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Fake News

Notes from Pantone Considering Which Shade of Taupe to Name 2019 Color of the Year

Taupe is the official Pantone color of 2019! The only question is, which shade of taupe adequately conveys the spirit of lethargy, hopelessness, and fatigue of our time? Here are some comments from Pantone’s selection committee.

Comatose Greyhound: “This is close but just not sufficiently lethargy-inducing. Though I like the debilitation in conveys.”

I-Despise-Everyone Off-White: “Fuck it.” “All color is draining from the world as we speak anyway.” “These little things we do seem to be taking far more energy than they should.” “Too peachy.”

Granite Quarry: “From a branding perspective, I think this effectively communicates the dreariness, exhaustion, and feebleness that will surely permeate the year ahead. But we might get some pushback from the stone quarry lobby.”

Apathetic Mushroom: “Mushrooms are far too zesty. This doesn’t quite convey the spirit of ‘I’ve been to four separate doctors, all put me on anti-depressants and each just gives me worse side-effects.’ Vibe that we are looking for.”

Nebbish Biscuit: “I definitely get a ‘Sometimes I wake up and, in my mind, I have great plans and ambitions. But then those plans inevitably just turn to…’ vibe with this. Let’s put this one in the solid maybe column.”

Rancid Oatmeal: “This is fine. Everyone likes oatmeal in the morning. Fuck. The fact that I got out of bed this morning is a huge fucking victory for me.”

Drab Ennui: “This is way too vibrant for 2019. Why don’t we just choose turquoise!? Or chartreuse!?” “Depression is typically colorless in my opinion.”

Weeping Heron: “I like the sound of ‘Weeping Heron’ but this shade just exudes a little too much ……ambition.”

Languid Rodent: “Perfectly fine. This strikes the right balance between sandy beige and gray beige that we need. Solid maybe.”

Veil of Dusk: “I like the name of this shade. It definitely says ‘Sometimes I know what I want to do but I lack the energy to do so. My physical and mental fatigue just keep getting in the way’ but from a branding perspective this could be problematic.” “Very sinister. Apt for the times.”

Soiled Linen: “I’m too exhausted to give a fuck about color – any color – this year.”

Undigestible Almond: “2018 has been the longest year of my life. How do we go wrong picking a color for 2019? I like the sound of this. Fuck it. It’s fine.”

Antique Parchment: “This could prompt people to think of the Constitution. Definitely not.”

Sluggish Suede: “Think of the press release: ‘Pantone chooses as the Color of 2019!’ I like it. Definitely a solid maybe.”

Polluted Shore: “No.” “Putrid is a better adjective for this. Do shores become putrid?” “I stand by my position that black should be the color of the year.”

Subdued Driftwood: “I like the listlessness this conveys. But is it too similar to Noxious Gray?”

Suicide Taupe: “Definitely not.” “As apt as this might be, I can’t help but feel as though this might send the wrong message.”

Deserted Beach: “Pick anything. I’m going home sick.” “Does this ever get better?”

Rusty Border Wall Steel: “Fuck everyone.” “I’m numb and so fucking tired.”

Toasted Marshmallow: “No. Too dynamic. This might prompt people to think optimistically.”

Lexapro Cream: “I have lost all motivation. Will it ever come back?” “I like this shade of taupe.” “I don’t give a fuck anymore.”

Contaminated Bisque: “I really don’t give a fuck. I thought taupe was taupe. Even at Pantone.” “This color has potential!”

Tainted Clam: “Anyone ever just feel exceedingly inadequate at everything they do? I feel like every little thing I go to do, I just absolutely fucking suck at. Even things I’ve done for ages, I still just am just terrible. No redeeming skills whatsoever.”

Casual Indifference: “Anyone else physically and mentally drained every fucking day?” “This color belies a luxury that we no longer have.”

Twenty Four Hour News Cycle Khaki: “I like this. Not really. But fuck it.”

Bereft Muskrat: “Too hopeful.” “Muskrats evoke something too adorable to be considered appropriate for 2019, even if they are bereft.”

Dropped Ice Cream Cone: “I like the image of a dropped ice cream cone for 2019.” “This feels way too moody. There is only one mood.”

Fond Memory: “Perfect.” “What do the people in marketing say?” “I keep thinking things are going to get better but it doesn’t.”

Obsolescence: “Even better. Insofar as capturing fatigue is concerned.”

Listless Echo: “When can things be back to normal?” “Fuck it. Just choose a taupe so we can go home.”

Cirrhotic Liver: “This hits a little too close to home.” “Also, I am no longer Christian even though I do believe there is something more transcendent than us that we just are too small to know what it is. Just FYI.”

Fuck It All to Hell Taupe: “Perfect.” “I like it. Well ‘like’ is a strong word. I don’t really ‘like’ it but it’s perfect for the gestalt of the era.”

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