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Fake News

Night at the Museum: Constitutional Crisis

Larry Daley (Ben Stiller) gets a job at the National Archives where he discovers that a newly acquired artifact, a quill pen used to draft the Constitution, has caused the Constitutions’ amendments to come to life. To everyone’s distress, the First Amendment has been abducted, and Larry must marshall the amendments to find their missing colleague. The very fate of the republic hangs in the balance!

We are seeking actors for the following roles.

First Amendment (Freedom of speech, press, etc.)
Female, mid-40s—mid-50s.

The First Amendment is a serial commenter on all social media platforms. She can’t see a picture of a questionable outfit on Instagram or a political post on Facebook without adding her two cents. In some circles, she could be considered an “Internet troll,” though she resents such implications. She is currently engaged in Twitter feuds with the following celebrities: Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chrissy Teigen, Steve Carell, and the entire cast of Stranger Things.

Second Amendment (Right to bear arms)
Male, mid-40s—mid-50s, First Amendment’s spouse.

The Second Amendment is a firearms collector and connoisseur. Some may say he has a “problem,” or that he’s a “hoarder,” and they would be right. The rotunda in the National Archives is riddled with spent bullet casings, boxes of ammunition, and stacks of AR-15s. When confronted by his wife, he’s stubbornly refused to even try the Konmari method on his collection; he will not only “keep and bear Arms,” he will “keep and bear all the Arms.”

Fourth Amendment (Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures)
Dog, German Shepherd or Belgian Malinois, 2-5 years old.

The Fourth Amendment is nothing but dutiful and dedicated in his pursuit of contraband. On his watch, no clue will go unturned, no crotch unsniffed. In his off-hours, he moonlights as an emotional support animal for staffers on the Hill.

Fifth Amendment (Prohibits self-incrimination)
Male, mid-60s.

Often called a financial wizard for his ability to turn paltry sums into fortunes, the Fifth Amendment has been accused of criminal chicanery, but never convicted. During his last trial on securities fraud, he became the subject of a viral meme by announcing, “I plead myself” 500 times within a single hour.

Eighth Amendment (Prohibits cruel and unusual punishments)
Female, mid-20s, leather-clad.

Resident wild child of the National Archives, the Eighth Amendment is an expert practitioner of the BDSM arts. Her clients’ requests may at times be “unusual” but she tries hard not to be intentionally cruel. Safeword: Habeas Corpus.

Fourteenth Amendment (Equal Protection/Due Process)
Millennial. They/them pronouns.

The Fourteenth Amendment volunteers at Planned Parenthood and is an advocate for Internet privacy. Sporadically posts stories to Instagram about the evils of Facebook. In their words, “Facebook is canceled.”

Fifteenth Amendment (Voting rights for black men)
Male, African-American, mid-30s.

When he is not running voter registration drives or organizing “Black Lives Matter” marches, the Fifteenth Amendment runs a Facebook fan page for Colin Kaepernick. He is considering growing his hair out into a Kaepernick-style afro, but is unsure whether he can pull it off. His favorite musical artists are Common, Chance the Rapper, Childish Gambino, and Taylor Swift.

Nineteenth Amendment (Voting rights for women)
Female, African-American, mid-30s, has a tattoo of a fish on a bicycle.

Former BFF of the Fifteenth Amendment up until the 2008 Democratic primary. The Nineteenth Amendment is a fierce intersectional feminist and can recite Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s 2012 “We Should All Be Feminists” TED talk by heart. She is currently carrying on a secret affair with the draft of the Equal Rights Amendment, but in her heart she knows it’s going nowhere.

Twenty-first Amendment (Abolition of Prohibition)
Male, Caucasian, mid-40s.

This former frat-bro is a highly functioning alcoholic. Currently a member of the federal judiciary. He may or may not have been behind the wheel the night his sister, the Eighteenth Amendment, was killed in a horrific car accident. He prefers not to discuss it.

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