought I’d Say This, But I, John Wick, Would Like More Gun Control Falling Suicide Rates Leave Researchers Baffled Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 12, 2019 Heart On Vaccinations Soar By 500% In Measles Outbreak County Nation Horrified To Discover Cory Booker Already A Senator Plummeting Insect Numbers Could Cause Collapse Of Ecosystems Trump Invites Supporter, BBC Cameraman To Finish Altercation At White House Congress Agrees To $1.3 Billion For Protective Border Fencers Angry, Ranting Twitter User Really Needs To Move Out Of Parents’ Basement Where the Hell are All the Snowmen? 5 Things To Know About Amy Klobuchar Rock, Paper, Stabbing Contest Parasitic Space Worm Controlling Mark Kelly’s Body Announces Arizona Senate Bid Ultrasound Technician Asks Pregnant Woman If She’d Like To Know Baby’s Name Character Witness Told He Doesn’t Have What It Takes To Be Star Witness Why People Are Fascinated By True Crime Stories Things @fuckjerry Stole From Me Get the New Khloe Kardashian Look for Just 250K! It’s About Time – fancy pants , Humor Times The White House is Looking for a ‘Few Good Cartoonists’ Historical Valentines – David Martin, Humor Times Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life Amy Klobuchar Pledges To Fight Everyday Americans Amazon Reconsidering New York HQ After Backlash Ilhan Omar Thankful For Colleagues Educating Her On Painful History AIPAC Lobbyists Have Had To Endure LeBron And Lakers Hoping Horrible Series Of Failed Betrayals Brings Them Closer As Team Owen Robinson on Bill "Spaceman" Lee Family Unsure Why Grandmother’s Caregiver Seems Like He Actually Enjoys Spending Time With Her It’s Me, Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate, Here to Critique These Lefty Ladies Before I Deign to Enter the Race Survey Finds Many Gamers Never Finished ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’ Kidnapper or Scam Call? Pentagon Allocates $600,000 For Actual Gun Used In ‘Scarface’ The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 11, 2019 List: Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those Resolutions! Kelsey Djupstrom on Lizzy Yarnold President Orders National Guard To Begin Work On Giant Cheeseburger A Tale of Two Evenings The Family in “A Quiet Place” was Actually Afraid of Noise Pollution, Not Monsters Straight-Acting Who Cares About Heart? I Invented a Time Machine and, No, I Can’t Kill Hitler Smoking: The Cool-Looking Solution to Climate Change Couple Duetting ‘Suddenly Seymour’ At Karaoke Bar Probably Gonna Fuck Like Animals After This Promise Kept: Donald J Trump – Just The Enema America Needs Myth Vs. Fact: Wine Trump Loots America: Before the Fall Sentimental Old Founder Renames Company J.D. Power And Friends We Predict Who Will Watch The Grammys This Sunday

Fake News

Notes from Pantone Considering Which Shade of Taupe to Name 2019 Color of the Year

Taupe is the official Pantone color of 2019! The only question is, which shade of taupe adequately conveys the spirit of lethargy, hopelessness, and fatigue of our time? Here are some comments from Pantone’s selection committee.

Comatose Greyhound: “This is close but just not sufficiently lethargy-inducing. Though I like the debilitation in conveys.”

I-Despise-Everyone Off-White: “Fuck it.” “All color is draining from the world as we speak anyway.” “These little things we do seem to be taking far more energy than they should.” “Too peachy.”

Granite Quarry: “From a branding perspective, I think this effectively communicates the dreariness, exhaustion, and feebleness that will surely permeate the year ahead. But we might get some pushback from the stone quarry lobby.”

Apathetic Mushroom: “Mushrooms are far too zesty. This doesn’t quite convey the spirit of ‘I’ve been to four separate doctors, all put me on anti-depressants and each just gives me worse side-effects.’ Vibe that we are looking for.”

Nebbish Biscuit: “I definitely get a ‘Sometimes I wake up and, in my mind, I have great plans and ambitions. But then those plans inevitably just turn to…’ vibe with this. Let’s put this one in the solid maybe column.”

Rancid Oatmeal: “This is fine. Everyone likes oatmeal in the morning. Fuck. The fact that I got out of bed this morning is a huge fucking victory for me.”

Drab Ennui: “This is way too vibrant for 2019. Why don’t we just choose turquoise!? Or chartreuse!?” “Depression is typically colorless in my opinion.”

Weeping Heron: “I like the sound of ‘Weeping Heron’ but this shade just exudes a little too much ……ambition.”

Languid Rodent: “Perfectly fine. This strikes the right balance between sandy beige and gray beige that we need. Solid maybe.”

Veil of Dusk: “I like the name of this shade. It definitely says ‘Sometimes I know what I want to do but I lack the energy to do so. My physical and mental fatigue just keep getting in the way’ but from a branding perspective this could be problematic.” “Very sinister. Apt for the times.”

Soiled Linen: “I’m too exhausted to give a fuck about color – any color – this year.”

Undigestible Almond: “2018 has been the longest year of my life. How do we go wrong picking a color for 2019? I like the sound of this. Fuck it. It’s fine.”

Antique Parchment: “This could prompt people to think of the Constitution. Definitely not.”

Sluggish Suede: “Think of the press release: ‘Pantone chooses as the Color of 2019!’ I like it. Definitely a solid maybe.”

Polluted Shore: “No.” “Putrid is a better adjective for this. Do shores become putrid?” “I stand by my position that black should be the color of the year.”

Subdued Driftwood: “I like the listlessness this conveys. But is it too similar to Noxious Gray?”

Suicide Taupe: “Definitely not.” “As apt as this might be, I can’t help but feel as though this might send the wrong message.”

Deserted Beach: “Pick anything. I’m going home sick.” “Does this ever get better?”

Rusty Border Wall Steel: “Fuck everyone.” “I’m numb and so fucking tired.”

Toasted Marshmallow: “No. Too dynamic. This might prompt people to think optimistically.”

Lexapro Cream: “I have lost all motivation. Will it ever come back?” “I like this shade of taupe.” “I don’t give a fuck anymore.”

Contaminated Bisque: “I really don’t give a fuck. I thought taupe was taupe. Even at Pantone.” “This color has potential!”

Tainted Clam: “Anyone ever just feel exceedingly inadequate at everything they do? I feel like every little thing I go to do, I just absolutely fucking suck at. Even things I’ve done for ages, I still just am just terrible. No redeeming skills whatsoever.”

Casual Indifference: “Anyone else physically and mentally drained every fucking day?” “This color belies a luxury that we no longer have.”

Twenty Four Hour News Cycle Khaki: “I like this. Not really. But fuck it.”

Bereft Muskrat: “Too hopeful.” “Muskrats evoke something too adorable to be considered appropriate for 2019, even if they are bereft.”

Dropped Ice Cream Cone: “I like the image of a dropped ice cream cone for 2019.” “This feels way too moody. There is only one mood.”

Fond Memory: “Perfect.” “What do the people in marketing say?” “I keep thinking things are going to get better but it doesn’t.”

Obsolescence: “Even better. Insofar as capturing fatigue is concerned.”

Listless Echo: “When can things be back to normal?” “Fuck it. Just choose a taupe so we can go home.”

Cirrhotic Liver: “This hits a little too close to home.” “Also, I am no longer Christian even though I do believe there is something more transcendent than us that we just are too small to know what it is. Just FYI.”

Fuck It All to Hell Taupe: “Perfect.” “I like it. Well ‘like’ is a strong word. I don’t really ‘like’ it but it’s perfect for the gestalt of the era.”

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!

Source link

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.